The New Wacky Races
by Freedom Fighter
Summary: The pilot from Winter 2012 is now a full-fledged series! The famed 'Wacky Races' have been reborn for the 21st Century, with an entirely new cast of racers! Anything goes as 12 vehicles race to be the first to the finish! Features a mix of Cartoon Network stars and some original characters, with Ice King & Gunter taking the place of Dick Dastardly & Muttley! Episode 6 is up!
1. Which Way to Vancouver?, Part 1

**The New Wacky Races  
Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

So, earlier this year, I wrote pilot episodes for three different stories and posted them for you all to see. Whichever of them got the most views in the limited amount of time they were up was the one that was guaranteed to become a full series.

Here's your winner, "The New Wacky Races."

If you missed my spiel from the pilot, this is basically my take on a re-imagining of the famed road rally animated series that ran back in the '60s. There are a few things you'll find different from the original; the most notable being that none of the racers from the cartoon (or any direct descendants, as shown in the attempted, official update of the series in 2006) make an appearance. Also, in the original series, there were 11 racers; this series will have 12. But unlike back then, in this story you won't be seeing the same racers every single episode, there are some part-timers on the circuit.

Everything else is pretty much the same. There is no points system, prizes go to the top three finishers, and all racers must cross the finish line in their own car. Otherwise, anything goes (which is why these are the 'Wacky' Races, after all).

That being said, it's time for the first Wacky Race to begin!

**Disclaimer:** All original characters belong to me; all others are the property of their respective owners.

* * *

Fade in to the high elevations of the Cascade Mountains, where 12 vehicles had just begun this week's race.

_[After staying the night at the Summit of Snoqualmie Resort, the Wacky Racers have hit on the road on today's 200-mile course! The cars have just reached Interstate 90 and are beginning their quest west.]_

Up ahead along Snoqualmie Pass, though, it looked as if Ice King had gotten a hold of a few powerful sticks of dynamite. He was in the process of setting it up on the highway, near the shoulder and the rock wall that had been formed by the manmade carving of the pass. His sidekick, Gunter, was sitting in their car, the Double Zero, and the detonator was with him. The penguin had a pair of binoculars, which he was using to look past his partner and down the road, keeping lookout for the other racers.

_[Really, Ice King? I haven't even finished my intro and you're already up to no good?]_

"Of course! The early cheater buries the worm, I always say!"

He held up the bundled-up dynamite on the guard rail with one hand and then used his other to freeze it to the metal. Once he was sure it was secure, Ice King ran back to the car. He jumped in and grabbed the plunger, ready to set off the explosives at a moment's notice.

"Tell me when, Gunter!"

Gunter continued to peer through the binoculars. Suddenly, the racers were coming into view, being led by Numbers 9, 6, and 12.

"Wenk!" exclaimed Gunter, waving his flipper up and down rapidly.

That was the signal Ice King had been waiting for! He pushed down on the plunger and ducked for cover, as did Gunter. They disappeared into the seat and were out of sight as the other racers first passed the dynamite, then the Double Zero. After about a minute, Ice King had heard eleven vehicles go by, but no explosion. He finally popped his head back up and looked down the road. The dynamite was still frozen to the guard rail, completely intact.

"**WHAT?**"

Ice King jumped out of his car and ran to the dynamite. Once he got there, he checked the wires.

"Hmmm. Don't look frayed or severed. What gives?"

Ice King turned his head back towards the car and saw Gunter had found the end of a wire that was not connected to anything.

"Wenk?"

Ice King knew what it was supposed to be connected to, and that point was proven as Gunter lowered the wire's end towards the positive terminal of the pushed-in plunger.

"**NO, GUNTER, NO!**"

Gunter pressed the wire against the terminal. He felt his flipper get shocked, forcing him to lose his grip on the wire, and just a split second later, the dynamite exploded.

**BOOM!**

Gunter's head turned skyward as he watched Ice King fly up into the air and miraculously land head-first… right behind the car.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk," snickered Gunter.

**The New Wacky Races  
Episode 1: Which Way to Vancouver? (08.20.12)**

A switch was made over to the race leaders, trying to stay ahead of the pack as some early jockeying for position takes place.

_[While we hope that Ice King's crown took the brunt of that landing and not his skull, let's see how the other racers are doing. Davey Edison Jr., in the Formula Firebird is out front.]_

A clean-shaven man in a driver's firesuit pilots the Number 9 car, which is a Lamborghini modified with a F1-style spoiler on the back.

"Green, white, checker, baby! I'm taking it all!"

_[Number 6, the Redcoat Special, is in second.]_

A boat made up of ninety-five percent steel and ground down to the dimensions of a street-legal car tore along the highway, thanks to its eight wheels on the underside. The occupants on board consisted of four men all dressed in British military uniforms resembling those used during the American Revolution. They all looked the same with the exception of their leader, who was wearing a crown.

"The British are coming," the leader declared, "to kick thine shoddy horseless carriages to the curb! Men, let no one pass!"

"Yes, King George!" stated the other three simultaneously.

_[From one group of racers from across the pond to another, the Watterson Family, in the Number 12, is holding down third.]_

The Wattersons' yellow station wagon was tailing the Number 6 very closely. So much so that Nicole, the matriarch of the family and the one behind the wheel, had to stick her head out the window to see what was ahead.

"Pass 'em, Mom!" shouted Gumball, her son. "Pass 'em!"

Nicole obliged, moving over to the left lane and pressing on the accelerator. The Georges did not take too kindly to that maneuver, though, and began countermeasures – involving loading a cannon position at the stern.

"Cannon R loaded!" shouted the men.

King George gave the command. "Georges… **FIRE!**"

The cannon went off, but thanks to some slick driving, Nicole managed to steer the car out of the cannonball's way just in the nick of time…

_[Next is Kevin Levin in the Number 11.]_

…and so did Kevin, though he was not happy about the near miss. And he stuck his head out of his window to prove it, shaking his fist.

"You better not wreck my car, or you'll be in a whole lot of hurt!"

The third racer in line, unfortunately, was not as adept at high-speed dodging. Maybe because the vehicle was shaped like a flying squirrel, with the flying being done courtesy of the propeller sticking out of the top of its head.

Or was, as the cannonball hit the propeller and knocked it off.

_[Uh oh! The Trojan Flying Squirrel just lost the 'Flying' part of its title.]_

They were forced to stop to pick up their fallen propeller. A doe – a female deer, for the uninformed, got out of the wooden squirrel and went to retrieve it. She used her mouth to grab a hold of it and drag it back to the car.

"That-a-girl, Fawna!" exclaimed Andy Olaf, her human partner and their driver.

Once both Fawna and the propeller were safely inside, they got the Number 4 vehicle back in the race.

_[Behind them, there's a dogfight as Mordecai and Rigby in the Number 2, Princess Bubblegum in the Number 5, The American Manly Man in the Number 14, and The Zodiac Triplets in the Number 13, tussle for spots six through nine.]_

The triplets, March, April, and May, began chanting for assistance from the inside of their black hearst.

"Power of the rabbit, embed us with fleet feet so we may go faster!"

A magical aura enveloped the car. It got a temporary boost of speed that quickly raced it by the American Manly Man's flag-patterned muscle car, Princess Bubblegum's horseless carriage, and Mordecai and Rigby's souped-up golf cart. Once safely in sixth, the spell wore off.

_[Bringing up the rear is the MAD Mobile, which is Number 3, Number 94, the SCarGo, which is sponsored and driven by the staff of Mung Daal Catering, and, lastly but very certainly least, is that wielder of all that is cold, Ice King, in the Double Zero.]_

Ice King seemed to be fine after his first failed sabotage attempt, which could only mean more were on the way.

"Barnacles! We'll never win the race from back here! Need something that'll confuse the other racers.

_[Speaking of confused, let's talk about the location of today's finish line! The racers have been told that the finish is just outside of Vancouver! There's just one problem… the racers don't know if we're referring to Vancouver, Washington **OR** Vancouver, British Columbia.]_

"All the racers don't know except moi!" proclaimed Ice King.

He opened the glove compartment and pulled out a plain manila envelope. Written on it, in marker, is 'Top Secret: Location of Finish Line.'

_[How did you get that, Ice King? That's for race official's eyes only!]_

"You think setting up that first trap was the only benefit of waking up early this morning, you schlup?"

Ice King then proceeded to toss the envelope out of the car.

_[But you didn't even open it!]_

"Didn't I?"

Gunter grabbed a Canadian flag that only now was shown that he was sitting on, and he started waving back and forth. Ice King then gave the narrator a menacing look.

"And if you dare say one peep about this to the other racers, I'll fill your undergarments so full of ice cubes that you'll wish you had nothing down there!"

With that, Ice King got on the gas and started passing cars.

* * *

_[Although I can't tell the other racers which Vancouver they need to drive to, I **CAN** tell them that there are three locations in and around the city of Seattle that they can drive to in order to pick up a clue.]_

"Did you hear that?" Mordecai said, looking over at Rigby.

"I didn't hear anything," his friend said in reply.

"Dude, you gotta pay attention! We gotta find one of those clues so we can make sure we go the right way!"

"Pfft. We don't need those stinking clues."

"We do if we wanna win!"

Rigby groaned. "But that's work!"

Right behind them, the occupants of the Number 94 machine had also heard the narrator and were deciding what to do.

"As the head chef of this racing team," declared Mung Daal, "I know that a good chef must always fall all instructions! That is why we will go to all three clue locations to ensure that we absolutely, positively, head for the right direction."

Shnitzel, who was navigating, looked at Mung Daal as if he was crazy.

"Radda radda radda radda?"

And Mung's wife, Truffles, agreed.

"**WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?"**

Mung looked over his shoulder at Chowder, who was in the back, sitting behind Shnitzel.

"Chowder, what do you think?"

The ten-year old's stomach rumbled in agony.

"Do we have anything to eat?"

"Yeah, there's a bag of Burple Nurples next to you."

Chowder looked to his left, and sure enough, there they were.

"But don't eat them all right away. I only brought enough money for gas, so those snacks have to last us the whole you didn't hear me, did you?"

"Nope!" replied Chowder, licking his lips after downing the contents of the bag all in one gulp.

"Radda radda radda?" Shnitzel asked Mung.

"No, we're not stopping for Machos, Shnitzel! What are you, crazy?"

* * *

_[The racers are now approaching the 405 junction, where they will start splitting off to find as many clues as necessary to figure out which Vancouver the finish line is at.]_

A radar showed the twelve vehicles splitting into three even groups of four. One group gets on South I-405, another gets on North I-405, and the third keeps straight ahead on West I-90, towards Seattle itself.

Action began with the group heading south, as they had to go the least distance from the 90/405 interchange to find the location of the clue. Cars 5 and 12 get off at the very first exit, and they stop alongside each other at the stoplight at the end of the ramp. Nicole Watterson waved at Princess Bubblegum as a signal to roll down her window so they could talk.

"Pardon us, Princess, but given as we're not from this area, perhaps you could help us find this high school?"

"I'm not from around here either, but a partnership sounds most splendiferous!"

"I don't know what that word is!" exclaimed Gumball. "She can't be trusted!"

Anais, Gumball's brother, shook her head in dismay.

"Splendiferous means magnificent, Gumball."

"And magnificent?"

"That means wonderful."

"Gah! Such hard words! What does wonderful mean?"

"It means she said yes! Sheesh!"

"Wait, wait," interrupted Richard, their father. "What does magnificent mean again?"

Nicole ignored the pointless banter and accepted Bubblegum's offer.

"Okay. Lead the way?"

The light turned green, and the leader of the Candy Kingdom obliged, taking point on their search for the clue, which was in the lot of a nearby high school. Meanwhile, the Formula Firebird and Old Glory had decided to keep on South 405, which turned out to be a mistake when, just half a mile later, traffic quickly slowed to a snail's pace.

"Get out of the way!" shouted Davey, as he started blowing his car horn. "I'm in a race!"

"You and everyone else!" a random driver from another car shouted back.

Back with the princess and the Wattersons, it turned out that they did not need each other all that long. The high school they were searching for was only a couple blocks away from the freeway. A volunteer was waiting in the parking lot to hand over a clue.

"No apples," Nicole said, reading the clue aloud.

"What kind of apples are we talking about?" Bubblegum wondered aloud.

"Ooh, I know!" exclaimed Gumball. "Darwin!"

Darwin, the family's talking fish with legs, turned a paper bag upside down. Five apples fell out and hit the ground, three of them breaking apart upon impact.

"Down with healthy snacks!" the boys proclaimed.

And their father joined in soon after. "Down with healthy snacks!"

"Richard!" snapped Nicole.

He hung his head in shame, as did the boys. Anais emerged from the family station wagon with a map in hand. She unfolded it in front of her mother and the princess, showing that it detailed the entire Pacific coast.

"There are two Vancouvers. One in this state and one to the north, in the province of British Columbia, in Canada! The state of Washington is known for apples."

Bubblegum interjected. "Thusly, we must conclude that our destination must not be the Vancouver here in Washington!"

Anais rolled her eyes. "Well, duh!"

"Anais!" shouted Nicole, before turning towards Bubblegum. "I'm sorry."

"No worries," Bubblegum assured her. "It's common for those with a certified genius IQ to state that even the most difficult resolutions are obvious ones."

"You're a genius?" questioned Anais.

"Precisely."

"Hmmm." Anais started to think. "So I can be a genius **AND** a princess when I grow up?"

"You can be anything you want if you put your mind to it!"

Anais turned to her mother. "You hear that, Mom? She believes in me! Unlike some people, who believe being a princess isn't an attainable goal…"

Nicole suddenly covered her four-year old's mouth with her hand.

"Now, now, I said nothing of the sort."

She turned towards Princess Bubblegum.

"That last part didn't happen, understand?"

The princess nodded, swearing by it by placing her hand on her left breast.

"I royal promise to forget it!"

Nicole seemed happy, even though she had forgotten that they were being filmed. It had also slipped her mind that they were in a race, as the 9 and the 14 cars pulled into the lot, having escaped from the traffic jam.

"Time to make haste!" Bubblegum said, before hopping back into her car.

Bubblegum pulled away as Nicole tried to get her family back into the wagon.

* * *

Meanwhile, the group that had continued on I-90 had started to arrive at the location of the clue, at the first Starbucks at Pike Place Market, in downtown Seattle.

_[Looks like the MAD Mobile is taking advantage of being in a major metropolitan area to further their campaign.]_

A speaker on the roof started shouting a message for all to here.

"Vote Alfred E. Neuman for President! Alfred E. Neuman for President!"

The van came to a stop right in front of the Starbucks. But instead of the MAD mascot and faux-candidate for U.S. President stepping out, it turned out to be…

_[And out to get the clue is this week's MAD celebrity partner, mega-sensational pop superstar Justin Bieber!]_

The 18-year old only had to take one step out of the van before a large group of teenage girls, as well as some of their mothers, stampeded into the block. That closed the entire area off, making it hard for anyone to get in or out. And they started screaming off random things.

"I love you Justin!"

"I love you more!"

"I got a tattoo of you on my arm!"

"I'm cutting third period to be here!"

"I walked out of a board meeting to be here!" said one mother.

"I walked out of the nursing home to be here!" said that mother's mother.

Justin finally addressed the exuberant crowd.

"Look, I'd love you all if I was your boyfriend, but I'm trying to help this team win a race."

"We'll do anything to help!" screamed the crowd.

"We'd even kill someone!"

All eyes turned towards the clue holder, who had come out of the Starbucks. She, obviously, instantly regretted signing up for this volunteer gig.

"Uh oh."

She was tackled and buried under dozens of girls in seconds; she screamed in pain as she felt herself being literally torn apart as they tried to get the clue from her so they could give it to Justin.

_[Things are starting to get ugly, and just in time for the Muskrat 5000, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, and the Redcoat Special to appear on the scene.]_

The 2, the 4, and the 6 all pulled to a stop at the edge of the block, unable to get any closer to the Starbucks because of the crowd.

"Why are all of these rapscallions trying to rip their clothes off for a simple boy?" asked King George.

"I do not get it," said Andy aloud. "I've heard that boy's music. It sucks."

The words 'It sucks' seemed to reverberate throughout the crowd. The mob turned their attention towards Andy and the other racers.

"Dude, you shouldn't have said that!" exclaimed Rigby.

"Why?" Andy asked, looking back at the raccoon. "I can see it on your face, you think he sucks too!"

"Yeah, but you don't see me telling the whole world! That's a death wish!"

The Bieber fans lunged to attack, but Fawna stepped in and started kicking girls down left and right. Seeing her spurred to action, the guys decided they had to fight as well.

"Rigby!" Mordecai cried.

Rigby ran to the cart to get two golf clubs. He threw one to his friend before charging into the fray, trying to find the clue holder… or what was left of her.

"Go, dude! I'll protect the cart!"

Fawna and two of the Georges followed Rigby in, also trying to get a clue, while the third George, King George, and Andy stayed back with Mordecai to protect their rides.

"We can't shoot minors!" said George #1. "We're not savages!"

One girl reached up and bit George #2 on the left wrist.

"**AH!** Well, we have to do something!"

They started using the butt of their muskets to take out anyone who would dare attack them. Fawna kept using her legs, while Rigby swung away with his club. Eventually, they reached the girls who had taken the clues from the volunteer and took care of them.

"Retreat!" shouted King George from afar. "Retreat!"

George #1 and George #2 led the party back to the cars. Once reunited with their teammates, the three teams got in their vehicles and backed out of the block.

"Here you go, sir," George #1 said, handing the clue card to his king.

King George took it and read it aloud. "This has a picture of a maple leaf on it. That settles it, my fellow Brits! We march north… to Canada!"

As the 2, the 4, and the 6 left, the 3 was still stuck in the midst of the mob. Alfred E. Neuman, determined to get back in the race, reached out and snatched a card from one of the crazed fangirls. She tried to get it back, but stopped when another girl shouted from the far end of the crowd…

"Hey, Justin's trying to get away!"

Justin was seen running away from the mob, who gladly gave chase.

"I want your babies!" the teenagers shouted.

"I want our daughters to have your babies!" bellowed the mothers.

And the mob chased Justin through the streets of Seattle, never to be seen for the rest of this episode.

_[Whew! Glad we got that cameo out of the way already.]_

* * *

_[But let us not forget about the third group, which went north on the 405.]_

Kevin Levin parked his car at the entrance to Juanita Bay Park in Kirkland, a northeast suburb of Seattle. Unfortunately, he saw another car had beaten him there.

"The Zodiac Triplets," he said aloud, identifying the trio.

March, April, and May had just gotten their clue from the attendant and were heading back to their vehicle when they crossed paths with Kevin. They were going to pass by each other without incident, but May decided to stop in front of Kevin.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you're hot?"

Upon hearing that, Kevin smirked. But before he could say something back, May's siblings stepped in.

"You could do so much better than him," her sister, April, told her. "He's got a bad aura."

"And he reeks of motor oil," grumbled her brother, March.

Kevin shrugged his shoulders. "Eh, whatever."

He took his clue from the volunteer and went on his way. The triplets watched Kevin, waiting for him to leave before getting into their car.

"You think that neanderthal knows what a Canuck is?" thought March out loud, the word 'Canuck' on the card they had gotten.

"He's such a jock," commented April, "so I'm gonna say no."

Still, they weren't willing to bet the farm on it, so they got back in their car and headed back to the 405.

_[And as Number 13 leaves the checkpoint, Number 94 arrives!]_

Truffles hopped out of the SCarGo, snatched the card from the volunteer, and ran back.

"What in the hootenanny is a Canuck?"

Shnitzel tried to explain. "Radda radda radda radda…"

But Mung cut him off. "Shnitzel! This is a family-friendly series! But, more importantly, since we don't know, I say we stick by my plan and go get all three clues to be certain we drive to the right Vancouver!"

"Yeah!" Truffles barked. "Do that and watch me strangle you when we come in last!"

"Radda!" agreed Shnitzel.

"Well, what, you want me to just take a guess?"

It turned out he did not need to. The Double Zero pulled up. Ice King got out, picked up the clue, froze the volunteer with his ice powers, and then jumped back in his car.

"Vancouver, Canada, here we come!"

He sped off, unaware that the SCarGo had been parked there. The whole crew had ducked out of sight so he missed seeing them. But once he was away from the checkpoint, they all popped up.

"Radda radda radda?" questioned Shnitzel.

"Yes!" agreed Mung. "That Ice King might not be the most trustworthy shmoe, but that tone of voice is as confident as you can get! Sorry, Truffles, but your idea to go get all three clues is out the window!"

"My idea? **THAT WAS YOURS!**"

"No matter. Let's set course for Vancouver, British Columbia!"

The Number 94 machine started back up and Mung began an attempt to find his way back to the highway.

_[Well, it didn't take as long as I thought, but all of our Wacky Racers now know the finish awaits them in Vancouver, British Columbia! The question is who will get there first? Stay tuned for Part 2 of our thrilling race!]_


	2. Which Way to Vancouver?, Part 2

A radar appeared on-screen, showing an assortment of dots swaying left and right as they headed towards the top of the screen.

_[Now that the racers all know that they are heading to Vancouver, British Columbia, the field is once more bunched up…]_

Suddenly, the dot at the head of the pack stopped moving. So did the dot immediately behind it. The others began to follow in succession.

_[Wait a minute! All the cars are stopping for some reason.]_

A switch over to the live feed showed why. The racers had reached the border crossing into Canada and had to stop before being allowed passage. First in line was The American Manly Man in the Number 14 machine.

"Anything to declare?" asked the customs officer.

"Yes, sir," American Manly Man said in reply. "I declare that I am an American! Don't tread on me, those who are haters of freedom and apple pie!"

The officer had a frown on his face, unhappy with the racer's answer. In the next lane over, the Zodiac Triplets were in the middle of their customs interrogation.

"So, tell me, you kids traveling alone?"

"We're not kids," deadpanned March, the eldest of the triplets. "We're young adults."

"Well, you won't mind if you 'young adults' show me some passports?"

March handed over their passports. The officer looked them over.

"You three are really 18? You don't look 18."

"And you look 52," grumbled May, "but you don't see me raising the dead over it."

The officer glared at her.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

He handed the passports back to the triplets. March then pressed on the accelerator and they were off, the first racers to cross into Canada. But while they had escaped further questioning, Mordecai and Rigby were not as lucky, as they had been told to get out of their golf cart.

"What the heck, man?" questioned Rigby, annoyed.

"No live animals cross the border without being checked out by the on-site vet," the officer told them.

"We're not animals!" exclaimed Mordecai. "At least, not typical ones."

"You think I was born yesterday?"

"Yes," said Rigby.

Mordecai punched his friend in the arm.

"**OW!**"

"Dude. Not helping."

The Watterson family pulled up, but something was different. They were all Groucho Marx masks, hoping to hide their cat and/or rabbit features.

"Eh, everything seems normal here," their inspector said upon examination.

_[Looks like the Mung Daal Catering team is having issues…]_

Three border officers had surrounded the Number 94. Mung Daal and his crew were being thoroughly searched and frisked by one of the officers while the other two were trying to figure out if they should be allowed passage.

"What do we do?" one officer asked the other. "We got a rock monster, a pixie, whatever that is, and a car carved out of a giant snail."

"And we're **SURE** we're not being pranked?"

"**JUST LET US THROUGH!**" screamed Truffles. "**WE'RE IN A RACE AND YOU'RE MAKING US LOSE!**"

_[And they weren't the only racers facing scrutiny for an animal-shaped race vehicle, as the Number 4 machine was also being stopped short.]_

"I'm-a telling you, sir," Andy told the inspector, "it's all wood! There ain't no actual squirrel in this thing!"

"I believe you," the guy told him, "but it's too big. You got to turn around and enter at the truck crossing!"

A different border officer was telling the same thing to the Georges.

"Too many axles! You have to go to the truck crossing on 543!"

"Man," complained one of the Georges. "We sent astray our muskets for nothing!"

King George glared at his solider, as did the border officer.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing, good sir," King George said, covering for him.

They turned around and started heading back south on Interstate 5 to find the exit for the truck border crossing.

"You're lucky we're in America, George. If I had my way, you'd be beheaded on the spot!"

"I bless the Queen for your leniency, sir," George said with relief.

_[All of the Wacky Racers continue to try and get into Canada, although it seems that we're missing one racer.]_

"Psst! Up here, you ninny!"

Pan up to the sky, about 1500 feet above the highway, the Double Zero was flying over the border thanks to a pair of propellers that were hidden in the vehicle: one in front of the windshield, the other poking out from the top of the trunk.

"If you can't go through it, go over it, I always say!" exclaimed Ice King.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!" chuckled Gunter.

_[You can't do that! It's against the law!]_

"I'm the Ice King! I have diplomatic immunity, you twit!"

_[I don't think that's how that works.]_

"And who's gonna bust me? You're not the border patrol!"

The narrator had no response to that.

"That's what I thought! Alright, Gunter, cut the power so we can land this bad boy."

Gunter followed his master's order exactly.

"Wenk."

The penguin pressed a button, and instantly, the propellers stopped spinning. The Absolute Chill dropped like a rock, hitting the ground with such force that the automobile had been reduced to a pile of rubble.

"Drat!" cursed Ice King.

Gunter popped out of the mess and started snickering.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk."

Ice King reached over with a closed fist and bopped Gunter on the head with it. Afterwards, the penguin complained about it.

"Wenk wenk wenk."

* * *

About half an hour later, all of the racers had made it across the border and were now making their way along Provincial Highway 99, now just miles away from the finish line.

_[The racers are now in the final few miles and are positioning themselves for the run to the finish.]_

The American Manly Man was driving like a madman as he tried to get to the front.

_[Number 14, Old Glory, is trying to get past Kevin Levin in the Number 11.]_

"Stand aside, citizen!" American Manly Man shouted. "True American coming through!"

"I'm not unpatriotic…" prefaced Kevin.

He looked down at a group of buttons on his dashboard - Ray Gun, The Blob, Spiked Traction, and Immobilizer – and pressed the last one. A panel opened up on the passenger side of Kevin's car, right above the rear wheel. A blue beam shot out of it, hitting the Number 14's left front wheel. The beam quickly spread to the rest of the car, which skidded to a complete stop. Luckily, A.M.M. was wearing his seatbelt, so he did not go flying out of his vehicle. Still, he was distraught to have been stopped in his tracks.

"…but I don't lose races," finished the former delinquent.

A.M.M. got out of his car and tried to figure out what to do about his immobilized vehicle. He went around it once, examining every nook and cranny.

"By dawn's early light, why in blue blazes won't you go?"

He reared back his left leg and used it to kick the left front tire. Once he did, the effect of the beam wore off, and Old Glory sped off, as if it had never stopped.

"Hey! A true American car would never turn its back on one of his own!"

He ran after his car, sprinting with such tremendous speed that he miraculously caught up with it and hopped back in, even though the latter was going around 60 miles per hour. Expecting the readers to be baffled, A.M.M. turned towards the camera and explained what had just happened.

"Oh, don't you know? All true Americans are superheroes, after all!"

And with that, he got back in the race.

_[Meanwhile, the Candy Corn Carriage and the Watterson Special are battling for the second spot.]_

"We've got to lighten the load!" Nicole said to her family.

"Already on it!" proclaimed her husband, who had already whipped off his pants.

Before Nicole could object, Richard tossed his pants out the window. They flew into the open window of Princess Bubblegum's machine, landing in her lap.

"What the cabbage?"

She tossed the extra-large pants aside and turned her attention back to the race. She took a glance down at a grouping of buttons on her dashboard, each labeled not with a name, but a different type of snack treat. She pressed the one with a piece of popcorn on it.

_[And Princess Bubblegum's car pushes ahead with Dark Popcorn Power!]_

An additional exhaust pipe appeared out of the back of the Number 5, and chocolate-covered popcorn starting shooting out of it. The propulsion it was giving ended up rocketing Bubblegum's car past the Wattersons. It was also more than enough power to not only close in on the leader, car Number 3, but pass him as well.

_[And right past Alfred E. Neuman she goes to take over the lead!]_

"Oh, I feel good about this!" Bubblegum said aloud. "To victory!"

But she would not be overjoyed for long, as out of nowhere came the Double Zero! Ice King raced by all the leaders before they could do anything to stop him.

"Sorry, Princess!" Ice King called out as he looked back at Bubblegum, "but your first-place trophy won't be gotten on this day!"

Bubblegum scoffed as Ice King pressed on the gas and left her and the other racers in the dust.

_[Well, it looks like Ice King might have to make room in his trophy case for a gold Wacky Race one… but wait a minute!]_

Ice King pulled off to the side of the road and stopped. He opened the trunk of his car and ran to it to pull something out of it.

_[Could something have gone wrong with the Double Zero?]_

"Quite the opposite, my friend!" stated Ice King.

Whatever he had pulled out of the trunk, he started to put on. A few seconds later, the narrator realized what was going on.

_[Oh, dressing up as Cinnamon Bun, one of Princess Bubblegum's loyal candy subjects? Ice King, you sneaky devil!]_

"Exactly! Bubblegum can't resist stopping to help one of her own, especially if they are in distress! Once she pulls off the road, I'll make her mine… by giving her a close up of the inside of my trunk! **MWA HA HA HA!**"

He then turned to his assistant.

"Gunter, zip me up!"

"Wenk!"

Ice King then heard the sound of the Candy Corn Carriage drawing near. Gunter waddled off to hide on the other side of the car, while 'Cinnamon Bun' made his way to the middle of the two-lane highway. He got right on the dotted line separating the two lanes and then laid down on his back. He started to wiggle back and forth!

"Help!" he cried. "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Suddenly, the vehicle came up over the hill and started bearing down on 'Cinnamon Bun.' Unfortunately, it was not the Candy Corn Carriage.

It was an eighteen-wheeler.

"**GUNTER!** I've fallen and I can't get up! **HELP ME!**"

He tried desperately to get to his feet, but no matter how hard he tried, he could not get up. And the truck was not stopping, even with the driver blaring his horn to get out of the way.

**BAM!**

The truck kept on going as if it had just hit a small bump in the highway. Meanwhile, Ice King had been flattened, and there were large tire tracks on his Cinnamon Bun costume to prove he had just been run over. As he groaned and tried to get feeling back in… everything, Gunter… well.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!" laughed Gunter.

"Stop laughing, you, and help me up!"

Gunter was about to, but he heard another vehicle coming. He ran back behind the car, while Ice King was subject to being flattened again.

This time by the Candy Corn Carriage.

"Whoa!" Bubblegum said after her car went over the Ice King. "Maybe these Canadian roads aren't as well-maintained as I was led to believe."

But despite the rough bump, she did not stop. And neither did the other racers, who one at a time followed the truck's tire tracks right over 'Cinnamon Bun.'

"Oh, fishsticks," grumbled Ice King, still alive after all of that.

Gunter reappeared from behind the car, and… you guessed it.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

* * *

_[The Wacky Racers are now within the city limits, and the finish line waits ahead, just short of the historic Lions Gate Bridge!]_

All the cars were jostling for position on the streets of downtown Vancouver.

_[Princess Bubblegum is still holding on to a slim lead.]_

She safely maneuvers her way through the busy streets. Someone was going to have to take a risk to get past her.

_[And here comes Number 13, the Triskaidekaphobiawagon, using Rat Power!]_

A giant hamster wheel popped out of the engine compartment and on it was a dozen rats, running their little hearts out.

"Run, rats, run!" exclaimed April. "Run 'til you can't run no more!"

_[Not to be outdone, here comes the SCarGo, using… 'Gee, Kid, Put on a Shirt' Power!]_

Attached to the front of the Number 94 machine was a shirtless Chowder, running on a treadmill, drawn to run as a piece of cheese dangled from a fishing line, which was being held up by a pole being held by Shnitzel.

"Why am I running?" Chowder asked himself, wheezing and struggling to breathe. "I didn't agree to this!"

_[Mordecai and Rigby in the Muskrat 5000 are now vying to take the lead.]_

"Turn it all the way up!" ordered Mordecai.

Rigby reached for the power knob on the rockets attached to the back of their cart. Currently at the '6' setting, he turned it up to '10,' and then past that to an '11' that had been penciled in. Traveling past its maximum speed, Mordecai and Rigby easily took the lead. But Mordecai struggled to keep control and suddenly, the cart turned sideways.

_[Uh oh! Might've put too much power into it.]_

The pair had no choice but to abandon cart, and they jumped out. It was just in time, too, as the cart flipped over once, twice, and then, on the third flip, the rocket engine hit the ground and exploded! Mordecai and Rigby were okay, but were now out of the race as the other cars continued on past them.

"Man, Benson's gonna kill us."

As they checked to see if there was anything that could be salvaged from the wreckage, the race continued on.

_[While one rocket-powered vehicle may be out, the other is also pushing itself to the limit, as the Double Zero comes barreling through the field!]_

The Ice King started to swerve his way through the field, passing by one racer after another, until he had gotten by them all.

_[And without any resistance, the Ice King is back in the lead!]_

"And there's nothing any of the other racers can do about it! I'm gonna win!"

Suddenly, Ice King heard police sirens. One police car came out from a side street and started driving up behind the Double Zero. Two more appeared ahead, and they turned sideways in order to block the road. Ice King had no choice but to hit the brakes and come to a stop.

One of the officers stepped out of his squad car with a megaphone in hand.

"Ice King! This is the RCMP! We have you surrounded!"

"Wha?" Ice King gasped in surprise.

"You're under arrest for illegally entering the country!"

Another officer had gotten out of the car behind the Absolute Chill. Just as Ice King had raised his hand to shoot an ice bolt at the megaphone-wielding officer, he felt the arm be handcuffed by the officer from behind. He was then roughly pulled from his car and pushed to the ground.

"Come on, guys!" he pleaded as his other wrist was handcuffed. "Can't we do this after the race?"

One of the cars that had been blocking the road pulled out of the way, just in time to allow the other racers to get through without slowing down.

"**NO! YOU DUNDERHEADS!**"

* * *

_[The crowd cheers as the racers come to the finish line! And the winner is…]_

The first car crossed the line, and it was the Number 94.

_[It's the Mung Daal Catering Team in the SCarGo! Second goes to Number 13, the Triskaidekaphobiawagon! And Number 5, the Candy Corn Carriage, takes third place!]_

After the 13 and the 5 had gone through, the other cars followed in single-file fashion: the 14, the 3, the 11, the 9, the 12, the 6, and the 4.

* * *

The top three finishing teams were atop the podium at nearby Stanley Park. Princess Bubblegum and the Zodiac Triplets had already received their smaller bronze and silver trophies, respectively. They turned towards Mung Daal, Shnitzel, Truffles, and Chowder, all on the top step. The head official gave Mung the gold trophy, signifying his team's victory.

"We did it, baby!" Mung Daal exclaimed.

He kissed his wife as Shnitzel took the trophy. Meanwhile, Chowder celebrated their victory by breaking out in song.

Badly.

"_Weeeeee are the winners, my friends! And we'll stop fighting, 'cause it's over!_"

"**CHOWDER, NO SINGING!**" snapped Mung.

Chowder stopped.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ice King and Gunter were sad as the jail door slammed shut at the local police station.

"Drat!" cursed Ice King. "And double drat!"

Gunter shrugged his shoulders… and then started snickering.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

**** End Episode One ****


	3. Detour at the Dells, Part 1

**The New Wacky Races  
Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

Thanks to all of you who read the first episode, and even more thanks for coming back to read the second! This week, it's up to the Great Lakes region, and more specifically, the state of Wisconsin! What lengths will the Ice King go to in order to win? Read on to find out!

**Disclaimer:** All original characters belong to me; all others are the property of their respective owners.

* * *

Fade in as the racers are traveling on an expressway just south of the Wisconsin-Minnesota state border. The 12 participating race vehicles had just been given the green light, signifying the end of the rolling start and the start of the race.

_[This week's Wacky Race takes us to the Great Lakes region of the country. The route for this race takes our drivers through the western parts of the state of Wisconsin, starting just outside of the city of Superior and ending in the small town of Bluffview.]_

* * *

A look at the finish line in Bluffview showed that there was nobody waiting to cheer the racers on.

_[Hey! Where's the crowd of adoring fans to cheer the racers home? Oh, wait, I'm being handed a note…]_

A sound of crumpled paper being handed over was heard.

_[Oh, that explains it! They're at the Dells!]_

* * *

A few miles north of the finish line, the crowd that had paid to watch the end of the race was instead having fun at the many waterparks that made up the resort area known as the Wisconsin Dells.

_[I'd join them, but I forgot to bring my swimsuit.]_

* * *

_[Let's hope the temptation to visit the Waterpark Capital of the World isn't greater than these racers' desire to win a Wacky Race.]_

Short pan over to Mordecai and Rigby in the Muskrat 5000, where Mordecai was putting on some sunscreen and Rigby was wearing a rubber ducky inner tube.

"Going to the Dells!" said Mordecai with a smile.

"Waterpark Capital of the World!" exclaimed Rigby.

"**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!**" they shouted in unison.

_[Well, so much for that.]_

**The New Wacky Races  
Episode 2: Detour at the Dells (08.27.12)**

_[Now let's check in on the actual race and see where everyone stands._

_Number 3, the MAD Mobile, is out front. And driver Alfred E. Neuman is using this time to promote his ongoing presidential campaign.]_

"Why vote for someone who'll lie sometimes to convince you he's better than the other guy?" said a man. "Get behind the only presidential candidate who will always, **ALWAYS** lie! 'Cause your next president should always give you answers that are 100 percent consistent! Vote Alfred E. Neuman for President!"

_[How could you not vote for him now? His ticket may get an even bigger boost if he can win this race. But he may get a challenge from the Zodiac Triplets in the Number 13 machine.]_

"Politics are so lame," commented March.

"I say we should take care of that loudmouth!" exclaimed April.

"I don't know," noted May with hesitation. "You think he's looking for a Secretary of State? I've always wanted to live in the White House!"

Her older siblings glared at her.

"So, I'll take that as a no?"

_[Speaking of things we wish we could say no to, here's a racer we wished we never gave a racing permit to, the Ice King in the Double Zero!]_

"Alright, Gunter," Ice King said, looking over at his navigator, "we need to find a way to get out front! And it starts with getting rid of the Zodiacs!"

Gunter offered a suggestion. "Wenk wenk?"

"Good idea!"

Ice King pressed an unlabeled button on his dashboard. Three icicles launched out from the front grill of the Absolute Chill. Two of them hit nothing, but the third landed square in the Zodiacs' left taillight. March pulled the car off to the side of the road. As he got out to inspect the damage, the Double Zero drove past.

"See you later, slow-mos!" Ice King shouted at them.

March did not even get back to the taillight, but he was already thinking of a way to get revenge. And as he looked over at his two sisters, he knew that they were thinking the same thing.

"Power of the dragon," the triplets chanted, "use your flames to smite down our enemies!"

A dragon appeared in the sky above the Number 13 car and it started flying towards the Ice King's vehicle.

"Oh no!" shouted Ice King.

He pressed on the gas to try and get away. The dragon breathed fire, intending to melt the Double Zero down to nothing. But the Ice King managed to get around the MAD Mobile, resulting in it being hit instead.

_[Uh oh! Number 3 is in some serious trouble!]_

The MAD Mobile pulled off the road to take care of its issue. The back door of the van swung open and Korra, the Avatar, stepped out.

_[Look! It's this week's MAD celebrity partner, the Avatar herself, Korra! And luckily, her specialty is waterbending! Perfect for putting out fires!]_

And Korra was doing just that, using some water from a canteen attached to her hip to douse the flames on the Number 3.

"When I wanted to go on vacation, this isn't what I meant!"

Once the fire was out, Korra turned her attention to the dragon that had been summoned by the Zodiac Triplets.

"**YOU!**"

She slammed the ground with her right foot, causing a giant chunk of the asphalt shoulder to become dislodged from the ground. Using her earthbending powers, she flung it at the dragon. It hit its target right in the head, and as a result, the dragon fell to the ground, having been knocked out.

"That'll show you to ruin my vacation!" Korra exclaimed.

_[Mung Daal and his catering team are approaching the scene…]_

"**WHOA!**"

The dragon had landed in the middle of the highway, which meant that Mung had to swerve the SCarGo out of the way to avoid a collision. But he decided to get on the shoulder, which left him no choice but to drive into the big pothole in the ground left by Korra's earthbending.

_[…and they can't help but get caught up in the mess.]_

"Radda radda radda!" grumbled Shnitzel.

"Like you could've dodged that!" Mung fired back in protest.

* * *

_[Having escaped retaliation for his despicable actions, the Ice King now has a sizable gap over the rest of the field.]_

Suddenly, Ice King decided to stop.

_[And, of course, now that means he wants to slow down the opposition even more!]_

"Slow them down?" Ice King looked at the screen. "I want to them all out! Victory's not sweet enough unless you're the only one to reach the finish! Heh heh heh heh!"

Ice King needed only a few minutes to set up a roadside booth. As he did that, Gunter was seen nailing signs leading up to it. The narrator read one of them out loud.

_['Free cheese?']_

"Precisely! When in Wisconsin, do what the Wisconsinites do! Give out cheese samples! The others racers wouldn't dare resist!"

Ice King placed two cheese wheels on the counter. He unwrapped the first – a sharp cheddar one - while leaving the second type – limburger – in its dome.

_[You don't honestly think that's going to work, do you?]_

Suddenly, the sound of wheels screeching to a halt was heard. The first racer to reach the booth was the American Manly Man, who had seen the Ice King's signs and stopped without even giving it a second thought.

"Don't you hate being wrong all the time?"

The Ice King disappeared underneath the counter and reappeared a second later, wearing a fake blonde wig and mustache to cover his face.

"Greetings, American citizen!" the buff patriot said in greeting. "I couldn't help but notice you're giving out free samples of your American-made cheese!"

"Yes!" Ice King exclaimed, before coughing to give him a second to change into a more fitting regional dialect. "Oh, you'd be surprised what us Wisconsinites would do for total strangers!"

A.M.M. looked at his choices.

"I'm not an expert on cheeses, but I don't think limburger is American."

"Sure it is! Just take a whiff!"

Ice King lifted the dome off of the limburger and then pulled a clothespin out of nowhere to keep his nostrils closed. A.M.M. leaned into the limburger wheel and inhaled deeply.

"Oh! I feel like that just put hair on my chest! It **IS** American!"

He then promptly fainted, the stink too much for him to bear.

"Heh heh heh," laughed Ice King. "Excellent!"

Gunter waddled in with some rope and he started to tie the guy up. At that moment, Ice King heard another car approach.

"Gunter, vamoose! Here comes another sucker!"

Gunter pulled the American Manly Man out of sight to finish his work, while Ice King put the dome back over the limburger cheese.

_[It looks like the sweet Princess Bubblegum has decided to make a pit stop to check out this random cheese booth.]_

Bubblegum turned off the engine to her Number 5 machine. She got out and approached the booth.

"Pardon me, o great salesman of cheese! Do you happen to be offering any gorgonzola, or, at the very least, point me in the direction of where I can find some? I need some for a little experiment I'm going to be conducting next week."

"Sorry, toots. Sharp cheddar or limburger?"

"Hmmm…"

Bubblegum's eyes darted back and forth between the two cheese wheels.

"Are those stink lines?"

"Oh, you'd be surprised what people see coming out of their cheese! Here, take a closer look!"

He lifted the dome. Almost instantly, Bubblegum started inhaling the foul stench of the limburger cheese. And it was making her gag.

"Blech! What the cabbage?"

Gunter jumped on the princess' back, hoping that he had enough force to push her forward into the limburger cheese wheel. Unfortunately, the answer was no, and she was not happy about giving a penguin a piggy-back ride. She picked Gunter off of her back and threw it at the disguised vendor.

"Wenk wenk!"

The Ice King sidestepped out of the way to avoid being knocked down, but as Gunter passed, he had reached a flipper up to grab something to stop him. Instead, Gunter had gotten a hold of the Ice King's fake wig and mustache, revealing him to the princess.

"Ice King!"

"That's right, baby! It's me! What you gonna do about it?"

Bubblegum was ready to deck the Ice King with an uppercut. But the stench of limburger was making her dizzy. Eventually, she succumbed to it and fell unconscious as well. Ice King managed to get around the booth to catch her and keep her from hitting the ground.

"This is working better than I thought!"

He pulled out a rope and started tying her up. As he did, the Ice King failed to notice another car pull up to the booth.

It was the Number 4, the Trojan Flying Squirrel.

"The Ice King's trying to kidnap Princess Bubblegum!" shouted Andy, as he got out of the driver's side. "Fawna!"

Fawna the deer emerged from the passenger's side, and seeing the situation in front of her, she charged at the Ice King, antlers forward.

"Gunter!" Ice King called out. "Stop being lazy and come help me with Bubblegum!"

By the time he realized that Fawna was bearing down on him, it was too late. She pushed him away from the princess – who fell to the ground - by using her antlers…

"Ow! Hey, what's the big idea?"

Fawna then spun around and kicked the Ice King with her powerful hind legs. The chilly monarch was launched head-first into the Absolute Chill, hitting right between the two zeros on the driver's side door.

"Good work, Fawna!" Andy said, petting Fawna on the head. "That'll teach the Ice King to kidnap princesses!"

Andy then tended to the unconscious Bubblegum. He repositioned her so that he was supporting the back of her head with his right hand, and then used his left hand to snap his fingers loudly. After a few tries, the princess came to.

"Huh? Andy?"

"Are you good, Princess Bubblegum?"

"I'm fine."

Andy backed away so that he could help Bubblegum back on her feet.

"Thank you very much."

"Anything for you, Princess!"

Meanwhile, Fawna destroyed the Ice King's cheese booth in two swift kicks. Doing so revealed that American Manly Man had been stashed under the counter, and he had been tied up. Fawna started gnawing at the ropes to free him. She finished just as the superhero came to.

"What in Liberty's bell happened?" he asked.

"That butt the Ice King happened," explained Bubblegum.

The other Wacky Racers arrived in the scene. All of them raced by, not even stopping to see if they needed any assistance.

"Thanks for the help, Andy, but there's a race to get back to!"

With that, Bubblegum ran back to her car.

"We've got to go too!"

Andy whistled at Fawna, signaling that it was time to get back on the road. The American Manly Man shook his head to get his bearings before running back to his car as well.

Only after all three cars had pulled away did Gunter push himself up off of the ground and go over to check on the Ice King's condition.

"Gunter, is that you?" asked Ice King. "**I'M STUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE!**"

But all the penguin did was point at his master's behind and laugh.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk."

* * *

_[Now up at the front, the Formula Firebird and the Chick Magnet are battling neck-and-neck for the lead!]_

The Number 9 and the Number 11 were trying to outmuscle each other as they raced for the junction with Interstate 94.

"No one ever beats me at anything!" declared Davey.

"Well, you've never had to race me!" Kevin fired back.

The two cars took turns exchanging the lead in the miles coming up to the exit to the interstate. They continued to do so right until the very end. As they approached the ramp for I-94 westbound, Kevin drove into the exiting lane. Davey got alongside and tried to get ahead, but Kevin was having none of it. Eventually, Davey was forced to back off, continuing on to the next ramp while Kevin turned his car onto the westbound ramp, using precision steering and careful brake application to navigate it without flipping over.

Only once he was on the interstate and driving straight did Kevin breathe a sigh of relief.

"Told him no one could beat Kevin Levin!"

He looked in his rear-view mirror and saw that the Number 9 car was not following him. In fact, no one was following him.

"Looks like I've got this one in the bag!"

As he pressed on the accelerator to increase his speed…

* * *

…Davey Edison Jr. had taken the I-94 eastbound ramp, and he was pleased upon doing so.

"Rule number one of a road rally!" he explained aloud. "A great driver always knows which way to go! And is never duped into going the wrong way!"

_[Davey's prior racing experience is paying him dividends, as he now has sole possession of first place!]_

The other cars were following Davey, with Mordecai and Rigby in second place, followed by King George and the Georges in third. Or so it seemed, as one car decided not to get on I-94 and instead intended to stay on US-53.

_[It appears that the 94 is not getting on the 94!]_

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Truffles asked her husband.

"Of course I do, woman!" replied Mung. "I am a man! We don't need directions when it comes to driving!"

"Yeah!" repeated Chowder. "Men don't need directions when it comes to driving!"

_[The 94 team is banking on the scenic route, it seems.]_

* * *

_[As for the 11…]_

Getting curious as to why none of the other racers were in sight behind them, Kevin decided to enlist some help. So he called his girlfriend, Gwen Tennyson.

"Gwen! Quick question!"

"A simple 'Hi' would be nice," Gwen said in reply, over speakerphone.

"I have to go west from 53 to get to the Dells, right?"

Silence.

"Gwen?"

"Do I look like a GPS?"

"Will you just tell me?"

Gwen sighed. "Give me a minute."

As Kevin waited, he continued to speed down I-94.

"Kevin?"

"Yes?"

"Yeah, I don't know how to tell you this, but you were supposed to go east."

It took Kevin a few seconds to absorb what Gwen had just told him. Then he filled with rage.

"**THAT LITTLE RAT!**"

"Pardon?"

"He pinned me in that exit lane on purpose!"

Kevin turned the steering wheel hard left, crossing over the grass median, temporarily ignoring the fact that doing so at that speed could result in serious damage to the underside of his ride. Once in the eastbound lanes, he slammed on the accelerator and zoomed off to get back in the race.

"Gwen, I'll call you later!"

With that, Kevin hung up.

"When I catch up to him, that hotshot's gonna get it!"

* * *

_[Meanwhile, the Formula Firebird seems content with his first place position.]_

"And who wouldn't be?" he questioned. "On the interstate, no one can beat my car's top speed."

_[The Muskrat 5000 and the Redcoat Special are darned trying, though.]_

"Trim the sails!" ordered King George. "Batten down the hatches! Sails at full! We have to run that uncouth speed demon down!"

The Georges did as their king commanded, and soon they were gaining on the second-place racer, piloted by Mordecai and Rigby.

"Do something!" barked Rigby. "Those redcoats are gonna pass us!"

"It's going as fast as it will go!" Mordecai exclaimed, indicating that his foot had the pedal already down to the floor.

"The speed limit's 65 and we top out at 70? You've got to be kidding me!"

Suddenly, the three leaders heard a police siren.

_[Well, it sounds like apparently five miles over the limit is enough for the state troopers to take note.]_

"Ignore the local law!" King George shouted. "We have diplomatic immunity!"

"My liege!" interrupted George #1. "That was revoked last month when the Queen learned you were having the royal horse eat her majesty's hydrangeas! With all the parking tickets you've racked up, we could be in major trouble, sir!"

"Darn that beast of a woman I call my wife! Cut all sails, turn to starboard!"

"It's the fuzz!" exclaimed Rigby, in a panic.

"If Benson finds out we got a ticket, he'll fire us for sure!" cried Mordecai.

"I suppose maybe I was going too fast," admitted Davey out loud.

All three cars pulled over to the right lane and slowed down, hoping the trooper would pass them. A car did pass them, but it was not one that had any kind of police markings on it. The noise of a siren was coming from it despite the absence of one on the outside of the car.

Instead, it was coming from a megaphone. And its wielder?

_[And look who finally decided to show up! It's Chris McLean and Chef Hatchet in Number 7, the Chris Calamity Convertible! And they make their belated entrance by impersonating a state trooper. Really?]_

"Hey!" argued Chris. "We wouldn't have to resort to such cheap tricks if someone had remembered to set the alarm clock last night!"

Chris glared at Chef, who was behind the wheel.

"Why you blaming me? We didn't even sleep in the same room!"

Chris rolled his eyes, not believing Chef one bit. He then turned around in the top-down convertible and spoke into the megaphone.

"Good luck catching us, suckers! Ha ha!"

With that, Chris relaxed as he slumped down in his seat.

"Now that we're in first place, I guess we can put this one in the bag."

Suddenly, Chris started hearing sirens.

"Chef, turn that off!"

Chef looked dumbfounded, especially since Chris was still holding the megaphone. Which, he realized, was definitely not making any noise.

"Wait! Is that a real cop? **CHEF!**"

In a panic, Chef pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. A car raced by them, one dressed up like a trooper patrol car. But upon passing the Number 7, the fake outer shell flew off, revealing that it was the Double Zero, with a siren pinned on top of the roof of the car.

_[And now the Double Zero zooms into the lead, using the Canadian reality host's own trick against him!]_

"The only trickster is me! And don't you forget it!"

The Ice King continued to speed down Interstate 94, going right by a real state trooper who was in the median, standing next to his car with a speed gun in his hand.

One that was pointed right at the Absolute Chill.

Seeing how fast the Ice King was going, the trooper hopped into his car and gave chase, turning on his siren.

"Hey!" Ice King exclaimed upon hearing the siren. "I already stole a trick! How dare someone steal it from me!"

"This is the police!" the trooper said aloud, via his speaker. "Pull over!"

"Nice try, bud, but you're not a real cop!"

"I'm a real cop, and if you don't pull over right now, I will not hesitate to use force!"

"**I'M NOT LISTENING!**" yelled Ice King.

_[Um, Ice King?]_

"What, now you're in on it? Listen, you half-brained narrator…"

He never finished his sentence, because the real state trooper sped up and pulled alongside the Ice King.

"**THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING! PULL OVER!**"

Finally realizing that the guy alongside him was, in fact, the real deal, the Ice King complied and pulled off to the shoulder. The trooper stopped a few feet in front of him. A couple seconds later, he got out of the car and marched back to talk with the Ice King.

The Ice King decided to try to persuade the trooper to get out of it.

"I'm sorry, officer, but there's been a misunderstanding. I thought you were a fake because I impersonated a police officer to get past someone else who was impersonating a police officer to get ahead in this race we're having and…"

The trooper's eyes narrowed, obviously displeased with what he was hearing. He started filling out a ticket as he read what he was charging the Ice King with.

"Doing 85 in a 65 zone, impersonating a police officer, and participating in illegal street racing."

"What? This is a legal, sanctioned race!"

"You're an old man dressed like he's spent his whole life in a palace full of ice, which is probably filled with penguins that are you're royal servants, and you expect me to believe you?"

"Yes!"

The Number 7 car drove past. The Ice King tried to get the trooper's attention and rat them out.

"Hey, that's the other car that's impersonating a cop! Bust him!"

The trooper looked at the Chris Calamity Convertible, searching for any visible proof before the car could get out of sight range. Seeing none, the trooper frowned and then went back to the ticket he was writing.

"And now you've added lying to an officer…"

"That's a crime?"

Seeing the writing on the wall, the Ice King had only one course of action.

He used his ice powers to freeze the trooper alive, as well as his car.

"So long, sap!"

With that, Ice King drove away.

_[It looks like Ice King's avoid the long arm of the law for now. But will he get to the finish line and get out of Wisconsin before the trooper unfreezes? Find out in Part 2 of this week's exciting race!]_


	4. Detour at the Dells, Part 2

_[We rejoin this week's Wacky Race, where it seems one of our participants has decided to make a short stop in the town of Wisconsin Rapids.]_

The racer in question is Davey Edison Jr., driver of the Number 9, who happens to be standing in front of a house that has special meaning to him. He had a camera out and, at the moment, was taking photographs of said house.

_[So, Davey, what are you up to?]_

"Glad you asked! You see, I'm standing in front of the house where one of my racing idols grew up!"

_[Really? May I ask which one?]_

Davey stopped to answer the narrator.

"Dick Trickle!"

_[Come again?]_

"Dick Trickle!"

_[You **DO** realize this is a family-friendly series, right?]_

"But it's his name!"

_[There is no way that someone would willingly go by that na- wait, I've just been handed something. Apparently, there was a stock car driver that went by that very name!]_

"Told ya!"

_[Well, color me surprised.]_

Davey went back to snapping photos.

_[While Davey goes back to his idol worshipping…]_

* * *

_[…we learn that he's not the only Wacky Racer that's off the beaten path.]_

"We're lost!" cried Truffles.

"We're not lost!" argued Mung. "We're just taking the scenic route."

Suddenly, the Number 94 machine passed a sign that read 'Minnesota Welcomes You,' with the sign carved out to be shaped like the state itself.

"Yep. Just taking the scenic route."

"Mung?" Chowder asked. "What's a Minnesota?"

"A soup that has golden gopher meat and is served in a Viking helmet!"

Chowder licked his lips. "Sounds delicious!"

"Well, good luck finding anyone sellin' it, 'cause golden gophers and Vikings are extinct!"

Shnitzel proceeded to smack himself in the face.

"Argh, radda radda!"

* * *

_[But enough of racers forgetting that they're in a race, and the use of a bevy of bad jokes to make light of the situation… let's see where the main field is!]_

The leaders were shown passing a more traditional road sign, which read 'Wisconsin Dells – Follow I-90/I-94 East.' Shortly thereafter was I-94's junction with I-90, where the two interstates would be concurrent from this point eastward.

_[Number 7, the Chris Calamity Convertible, is still holding a slim lead. But Number 6, the Redcoat Special, is right on their tail!]_

"It's the Canadians!" exclaimed King George. "We must capture them so their government is forced to give us back British Columbia! After all, it has British in the name, so it must be ours!"

The Georges raced off to load the starboard cannons, while the King pulled the Number 6 up to and alongside the Number 7.

"What are they doing?" Chris asked.

"Whatever it is," Chef replied, "it ain't right!"

They would find out, as King George gave the command to blast away.

"**FIRE!**"

Three cannons fired from the right side of the machine, aimed towards the Number 7. None of the shots hit their intended target, but one whizzed just a few inches above Chris' head.

And that made him angry.

"My hair! No one messes with my hair! **CHEF!**"

"Already on it," Chef said, pulling a bazooka out from underneath the back seat.

Chef Hatchet loaded it with a can of his namesake spicy spaghetti and meatballs and fired at one of the cannons. It hit it dead center, right in the hole, so when the George operating it attempted to fire, the cannon ended up blowing up in his face.

Chef and the two remaining Georges continued to exchange fire on the highway, while Chris and King George, respectively, tried their best to keep their cars on the road and avoid being hit.

_[Looks like America is sticking its nose in, as American Manly Man in the Number 14 machine, is coming up to intervene.]_

"When you mess with Canada," A.M.M. declared. "You mess with America!"

King George saw the American superhero pull up right behind the Number 7.

"Redirect all cannon fire 30 degrees starboard!" he ordered.

His men did as instructed and they opened fire on the Number 14. A.M.M. dodged that first round of cannonballs and then prepared for a retaliatory strike.

"This ought to show those Brits not to mess with America!"

He pressed a button on his steering wheel labeled 'BE.' Those letters stood for bald eagle, as a large cage holding one rose out of his back seat. Once it was eight feet above the car, the cage door swung open. The eagle took the chance to fly the coop.

"Where are you going?" asked A.M.M. as the bald eagle flew away. "You're supposed to attack anything non-American!"

The Georges fired another round of cannonballs. The first missed its target, but the second was going to hit the American Manly Man straight on. But he stood up in his seat, even though his car was still going at highway speed, and swatted the cannonball away with his arm.

"Ha! Try again!"

The ball deflected up into the air and hit the bald eagle in the tail feathers, injuring it badly and sending it falling from the sky.

"Baldy!" cried A.M.M. "**NOOOOOOOO!**"

Chris snickered. "Man, prepare for a bunch of angry letters and lawsuits! I should know… our case took two-and-a-half years to settle!"

For the third round of shots, A.M.M. decided to catch both of them. He then threw them back: one at one of the cannons and the other at one of the wheels. The wheel was destroyed instantly, and that lost wheel threw the balance off enough that the rear starboard side of the Number 6 fishtailed. The back end spun left, forcing the front end right. The bow just clipped the left rear quarter panel of the Number 7, sending it spinning the opposite direction. The Number 14 slammed right into one of Number 6's front wheel, setting off the airbag in his car.

The three vehicles melded together and slid down the highway until they eventually came to a stop. The other race cars, who were behind the lead group, saw the accident happening and all of them had enough time to slow down and come to a stop before they ended up being collected.

The occupants of the three wrecked cars all escaped the remnants of their vehicles. None of them were seriously injured, though all of them were none too pleased that their race was most certainly over.

"Who taught you how to drive?" questioned Chris, angrily.

King George answered Chris' query. "This wouldn't have happened if you had just given us back what rightfully belongs to our Queen!"

"I have no idea what you redcoats are talking about!"

"And, you, American Manly Man!" growled the king. "No one told your commoner self to get involved in British affairs!"

"It's my duty to get involved, King George, as an American citizen!"

The three teams argued that they were in the right.

_[Looks like we've got a war brewing in Wisconsin! Get it? War? Wisconsin? Brewing? Ha! I crack myself up!]_

Meanwhile, the Double Zero raced by the scene and took over the lead. How did he do it? By driving the wrong way on the interstate!

"While those losers are being slap-happy," commented Ice King, "I'll gladly take the lead! And now that I'm ahead, I can put in motion my plan to eliminate the other racers! Gunter, hand me that brochure!"

"Wenk!" squeaked Gunter, handing Ice King a Wisconsin Dells travel brochure.

"Ah, yes! Excellent!"

* * *

_[Hmmm… I wonder what the Ice King is up to!]_

Some time later, Ice King was seen parking his racing vehicle off to the side of the road and covering it with some bushes, which he froze into place himself. He then ran back to the road, where Gunter was waiting next to an ATV and a detour sign. Seeing his boss heading his way, Gunter slid over to the passenger side so that the Ice King could get behind the wheel.

"Looks like the detour sign's up and the ATV's full of gas! Good work, Gunter!"

"Wenk!" Gunter chirped in appreciation.

"Now, time for disguises!"

Ice King ran into a nearby parking lot and ran back out in a flash, having replaced his royal blue robe for a white toga.

"How do I look?"

Gunter took one look at the Ice King… and broke out in hysterical laughter.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

"Oh, what do you know, Gunter?"

Ice King sat back in the ATV just in time, for the racers were beginning to arrive on the scene. A pack of five cars – the Muskrat 5000, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, the MAD Mobile, the Triskaidekaphobiawagon, and the Candy Corn Carriage – slowed to a stop upon reaching the start of the detour. Rigby reached over to the steering wheel and started honking the horn.

"Get out of the road, old dude!" shouted Rigby.

"You can't continue down this way!" the Ice King told them. "Water main break! Yeah, that's it! Water main break! Road's impassible!"

Mordecai and Rigby looked at each other. The blue jay sighed.

"Guess we've got no choice. Gotta go back to the interstate and go around the town the long way."

"Why do that, friend?" questioned Ice King. "Especially since you can follow this detour, which will cut around the obstruction without requiring backtracking."

Mordecai rubbed his chin, thinking about it.

"I don't know."

Rigby suddenly gasped, as he had seen a sign that made him ecstatic.

"Wait, this is the entrance to Mount Olympus! That gigantic amusement park that was in the brochure!"

"Whoa, really?"

"Uh huh. And this guy must be the guy who runs the place! Olympus!"

Ice King corrected him. "It's Zeus."

"Olympus, Zeus, whatever, dude. Let's go!"

With that, Mordecai made a right turn and drove the Muskrat 5000 into the park entrance, following 'Zeus,' who was leading the way with the ATV. Without hesitation, the other four cars followed.

"Suckers," 'Zeus' said under his breath, snickering.

_[Oh, that sneaky Ice King, leading the Wacky Racers into arguably the world's greatest waterpark complex! They won't be able to resist the rides!]_

He drove them through the parking lot and to the maintenance gate, which he had opened beforehand. He pulled off and directed the racers to continue on, which they did.

"Whoa, look at this place!" exclaimed Mordecai, as he pointed out some of the attractions.

The Trojan Flying Squirrel stopped not too far in, finding something that caught their interest. It was a go-kart track that went in and out of a giant Trojan horse.

"Look at it, Fawna!" Andy exclaimed. "We should ask if they can build one of those for us back home!"

Fawna nodded in agreement.

Eventually, the cars would somehow find themselves on one of the park's other go-kart tracks. This particular one featured a couple multi-level helices and a short underwater tunnel.

"Woo!" squealed Princess Bubblegum as she drove through the tunnel.

"Meh," shrugged the Zodiac Triplets, obviously unimpressed.

They continued to make their way westward through the park, forcing other parkgoers – all of whom were on foot – to move out of the way.

"Something's not right," Mordecai thought out loud.

"I concur with that assessment," Princess Bubblegum said, in line behind him.

The MAD Mobile took point for the group, as they were approaching Poseidon's Rage, the park's gigantic wave/surf pool. Alfred E. Neuman stuck his hand out his window and tapped the roof of his van. Suddenly, a hatch opened in the top of the van, and Korra rose out of it, with her feet strapped to the floor. Once the hatch was at its highest point, Korra sprang into action.

"Gonna need to get creative!"

Using her waterbending powers, she pulled a good chunk of the water out of the pool and then subsequently froze it, forming a high-banked 180-degree turn. Everyone in the park just stood there and watched in amazement as the five vehicles went into the turn. Korra worked to keep the water frozen enough to safely travel on, while the five drivers drifted their way around.

"Keep your speed up or you'll fall off!" shouted Princess Bubblegum.

Heeding the princess' words, all five vehicles emerged on the other side of the turn, still on their wheels. Korra snapped her fingers, allowing the water to unfreeze and safely rain down on the pool, filling it up without hurting any of the park patrons.

_[Looks like Avatar Korra made the best of a rare second appearance!]_

Korra breathed a sigh of relief as she was lowered back into the van. The MAD Mobile stayed in front of the five-pack as they drove back to the maintenance gate. On the other side, Ice King was contemplating going back to the parking lot entrance.

"Maybe we should go back and see if any other chumps show up."

His plans changed, though, when the MAD Mobile sped by, heading for the park exit. The other four cars that had gone in with it followed right behind, single-file.

"**WHAT? HOW?**"

The five race vehicles got back out to the main street. The detour sign that had been there upon their arrival had been removed since then.

"Looks like the road's back open!" declared Rigby, stating the obvious.

They all continued down the originally planned route. Ice King and Gunter emerged a few seconds later, and they parked their ATV next to the bushes where the Double Zero was parked.

"Quick, Gunter! Help me melt the ice!"

With both of them armed with a hammer and an ice pick, they began to chip away at the frozen bushes.

* * *

Further down the road, the leaders leave Wisconsin Dells and continue southward towards the finish line, in Bluffview.

_[We've seen all sorts of things this week, but the finish line is only a few miles away! And look, the crowd at the finish is at capacity!]_

Some of the local populace and tourists had actually pulled themselves away from the Dells to see the end of the race. Up the road, the camera zoomed in on the main field.

_[We started with twelve, but it looks like only half of them are racing for the podium… **WAIT!**]_

Half a mile back of the pack, three Wacky Racers were seen trying to run the leaders down.

_[There may be more players yet! Two of the fastest vehicles, the Formula Firebird and the Chick Magnet, are drafting off of each other and trying to run down the leaders! Looks like they've put aside their differences for the greater good. And they have a third with them, the Number 7 machine with Canadian reality starts Chris McLean and Chef Hatchet, apparently still running despite their earlier incident!]_

"I bet a grand on me winning this!" Chris exclaimed. "We've got to catch the leaders!"

"We'll get you back," shouted back Kevin, "but once we get to them, it's every man for themselves!"

Davey nodded in acknowledgement, deciding to let his action speak for him. Up ahead, the Double Zero, which was in sixth place and at the back of the lead group, could sense the approaching trio and decided that it was time to make his move.

"Time to go, go, go! Heh heh heh heh!"

He pushed the accelerator pedal all the way down to the floor mats, and the Absolute Chill started zooming past the competition.

_[The Double Zero is moving up. It's past the 13, the 5, the 3, the 2, and the 4! Ice King is leading with one mile to go! I can't believe it! The Ice King is going to win the Wacky Race!]_

"There's the finish line!" exclaimed Ice King, seeing the stands and the finish banner up ahead. "We're going to win, Gunter! **WIN!**"

Suddenly, when everything seemed right, it all went wrong. The engine completely quit on him. It only took seconds to learn why.

"Out of gas! **OUT OF GAS?**"

Ice King stopped on the shoulder and ran for the trunk to get the gas can. He opened the tank and started pouring. But nothing was coming out.

"Empty? **HOW?**"

Gunter started laughing.

"**GUNTER!** Did you use the spare gas can to fuel up the ATV?"

But he did not have to wait for the penguin to answer him because he had already concluded that he had.

"All I need is just a few drops to get to the finish!"

He shook the can furiously, trying to get anything to come out.

"Drat!"

And he could not help but curse again when the leaders raced by him.

"Double drat!"

_[And here they come to the finish!]_

The cars raced to and over the finish, going fast enough that the naked eye could not tell who crossed and it what order. They had to wait for the smoke to clear before officials could determine the finishing order.

The immediate conclusion was to order them based on where they stopped after the finish – an order that would later be verified on video replay.

_[And the winner of the Wisconsin Wacky Race is… Number 4, Andy Olaf and Fawna the Deer! Mordecai and Rigby in the Number 2 are second, while Alfred E. Neuman takes third!]_

* * *

Later that afternoon, the Wacky Racers had convened back at Mount Olympus for a post-race celebration.

_[After a hard day of racing, it would only be fitting that the racers get to be rewarded with a stress-free visit to Mount Olympus!]_

All of the racers, including the Georges and American Manly Man – who had been given a ride there by race officials and had called a truce in transit – and Mung Daal and his team – who were directed to the park by officials after learning that they were the only running car still not in – were present.

Andy Olaf and Fawna the Deer were seen celebrating with the large trophy. In addition to the trophy, Fawna was nibbling from a dish full of cranberries, while Andy had gotten a Wisconsin cheddar wheel. He had gotten an axe out from the trunk of his car, and several of the other racers were gathered around the table where the wheel had been placed.

"Okay! Who's ready to see me cut the cheese?"

Those in the area laughed at the joke.

* * *

_[Well, if there's anything good about the Ice King missing the after party, it's that he doesn't get to hear any more bad jokes this week.]_

Ice King was seen trying to push his car down the road, hopefully to a gas station.

"Five million people in this state and not one wants to help me out? That's it! If I ever decide to take over this world, Wisconsin's first to go!"

He grunted and groaned as he continued to push, while Gunter sat comfortably in the passenger seat, laughing all the way home.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

**** End Episode Two ****


	5. Beach, It's the Coast, Beach!, Part 1

**The New Wacky Races  
Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

So, after a week off, we're back with a new episode! Heading to the western part of the country once again, but this time down southwest to an all-California Wacky Race! This episode ended up a little shorter than usual, but that doesn't mean this race has a lack of drama! So sit back and see who gets to Victory Lane in this week's episode of **The New Wacky Races**.

**Disclaimer: **All original characters belong to me; all others are the property of their respective owners.

* * *

Fade in on... a busy highway filled bumper-to-bumper with cars, trucks, and RVs?

_[Today, the Wacky Racers may get off to a slow start. Traffic is at a standstill heading into the coastal city of Pismo Beach, California, and...]_

Suddenly, this week's field of Wacky Racers appeared, moving freely on the northbound side of the freeway, heading away from Pismo Beach.

_[Wait a minute! The racers are starting by heading **OUT** of Pismo Beach, not into it. Hmmm. Thankfully I noticed that, or our copter camera would've started heading the wrong way. But I wonder who's responsible for giving me this bit of misinformation?]_

Zoom in to one of the racers, whose driver was currently laughing maniacally. The number on the side of the race car? The Double Zero.

_[Oh. I should've known. **ICE KING!**]_

"Yes, you barnacle brain!" exclaimed Ice King, in an insulting tone. "It was I! I didn't want any cameras around when I start pulling tricks out of my bag!"

_[Well, good luck with that! You're in south-central California in the middle of summer! No ice to be seen for hundreds of miles!]_

"Who needs ice when there are plenty of other ways to trip up the competition? Isn't that right, Gunter?"

Gunter, sitting beside him in the passenger seat, snickered.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

The penguin pulled out a small cooler and opened it. He reached in and pulled out a live clam. The clam leaped from Gunter's flippers and onto Ice King's right ear, which it clamped down onto.

"**YOWCH!**"

Reacting to the clam bite, Ice King turned the steering wheel of his car hard right. The Double Zero slammed right into a roadside Emergency Call Box. The phone fell from the post and onto Ice King's lap, while the receiver had landed on the dashboard, next to Ice King's clamped ear.

"Like, 9-1-1 emergency," stated the female operator on the other end of the line. "Are you in, like, need of assistance?"

"No," replied Ice King, before turning towards his navigator, "but a certain penguin might!"

Sensing danger, Gunter hopped out of the seat, bounced off of Ice King's head, and onto the pavement. He started waddling on the highway shoulder, with the Ice King in hot pursuit as he attempted to remove the clam from his earlobe so he could chuck it at Gunter.

"Wenk!"

"Come back here, Gunter! I promise I won't hurt you! I just want to prove my new discovery! That clams love penguin meat!

_[Oh, boy. I'm sure we're going to be hearing from the ASPCA when this episode hits the air.]_

**-  
The New Wacky Races  
Episode 3: Beach, It's the Coast, Beach! (09.10.12)  
-**

_[This week's Wacky Race will guide the field almost exclusively along California State Route 1, known by most as the Pacific Coast Highway. It traverses the coastline, often incorporating winding roads, including many on cliffs and bluffs with steep drops off the oceanside of the road. It's the scenic route with a deadly twist.]_

A map delineated the race route, which as stated by the narrator, involved using CA-1 for nearly the entirety of the race course.

_[Today's route starts in Pismo Beach and will take the racers north, approximately 150 miles or so, to near Pebble Beach. The finish line itself is at the entrance to 17-Mile Drive just outside of Monterrey, with Pebble Beach itself located within the scenic tourist ring road.]_

A small crowd currently consisting of upper-class Pebble Beach residents were waiting at the finish, along with some tourists, whose numbers were sure to rise in a couple hours, closer to the racers' projected arrival time.

* * *

_[The winner will probably reach Pebble Beach in about two-and-a-half hours. But that's still a long while to weather. The field itself has made their way north from Pismo Beach and is currently entering the city limits of San Luis Obispo.]_

Eleven of the twelve cars in this week's field were seen jockeying for position on the two-lane freeway heading north.

_[And isn't it fitting that we have a pretty face leading the way into some of the prettiest scenery in the country, as Princess Bubblegum in the Number 5 paces the field!]_

"Oh, you're too sweet!" squealed Bubblegum, looking at the camera.

_[Kevin Levin, in Number 11, the Chick Magnet, is in second and seems in no rush to make a pass for the lead.]_

"Still early," Kevin explained himself. "Gotta pace myself."

_[Mung Daal and Shnitzel, in Number 94, the SCarGo, are in third, and it seems they've installed an in-car cauldron to use while on the road.]_

"How's that Siam Shower coming along?" Mung asked Shnitzel, who was stirring a mix of ingredients in the aforementioned pot.

"Radda? Radda radda radda!" exclaimed Shnitzel.

"No, I don't mean Clam Chowder! **BLECH!** This California sun has warped your brain, man! Why would you want a soup that Chowder's bathed in?"

Shnitzel snapped himself in the face, in disbelief that his boss would think such a thing. He went back to stirring the pot when, suddenly, one of the other racers came alongside...

_[Looks like one of this week's part-timers, Daffy Duck, is making a move...]_

Without provocation, Daffy turned his wheel hard right and slammed into the SCarGo's left side. The scalding hot contents of the cauldron splashed out and landed on Shnitzel's left cheek, shoulder, and arm...

"Ra-**DAAAAAAAAAAAA!**" he screamed in anguish.

...while Mung had lost control of the wheel, causing the Number 94 to start spinning.

"Truffles!" he shouted, calling for his currently absent wife. "Stop this crazy blender thing! I want off!"

_[The Number 1 makes a daring move for this early in the race! What on Earth could Daffy Duck be thinking?]_

The answer was nothing, apparently, as he got alongside the Number 11 machine and did the exact same thing to that car. Kevin was a much more experienced driver, so he was able to keep his vehicle from spinning. It came at the cost of speed, though, so he lost touch with Daffy before he could retaliate.

_[It looks like Daffy isn't here to make friends...]_

Daffy then sideswiped a third car, this time Princess Bubblegum's Number 5 machine. The hit turned into a nearby guardrail, and the impact with it would have been disastrous...

...if not for her car's built-in crash defense system. A pink gum bubble materialized around the Candy Corn Carriage a split-second prior to impact. It took the brunt of the hit and bounced off the rail. Bubblegum spun back into the travel lanes, but she managed to hit the brakes and get her car to a safe stop without hitting anything else.

A quick look back with Daffy saw that his vision was covered by the map he was glancing at. In fact, it seemed as if he did not even realize that he had hit the Number 5.

_[...or to have any respect for the rules of the road.]_

"Man, too many bumps for a highway, I say," he commented out loud.

Zoom out to take a better look at the Number 1 machine, dubbed the _Parade Float_, as it was a small pickup truck that was decorated to look like a parade float, completely with a giant black duck atop it.

"Now, let's see, should be a couple more exits 'til the turn-off..."

Daffy finally lowered the map, just in time to see another racer pull alongside him, in the slow lane.

_[Looks like a new challenger for the lead, as King George and the Georges have gotten up alongside the Number 1.]_

The Redcoat Special got ahead, then pulled in front of Daffy's car. The boat-shaped vehicle then started to slow down, in turn forcing Daffy to do the same. Upset, he started repeatedly pressing on the horn.

"**HEY!** Who taught you how to drive?" he bellowed, ironically.

Upon hearing Daffy's yelling, the Number 6 slammed on the brakes and skidded to a stop, again forcing the Number 1 to do the same. King George and his three soldiers, all dressed in 18th Century British military attire, disembarked from their machine and proceeded to surround Daffy's car.

"I decree that we will not be victims of road rage! Only the dishers out of it!"

The three Georges each drew their muskets and pointed it right at Daffy's head. They were about to pull the trigger when...

"**WAIT!** You can't shoot me! It's not duck season!"

"Holdeth!" declared King George. "He is right!"

The three Georges lowered their firearms in disappointment. Daffy breathed a sigh of relief, not noticing King George had pulled out a pocketwatch and was gazing upon it, paying close attention to the second hand. Once it reached the twelve...

"Okay, **NOW** it iseth duck season!"

Upon hearing that, the three Georges raised their muskets once more...

"Mother..." gasped Daffy.

...and they fired.

**BANG!**

Once the smoke had cleared, Daffy had survived three point-blank shots to the head, amazingly. His beak, though, had been blown clear off, landing in the bushes on the other side of the median guardrail. The British men climbed back into their car and left, while Daffy went to retrieve his beak.

"The nerve of some people..." he grumbled as he picked up his beak and reattached it to his face.

_[Well, as narrator and part-official, I'm supposed to be impartial to the racers. But, I have to say, he deserved that one...]_

* * *

_[...speaking of someone who actually deserves such open punishment...]_

Ice King and Gunter had managed to settle their dispute and had, since we last saw them, gotten back on the road. They had stopped next to a sign that read 'Camp San Luis Obispo' with an arrow pointing left. Ice King and Gunter were in the process of covering up the words with a wrap-around banner, which read 'Wacky Race Pit Stop.'

_[Really, Ice King? You've stooped to changing road signs?]_

"Why not? You know these dummies will follow any sign with the Wacky Races logo on it! Heh heh heh heh!"

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

They finished their work and then ran to top of a nearby hill. Lying flat on their stomachs, they watched as racers zoomed towards the sign. Six cars - Number 2, Number 5, Number 14, Number 4, Number 13, and Number 94 - all saw the sign and made the turn off the highway.

"It's working!" Ice King said with a smile.

The seventh racer to come by, though, was the Number 6. And King George had no intention of stopping.

"I, the King, decree the Redcoat Special immune from having to stop at any Wacky Race-sanctioned Pit Stops ifeth we do not needeth them!"

The Number 6 continued along CA-1, not making the turn.

"Drat!" cursed Ice King.

The eighth racer was Davey Edison Jr. in the Number 9. He was going so fast that not only did he not see the sign, but the accompanying wind left in his wake blew the banner off of the original sign. It ended up floating towards where the Ice King and Gunter were in the grass. But instead of landing on them, the banner instead landed on the power lines above the duo.

"Quick, Gunter! We have to put the sign back before any of the others get here!"

_[I wouldn't do that if I were you.]_

"Oh, foo!" waved off the Ice King, ignoring the narrator's warning.

He touched the banner strings and was immediately electrocuted.

"**YOWCH! GUNTER, HELP!**"

Gunter covered his eyes with his flippers, keeping the bright light the electricity shocking Ice King's body out. It faded when Ice King finally let go of the strings. His fried, frail old body writhed on the grass afterwards.

"Oh..." Ice King groaned in pain.

Gunter took one look at his master, and then pointed and laughed.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

Meanwhile, the six racers who had been diverted into Camp San Luis Obispo were about to learn that they had been duped. They had all stopped at the gate, which was guarded by two uniformed men.

"Excuse me?" Mordecai asked aloud. "Is this the Wacky Race Pit Stop? We're supposed to check in with an official or something?"

"Wacky Race?" responded one of the men there. "Never heard of it."

He turned towards his partner and he said the same thing.

"I think we been tricked!" thought Andy Olaf aloud.

"And there's only one trickster devious enough to pull it off," grumbled Princess Bubblegum. "Ice King!"

"He'll pay for it the next time we see him!" declared March Zodiac. "Right, sisters?"

April and May nodded, putting the triplets in agreement. All of the crews got back in their vehicles and drove back towards the camp exit. Back on the side of the highway, Ice King, aching in pain, was trying to crawl back to his vehicle. Suddenly, he heard the roar of race engines, and he looked up and saw the diverted cars turn back onto CA-1, one at a time.

"Drat, drat, and double drat!" shouted Ice King once the last of the group were back on course.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!" snickered Gunter.

"Y'know, Gunter, if I could move my leg right now, I'd kick you onto the road, right? I'm sure the locals wouldn't mind trying penguin pancakes!"

Gunter stopped laughing and started grumbling.

"Wenk wenk, wenk wenk."

* * *

_[Back to the race, where the leaders have reached the foot of the Santa Lucia Mountains. Literally, it's all up from here!_

_The lead pack currently consists of three cars. Davey Edison Jr. in the Number 9, Alfred E. Neuman in the Number 3, and Kevin Levin in the Number 11, leading the way.]_

Kevin began to hear his engine sputter. Not only because his superpowered engine was not designed for the steep inclines the racers were about to face, but also due to the fact that his low fuel light was on.

"Gotta find a place to fuel up," he told himself.

He came across an area which served as a small town's gas station, motel, cafe, and market all-in-one. Kevin pulled off the road and stopped in front of one of the four fuel pumps. As he got out, the two race cars that were with him did the same, since they also needed to gas up.

"No need, my friend!" said the attendant, running up to the pumps. "Allow me!"

"Full service, huh?" Kevin smiled. "I like it!"

Kevin hopped in his car and let the man go to work. Once the attendant had started fueling Kevin's hot rod, he did the same for Davey and Alfred.

"You're running for President?" the attendant asked upon seeing Alfred's bumper sticker. "What party?"

Alfred handed the man his card. 'Alfred E. Neuman, MAD Party,' it read.

While all this was happening, a fourth racer, Daffy Duck, pulled into the station. The Looney Tune pulled up and got off of his vehicle. He flipped a penny towards the attendant.

"Give it the works, my man!"

As Daffy walked to the deli to get something to eat, Kevin saw him walk away in his rearview mirror.

"Oh, he's gonna pay for what he did."

Kevin opened his door and was about to go after Daffy to exact some revenge for what he had did earlier, but he was cut off by the attendant, who just finished filling the tank.

"All filled up, sir! How will you be paying, sir?"

Kevin forgot about Daffy and reached for his wallet while simultaneously looking at the pump to see how much it had cost him.

He nearly had a heart attack.

"**70 DOLLARS?** C'mon, that's a ripoff!"

Hearing Kevin's griping, both Davey and Alfred looked at the current numbers on their pumps. Both of their totals were also near that mark, and still climbing.

"It's a ways 'til the next station," the attendant told Kevin. "Trust me, you wouldn't have made it there without stopping here."

Kevin was still displeased, but he had no choice. He pulled out a hundred dollar bill and handed it to the attendant.

"I want my change back! And I will count every cent, you hear me!"

"How much are you charging a gallon?" asked Davey as the attendant came to him.

"For premium, $5.89."

"My word! Well, that's still nearly a buck cheaper than my private gasoline supplier!"

Davey's final total to fill his tank completely was around $82. Alfred E. Neuman's van had racked up a bill of $88. But he had a way of getting out of it. He snapped his fingers, signaling for two special celebrities to hop out of the back of the van.

_[Looks like Mr. Neuman's trying to negotiate a deal by sending out Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, this week's MAD celebrity guest stars!]_

"Oh my God!" gasped the attendant. "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!"

"We'll give anything to get you to give us a discount!" exclaimed Angelina.

"Free eight-by-ten glossy autographed photo of yours truly," offered Brad.

"Free eleven-by-seventeen laminated _Mr. & Mrs. Smith_ movie poster," countered Angelina. "My signature's bigger!"

"Every movie I've ever been in and is currently available on Blu-Ray!"

"Every movie **I'VE** ever been in and is currently available on Blu-Ray!"

"Ten percent cut from the gross of all of my films for the next three years!"

"Oh, yeah? How about a night out with me, no restrictions!"

"Better yet, how about a night out with me, no restrictions!"

"How about you adopt one of my kids? The ones I adopted and saved from starving third-world countries?"

"Well, how about one of the kids I actually fathered, myself! They ought to be of more value!"

Angelina and Brad turned to each other, appalled at what the other was offering.

"Wait, are you serious? You're giving away one of our own kids?"

"Well, you were going to give away one of ours, too!"

"**I HATE YOU!**"

"**I LOVE YOU!**"

The two embraced, their lips locked as they fell to the ground and started rolling around, making passionate, still-clothed, love.

"Um..." the attendant spoke up, not sure what to do.

Suddenly, Kevin, Davey, and Alfred looked up, hearing race engines. The rest of the field had caught up to them and they were passing by the station.

"Forget the discount, it's time to go!" declared Kevin.

Kevin and Davey restarted their cars and went off after the pack. Alfred did too, after deciding to pay full price after all and leaving the power couple behind. Once the cars were out of sight, Daffy emerged from the deli with a plastic-wrapped egg salad sandwich in his beak. He walked back to the car just in time for the attendant to come out of his stupor and notice that the Number 1's tank was full.

"That'll be $75," the attendant told Daffy.

Daffy was stunned upon hearing the price. He searched his pockets for money, but unfortunately, found very little in them. He then handed over the sandwich he had just bought.

"Okay... that'll be $72.50... actually, $73."

He was going to offer full price, but then he saw Daffy's teeth mark indentations through the plastic.

"**WHAT?** It only touched plastic!"

The attendant reached into the car and removed Daffy's keys from the ignition, which he had stupidly left in.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Daffy was in uniform, serving as assistant gas attendant. A family of tourists had stopped to fuel up, and his job was to tell them how much it was going to cost them.

"It's $5.89 a gallon, bub."

The father reacted by slapping Daffy's beak clear off his face. As he went to pick it up, he trotted past Brad and Angelina, who were still making out. He reattached his beak to his face and then turned to face the attendant, who had a smug smile on his face. Daffy had only one thing to say about it.

"You're despicable."

The attendant pointed to another car that was arriving at the station, so Daffy went to do his new job.

_[How long will it take Daffy Duck to get enough money to pay off his gasoline tab? And will he do it in time to rejoin the Wacky Race? Find out in Part 2, right after this short break!]_


	6. Beach, It's the Coast, Beach!, Part 2

_[We're back on the Wacky Races, but we temporarily don't have air coverage of the field. That's because they're currently passing through Los Padres National Forest. For the time being, we'll be relying on our motorcycle cameras.]_

A look in on the field along CA-1 showed the racers lined-up single-file as they proceeded through the winding, tree-lined road.

_[Before we check in on the leaders, let's take a quick look at one car that seems to be losing touch with the pack.]_

Said car is the Number 4, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, which suddenly put on its blinkers and pulled off onto the small shoulder. Andy Olaf let the two cars behind them go by before pressing a button on his dashboard.

_[Say, what's going on, Andy?]_

The rear cargo door, located in the tail, lowered down to the ground. Soon after, Fawna the Deer came sprinting out. She ran into the forest.

"What else? Nature calls!"

* * *

After the restroom break, the Number 4 got on track and quickly rejoined the pack. Just in time, too...

_[We're back to full coverage as the racers emerge from the forest and are once more running alongside the coastline. But now the road elevation heads back up after going through a valley, and shoulders are mostly non-existent, with the cliff drop-offs steep!_

_With very few passing zones, if any at all, it seems as if the Zodiac Triplets, who lead in the Number 13, are looking pretty good.]_

"Looking pretty good?" asked March. "That's not good."

"Performing above expectations so goes against my principles," grumbled April.

"But don't we **WANT** to win?" questioned May.

March and April glared at their youngest sibling.

"You sure you weren't adopted?"

_[The Big Sur region of the Pacific Coast Highway is well-known for its scenic overlooks, and usually the pull-off areas here would be full of tourists looking for great photo ops. But for safety reasons, these areas are empty for today's race._

_Well, they're supposed to be empty. There's a woman in a wedding dress in one of the turnouts. Wait, a wedding dress? Perhaps a newlywed?_

_Wait... is that even a woman?]_

It was actually a balloon tied up and twisted into the shape of a woman that had a wedding dress. Nearby, on that same turnout area, was a rock. A small wall carved into the shape of an actual rock. And behind it? Ice King and Gunter, with them both holding onto a string that was tied around the balloon woman's waist.

They were not only attempting to stay out of sight, but were also trying to keep their so-called trap from being blown away by the wind gusts that resulted from the sea breezes and the high-degree rock walls on the opposite shoulder of the wall that bounced them back.

"Stay focused, Gunter!" ordered Ice King. "We don't want to lose it!"

_[Oh, now you're stealing gags from other cartoons?]_

"We're all on the same network, fool!"

Gunter quickly interrupted. "Wenk, wenk!"

He had good reason to, as the Triskaidekaphobiawagon had come into sight.

"It's showtime, Gunter!"

The Number 13 made its way up the winding, cliffside road. Perhaps even a bit too recklessly, as March fought the steering wheel, doing just enough to keep the hearst from spinning off the road and falling down into the cold waters of the Pacific Ocean.

"Look!" shouted May, seeing the 'woman' on the side of the road. "A bride-to-be who wants to end her life to avoid marrying someone she doesn't like!"

"Yeah," said April, nodding in agreement. "We should really, **REALLY** do something."

March pulled into the turnout and stopped the car. But instead of any of the triplets getting out to try and talk the woman out of jumping, they instead just sat there and waited.

"Do we still have those pre-made boxes of popcorn?" March asked his sisters.

The Ice King, of course, was not pleased that the triplets were just sitting there and eating popcorn.

"Well, at least they've stopped. Still, c'mon!"

The next two race cars on the road arrived. They, too, stopped.

"Why we stoppin' for that crazy chick?" questioned Rigby.

"Dude," Mordecai thought aloud. "I think she's gonna jump."

"And I should care **WHY**?"

Mordecai answered his friend's question by punching him in the shoulder.

"**OW!**"

"That woman needs help!" shouted The American Manly Man.

Once he saw A.M.M. approach the trap, the Ice King began phase two of his plan. He started throwing his voice, giving it a feminine tone.

"Stop right there!" the 'woman' barked. "I'll jump if you get any closer!"

"Calm down, ma'am," A.M.M. said in response, stopping in his tracks. "You don't want to do this! It's non-American!"

As he attempted to persuade the woman to reconsider jumping, the other racers started to arrive on the scene. One by one they stopped, blocking the narrow two-way road and keeping anyone from getting through. Soon enough, almost the entire field was there, and the Ice King's plan was almost complete.

"Good," Ice King said, seeing that everyone that had stopped was out of their vehicles. "Time to make our escape, Gunter! Go start the car!"

Gunter let go of the string and sprinted back to the Double Zero. Ice King turned back to his ruse, ready to bring it to a successful end.

"Going to the great Glob in the sky is not the answer!" pleaded Princess Bubblegum.

"Yeah," agreed Andy. "There may be other fish in the sea, but that don't mean jump in the ocean to find those other fish, 'cause... they're fish! And people eat fish!"

"We all know you're not gonna jump," argued Mung Daal, "'cause if you were, woman, you would've done it already!"

"Can we wrap this up already?" grumbled Rigby, who had bought a box of popcorn from the Zodiac Triplets. "I'm almost empty!"

Again, Ice King spoke in his best female voice.

"I still may or may not jump! Don't you dare get any closer!"

Ice King and Gunter both snickered, still out of sight behind their fake rock. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind picked the balloon woman off of the ground and sent it hovering over the edge of the cliff.

"**SHE'S JUMPING!**" Davey yelled.

The American Manly Man leaped into action, bolting for the edge of the cliffside. The superhero jumped into the air and used his strength to push the woman back to safety. Unfortunately, he swatted the wrong way and instead knocked it out to sea. Before he knew it, Ice King was yanked out from his hiding place and over the side as well.

"**YIKES!**"

Not wanting to float out further into sea, Ice King let go of the string. What he had forgotten about, though, was that he was about six stories above the ocean.

"**ARGHHHHHHH!**"

He hit the water with a giant splash, grabbing the attention of the other racers.

"The Ice King?" questioned Kevin.

"Radda radda radda!" exclaimed Shnitzel.

"Yeah," agreed Mung. "Darn cheater was at it again!"

As everyone headed back to their vehicles, the American Manly Man felt sympathy for the icy villain. So he floated out to help him.

"Here."

He tossed Ice King a life preserver, which he quickly grabbed onto. A.M.M. saluted, then flew back to the road.

"Hey! Aren't heroes supposed to rescue everyone, good **AND** bad?"

A.M.M. stopped briefly to turn around and return a response.

"Nobody's perfect."

He then resumed his flight, hearing the motorcade of racers start up their engines. Up on the road, Gunter, in the driver's seat of the Absolute Chill, turned his head around and saw the cars start passing by, one at a time. The penguin then looked out to sea and saw his master waving his arms to and fro, trying to get his attention.

"**GUNTER! HELP ME, YOU STUPID PENGUIN!**"

Gunter saw his master flailing about, and chuckled.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

* * *

_[As the racers cross over the famed Bixby Creek Bridge, it seems one team is taking the route less traveled. And by that, we mean they're bypassing the scenic road by sailing in the ocean.]_

Half of a mile out to sea, the Redcoat Special, which is half-boat, was easily sailing along on a fairly straight route.

"I say, gentlemen," King George said to his men, "By sea is truly the way to go!"

* * *

_[Not to be outdone, Andy Olaf and Fawna the Deer are showing some ingenuity of their own, as the Trojan Flying Squirrel lives up to its name by going airborne!]_

The Number Four was flying above the ocean, occasionally passing over the road as it jutted in and out of the cliffside.

"Who says us loggers don't know how to think?" questioned Andy aloud.

Although the large helicopter propeller sticking out of the top of the vehicle's head was doing its job, that did not make flying any easier for Fawna, who was shaking in uncomfortable terror.

"Oh, don't fret none, Fawna! Gee, I didn't know you deer could be so 'fraid of heights!"

* * *

_[Whether the Wacky Racers are traveling by land, sea, or air, they'll all be back on the same track once they reach the town of Carmel-by-the-Sea, only a couple minutes away from this week's finish line.]_

The Number 6 machine came ashore at Carmel Beach City Park, its wheels treading out of the ocean and onto the sand. Meanwhile, the Number 4 car was looking for a safe place to touch down, and found one in the parking lot of the local high school. As for the pack, they had descended from the cliffs and into the town. Leading the way there was the Number 13.

_[Looks like the leaders are converging upon Route 1 in downtown Carmel-by-the-Sea. They better be careful they don't run into each other upon merging!]_

But none of the three racers heeded the narrator's warning. They all reached the town's main intersection simultaneously, and by the time they all saw each other, there was no time to avoid a collision.

**CRASH! BOOM! KA-POW!**

The occupants of all three vehicles emerged from the accident scene. They were all seen beginning to curse at each other, blaming anyone but themselves for the accident. The damage was minimal enough that no one was seriously hurt, but big enough that, with the finish just a couple miles away, there was not enough time to separate and get back on the road. That was made evident as the rest of the field slowly drove around the accident scene and continued on.

"Meh heh heh," chuckled Ice King, who sprinted up onto the accident scene from along the road the Redcoat Special had come up from the beach. "I'm still in this!"

_[Oh no! Looks the Ice King stowed away on the Redcoat Special, and he's still in the race!]_

He looked up the road, seeing Gunter driving the Double Zero up to the scene.

"Gunter!"

Gunter stepped on the brakes, stopping right in front of the Ice King.

"Move over!"

Gunter complied, letting his master back behind the wheel. Ice King stepped on the gas, sticking his tongue out at the disgruntled racers.

"So long, suckers!"

The Zodiac Triplets, though, still had revenge on their mind after falling victim to the Ice King's tricks earlier in the race.

"Power of the ox," they chanted in unison, "embed the Ice King with the lack of self-control!"

A brown aura wrapped around the Double Zero for a few seconds. Once it faded, King George was expecting to see something happen.

But nothing do.

"I say, you dark heathens are letting that dastardly rapscallion get away!" he exclaimed.

"Give it time," the trio said simultaneously.

* * *

_[Speeds have picked up as the two-lane road has become a four-lane freeway. This is the racers' last chance to move up before the homestretch!]_

Eight cars were still in the running in the final miles, and with there having been few passing opportunities to this point, the remaining contenders did whatever they felt necessary to get to the front and stay there.

_[Number 14, Old Glory, is in the lead. No, wait...]_

Davey Edison Jr., in the Number 9 racer, drafted up behind American Manly Man, then got around to the left without hesitation.

_[...now it's Number 9, the Formula Firebird, slingshotting up to the front!]_

That would not last long, as Shnitzel was using a fireplace bellow to give an extra air push to the Number 94 machine.

_[And now Number 94 uses some hot air to push up to first place.]_

Princess Bubblegum was also going to make a run for the lead. At some point, she had put on a lab coat and goggles and was mixing together a concoction, which she was now funneling into the fuel tank through a connecting tube that started on the dashboard. It took a few seconds to reach the tank, but once it did, the mixture reacted immediately, giving her fuel a little kick.

A kick big enough to pass by the cars in front of her, wearing off just as she had pulled in front of the Number 94.

_[And Princess Bubblegum shows that her smarts match her beauty, as her formula for success now has her car, Number 5, in the lead!]_

At this point, race fans had started to appear to the racers' left; their cars stopped along the southbound lanes of the freeway.

_[One last obstacle for the racers to conquer, up a mile ahead... the ramp off of the freeway, onto CA-68, and shortly thereafter, the finish line! Can Princess Bubblegum hang on?]_

"You bet your sweetcakes I will!" exclaimed Bubblegum.

A few positions back in the pack, though, Ice King was looking to spoil the princess' trip to victory lane.

"If she thinks I'm gonna let her win..."

He pressed a button on the dashboard that read 'Squeeze Play.' In an instant, the Double Zero shrunk in width to a mere five inches.

_[**WHOA!** What's the Ice King up to now?]_

The Ice King went in-between the MAD Mobile and Old Glory, squeezing through without any problem. Staying in that mode, the Absolute Chill then did the same thing, slithering its way past the SCarGo and the Formula Firebird.

_[No way! The Ice King is now in second place, and closing in on the princess!]_

The Double Zero expanded by to its normal size. Ice King then took aim at Princess Bubblegum, wanting to do more than just pass her. He started shooting ice bolts at the Candy Corn Carriage. Bubblegum dodged one, then a second, and even a third. She stuck her head out of her window and started shaking her fist at the Ice King.

"Fight fair, you old fart!"

To that, he responded. "Marry me!"

"**IN YOUR DREAMS!**"

"Suit yourself!"

Ice King resumed his bombardment of Princess Bubblegum's vehicle with ice bolts. She continued to dodge, but with the exit ramp coming up soon, she had to get him off her tail if she wanted to win the race.

"Oh, son of a..."

She had a hint of disappointment in her tone, knowing she had no choice. She slammed on the brakes, just long enough to let the Ice King fly past her and into the lead.

"She sure is a crafty one, eh, Gunter?"

Gunter nodded.

"Still, I'm in the lead! **I'M GONNA WIN!** Only a quarter-mile to go!"

The deceleration lane onto the ramp began and Ice King tried to turn onto it. There was one problem. The steering wheel would not budge.

"What the... what's going on?"

The brown aura that had surrounded his car for a few seconds a couple minutes ago had returned. This time, the energy formed into the shape of an ox.

"Moooo!" it grunted.

The ox wanted to keep going straight instead of turning, and thusly, with his spirit embedded within the car, the Double Zero was being forced to do the same.

"**NO!** You stubborn ox! Turn right! **RIGHT! RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTT!**"

_[And there goes the Double Zero, missing the exit to the finish line! What a tough break for him!]_

"Turn around! **TURN AROUND! GUNTER, DO SOMETHING!**"

Seeing his master fight with a non-moving steering wheel, Gunter shrugged his shoulders.

And laughed.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk."

Meanwhile, the other racers made it to the off-ramp and slowly followed it around. Coming out the other side, only 2000 feet stood between them and the finish.

_[And the crowd cheers at the finish line, just before the gates leading to 17-Mile Drive and the Pebble Beach community! And here come the racers!]_

Four cars were seen barreling to the line. But in the end...

_[And the winner is... Number 5, Princess Bubblegum in the Candy Corn Carriage!]_

Right behind her, the second-place car beats the third-place one to the line by a nose.

_[Taking second is Number 9, Davey Edison Jr. in the Formula Firebird, just beating out Number 94, Mung Daal and Shnitzel in the SCarGo, for third! The other cars in the main field stream in right behind them.]_

After the 9 and the 94 cross the line, the 14, the 3, the 2, and the 11 all followed, one after the other.

* * *

Half an hour later, the podium had been set up, and the trophies had all been handed out. After receiving hers, Princess Bubblegum wanted to give a victory speech.

_[Looks like today's winner, Princess Bubblegum, has a few words!]_

Both spectators and fellow racers fell silent so that the monarch could speak.

"Thank you all for your support! I wouldn't have won this Wacky Race without you! There's only one way I can think of to show my appreciation."

She took a deep breath and then said, boisterously.

"**PARTY IN MONTERREY! ALL ON ME!**"

"**WOOOOOOOO!**" screamed the crowd.

Bubblegum got three cheers from everyone as she headed for her car, wanting the lead the way to nearby Monterrey herself. Along the way there, she passed the Georges, Andy and Fawna, and the Zodiac Triplets, all who had managed to nurse their damaged vehicles to the finish under their own power.

But as the party prepared to hit the road, the Ice King and Gunter were coming up to the finish line in the Double Zero. And by the mood and the gaggle of people around Princess Bubblegum, he became even more distraught upon figuring out she had won.

"Bubblegum won? Oh, come on, that's not fair!"

He drove towards the finish, planning to protest the results. Suddenly, though, the Double Zero skidded to a stop, coming to a halt just mere feet from the finish.

"Huh? What gives?"

He then noticed that the car was yet again surrounded by the brown ox spirit. This time, though, it was being stubborn by not moving at all.

"**DRAT!** You stubborn ox!"

Suddenly, behind him, Daffy Duck in the Number 1 appeared from off the freeway. He was making a sprint for the line.

"**THE DUCK!** Quick, Gunter! Get out and push!"

Ice King and Gunter hopped out of the Double Zero, got behind it, and tried to push it over the finish. But the ox spirit would not let the car budge. Eventually, even travelling at the slow speed of 30 miles per hour, Daffy Duck guided his car around the Ice King's and crossed the line.

The Parade Float then completely broke down, with all four wheels falling off in unison the instant the car's back bumper was on the other side of the finish line.

"What'd I win?" Daffy asked, coming out of the car.

A race official came up and handed him a peach 'Not Quite Last Place' ribbon.

"I'm not last? **I'M NOT LAST! WOO HOO, WOO WOO, WOO-HOO!**"

Daffy started dancing wackily around as if he had won the race. Meanwhile, Ice King and Gunter gave up on pushing just as the ox spirit faded away for third and final time.

"Last again? Drat, drat, drat, **DRATTTTTTTTTTT!**"

As Ice King sat on the ground and threw a temper tantrum, pounding his fists down on the road underneath him. Gunter could only help but do what he always did after a bad day at the Wacky Races.

He mocked his master.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

**** End Episode Three ****


	7. The Turnpike Tolls for Thee, Part 1

**The New Wacky Races  
Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

So, apologies for the extra week off. Nevertheless, it's time for another Wacky Race! It's our furthest race east this season, but it's also the longest in terms of distance! Will the Ice King finally win this week? Read on and see!

**Disclaimer: **All original characters belong to me; all others are the property of their respective owners.

* * *

Fade in on this week's racers, traveling west along the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

_[We've got a special treat for you this week, Wacky Race fans! Today, the Wacky Racers are traveling west on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh! It is also the longest race of the season. Clocking in at approximately 270 miles, it promises to test the racers' patience, gas tanks, and wallets, as the famed Turnpike is a toll road!]_

Zoom in on the leaders at the head of the 12-car pack, starting with...

_[Andy Olaf and Fawna Deer in Number 4, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, are in first place. Kevin Levin, in the Chick Magnet, is right behind them in second. He's followed closely by Mung Daal and Shnitzel in the SCarGo.]_

"We need to go faster!" Mung screamed.

Shnitzel picked up a small mahogany box, partially open to reveal that it was filled with silver sporks. Mung spun his head around just in time to see his assistant throw them out of the car.

"**SHNITZEL!** For crying out loud, not the good silverware! Why don't you throw out those instead?"

Mung pointed at a pile of seven-inch circular rocks at Shnitzel's feet.

"**WHAT?** Oh, **RADDA RADDA RADDA!**"

"What do you mean those are your pet rocks? What are you, seven?"

_[Davey Edison Jr., in the Number 9, is in fourth...]_

Suddenly, steam started pouring out from the hood of the Formula Firebird.

_[Uh oh! Trouble for the Number 9!]_

Steam and smoke began to fill the air, fogging up the road and making it hard to see behind him.

**-  
The New Wacky Races  
Episode 4: The Turnpike Tolls for Thee (09.24.12)  
-**

The rest of the field behind the Formula Firebird had no choice but to deal with the fog and steam obscuring their vision.

_[Looks like Mordecai and Rigby, in the Muskrat 5000, are getting the full brunt of this elemental hurdle!]_

Mordecai and Rigby were heard coughing after inhaling the smoke.

"AH!" screamed Mordecai. "I can't see!"

"This is jank, man!" grumbled Rigby, waving his arms around in an attempt to clear the air.

Right behind the blue jay and the raccoon were a pair of Eastern European fraternal twins, and they were not going to complain about their lack of vision. They were going to do something about it!

"Are you veady to do ze something, Slim?"

"Vhy don't you just do eet, Slom?"

Slom glanced down at the bunch of toggle switches in front of him and flipped the one labeled with the letter 'V.' A vacuum hose popped out of the back of their car.

_[Slim and Slom Pickings, in Number 8, the Appalachian Aircar, using Vacuum Suction Power!]_

The twins' vacuum cleared the air in just mere seconds, making visibility on the turnpike crystal clear once more. The hose lowered itself back into the trunk, and the two brothers high-fived each other, proud of their effort.

_[Number 12, the Watterson Special, is chugging along at a comfortable pace. Which actually seems kind of odd...]_

A closer look revealed that Nicole Watterson, who normally drove for the family, was in the passenger seat, fast asleep. Her husband, Richard, was driving today's race.

"Don't worry, kids," Richard told his family. "We'll get there, just you watch! Vroom, vroom, yeah!"

Siblings Gumball and Anais looked at each other. The younger of the two voiced what everyone reading was most likely thinking.

"Well, we're not placing in the Top 3 today."

_[Right behind them is Number 13, the Triskaidekaphobiawagon. Will they march through the field to win today's race?]_

The triplets all turned to the screen to give the narrator their answer.

"Don't bet on it!"

_[Well, we know the driver of the Candy Corn Carriage, Princess Bubblegum, definitely is looking for a trophy to add to her growing collection.]_

A look into the cabin, though, showed that it was empty. But the auto-pilot light on the dashboard was on, signifying that the vehicle was being controlled.

_[Um... Princess Bubblegum?]_

The camera turned toward the back seat. There, sprawled out over its length, was the princess, snoozing happily with a mask covering her eyes.

"Oh, Peppermint Butler," she groaned in her sleep. "Fetch the royal mail."

_[Well, that makes two women in the field coming off sleepless nights, apparently..._

_Next in line is Number 3, the MAD Mobile!]_

Alfred E. Neuman honked the horn and then pointed to the two dozen bumper stickers that had been pasted to the driver's side of the van between the window and the rear wheels. All of the stickers, naturally, were advertising his campaign for President.

_[And we should take this time to remind you to vote for Alfred E. Neuman as your next President of the United States! Alfred E. Neuman! He know the 1% toots as many times a day as the 99% does. Can't we all just get along?]_

Alfred honked the horn once more to get the narrator's attention. The camera turned back just in time to see Alfred slap a cue card to the outside of the door panel, just below the window.

It read '_I'm Alfred E. Neuman and I approved this message._'

_[Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, or, rather, two car lengths behind, is Number 6, the Redcoat Special, piloted by King George and assisted by his loyal subjects George, George, and George!]_

"I say," King George spouted, "pick up the pace, or it's the stocks for the lot of ye!"

"Yes, sir!" replied the Georges simultaneously.

The Georges scrambled about the deck, trying to find ways to make the half-car, half-ship go faster.

_[And, last, but certainly not least, is the Ice King in the Double Zero, the Absolute Chill. Off to a slow start this morning, Ice King?]_

"That's what you think, boy!"

Ice King pulled out a walkie talkie and pressed the talk button to communicate with whomever was on the other end.

"Gunter! Come in, Gunter!"

* * *

Several miles up the road, a sign had been nailed over an already-existing one, advertising '_Free Food and Gas to Wacky Racers_.' A little further up the road, off on the next exit ramp, stood Gunter. He was next to a table. On top of it were brown paper bags with pre-packed lunches in them, while underneath were one-gallon portable gas tanks.

"Gunter! I know you can hear me, you dumb penguin!"

Gunter waddled over to the table and found the walkie talkie, which he had left hidden among the other bags.

"Wenk!" he exclaimed, finally picking it up.

"Is the quote-unquote service plaza up and ready?"

Gunter confirmed so with his trademark laugh.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk."

* * *

"Good! Standby! The leaders should be reaching you momentarily!"

With that, Ice King flung the walkie talkie in the back seat and laughed like a maniac as he continued on along the turnpike.

_[What a dastardly plot by the Ice King! He knows no one can resist free food and gas in today's economy!]_

* * *

And, sure enough, the racers fell for the trick. Number 4 led the way, as Andy slowed down at the so-called stop. He stuck his head out the window and took the free bag lunch and gallon of gasoline, even though it was Gunter giving the items to him, not even bothering to disguise himself.

"This is leaf-heavy, right?" Andy asked Gunter. "Fawna's on one of her vegetarian kicks again."

He then felt Fawna poke him in the back with her left front hoof.

"I'm asking him, Fawna, I'm asking!" he shouted back.

Quickly, the cars started lining up behind the Number 4 in single file fashion, waiting for their turn. The Number 11, the Number 94, the Number 2, the Number 8, the Number 12, and the Number 13 all stopped to take advantage of the free items. The Number 5 zoomed past the line and continued along the turnpike, skipping the stop altogether. But the 3 and 6 cars did join the line upon arriving.

Gunter picked up the pace and passed out the items as fast as he could. Almost all the cars were through and were continuing on the ramp. But at the other end, they were confused as they reached a toll booth.

"What's going on?" Andy asked. "There's not 'posed to be one of them there paying stations until Pittsburgh!"

"Something's not right about this," Kevin thought aloud.

"I knew something was rotten in Denmark!" grumbled Mung Daal. "There's always a catch with these things! They get you in with the free food and gas, and then, **BAM!** Two months' pay down the drain 'cause you made a payment on one of them dangblasted timeshares!"

With the cars up on the ramp and stuck at the toll booth, Ice King arrived to pick up Gunter.

"I just saw that so-called racing phenom a bit ways back, tending to his overheating engine!" Ice King told his partner. "We're in the lead!"

He was jubilant as he stepped on the gas pedal and sped off. That would not last very long, though, as just five minutes later, they caught up with the Candy Corn Carriage, still racing along on auto-pilot.

"**WHAT THE?** Princess Bubblegum! **GUNTER!**"

He turned towards the penguin, enraged to see a car, any car, in front of them. Especially the one belonging to the Candy Kingdom's leader.

"You were supposed to detour **ALL** of the cars!"

Gunter shrugged, then chuckled.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

Ice King slammed his fist down on Gunter's head, not pleased that he was making light of the situation. Gunter grumbled as he used his flipper to rub the bump that had just grown from the top of his head.

"Wenk wenk, wenk wenk wenk wenk."

Suddenly, a panel opened up in the back of the Number 5 machine. Candy cane spears launched from it, directly at the Double Zero!

"**YIKES!**"

Ice King gripped the steering wheel of his car tightly as he tried to avoid all of the sharp projectiles being fired at him.

"Man, Bubblegum's being feisty today! **AND I LIKE IT!**"

He dodged the candy canes left and right and was doing a fine job of avoiding them. But his luck had to run out eventually.

**POP!**

_[Wow! Right in the kisser!]_

A candy cane spear had hit the front of the car, going through the grill partially and going in deep enough to pierce the oil line.

"Well, that can't be good," Ice King said, seeing a trail of oil being left by his car through his rear-view mirror.

Eventually, Bubblegum had spent her ammunition, and the spear launcher stopped firing. Ice King pulled off to the side of the road just as the oil pressure gauge began sliding towards zero. Once stopped, he hopped out of the car and ran a few feet after the hastily speeding away Number 5 machine. He started shouting.

"Playing hard to get only makes me want you more, my little tart!"

* * *

Inside the Candy Corn Carriage, a second light on the dashboard was illuminated, right under the auto-pilot one. This one signified that the car's automated defense system had been activated. Having done its job, the light then turned off.

A quick glance to the back seat showed that Princess Bubblegum was still asleep.

* * *

Back with the Ice King, who had just pulled the lodged candy cane spear out of the grill of his car. He tossed it over his shoulder, but Gunter jumped out of the car and caught it before it hit the ground. The penguin then sat down on the shoulder of the road and started nibbling on what was left of the candy cane.

"Wenk wenk..."

As Ice King moved to begin assessing the damage to the oil line, the other racers started zooming past, having gotten back on the turnpike following their unexpected detour.

_[Well, well, looks like it didn't take long for the Ice King to get back where he belongs... at the back of the field.]_

"Aw, nuts!"

In frustration, Ice King kicked the front bumper of his car. That was a mistake, as afterwards, he was in extreme pain.

"**YOW!**"

He started hopping around on his good foot, clutching his injured, pounding foot with his hands. Gunter would usually take this time to laugh at his master's misfortune, but he was too busy joyfully sucking on his candy cane.

* * *

The racers continued westbound on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, heading up in altitude as they make their way to the outskirts of the state's capital city, Harrisburg.

_[Back at the front, the auto-piloted Candy Corn Carriage continues to lead the way. The big battle is for second place, just a couple miles behind. Kevin Levin has his pedal pushed to the floor, but he's being heavily hounded by Mordecai and Rigby.]_

"You call that a race car?" barked Rigby as the Number 2 pulled alongside the Number 11. "That muscle car's lacking a lot of muscle!"

"Better take that hunk-a-junk back to the garage, dude," Mordecai shouted, "'cause you're getting schooled!"

"**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**" the two yelled in tandem.

"Did you just insult my ride?" questioned Kevin, obviously displeased. "**NO ONE** disses the ride!"

Kevin turned his steering wheel hard left, slamming the Chick Magnet into the side of the Muskrat 5000.

"Dude, take it easy!" Mordecai shouted.

But Kevin did it again. The second time almost did the job, as the Number 2 machine went all squirrely and Mordecai had to scramble to keep the golf cart from spinning out.

"That'll teach ya!" Kevin bellowed, looking out the window.

But Mordecai and Rigby were not going to give up. They caught back up and once more were alongside Kevin's car.

"You'll have to do better than that!" said Rigby, smugly.

Kevin glanced down at the buttons on his dashboard. He thought about pushing the Immobilizer button, but instead went up two and pressed the button labeled The Blob. A small trebuchet rose from the trunk, and the projectile already positioned in it was a green blob of slush.

"**AH!**" screamed Rigby, pointing at it. "He's gonna slime us!"

Mordecai pressed hard on the gas, pulling the Number 2 machine ahead. Kevin waited until the two park workers had some distance on him before launching The Blob.

"Eat green slush!"

With that, Kevin activated the trebuchet, launching the green mess forward. It sprung forward, heading towards the Muskrat 5000.

"It's coming, Mordecai! **IT'S COMING!**"

"**I KNOW, I KNOW, QUIT HOUNDING ME!**"

It seemed as if it was going to hit them. Then, suddenly, from their perspective, they were relieved to start pulling away from it. In fact, the blob was coming down and hitting the road...

...just as Kevin Levin was passing under it.

The Chick Magnet became completely covered in the goop, and Kevin slammed on the brakes to bring the car to a stop.

_[Man! Talk about backfiring into a sticky situation!]_

Kevin emerged from the car, also covered from head-to-toe in the slimy substance.

"Not funny, man."

_[Well, sorry!]_

* * *

_[A little further back in the pack, it looks like the Ice King is trying to make up some ground, as he's on the road once more and up to more dirty schemes!]_

The Double Zero was coming up on the back of the Number 8 racer. Slom, hearing the roar of the Absolute Chill behind him, looked back for visual confirmation, and then tapped his brother on the shoulder to let him.

"Ve have company!"

"Is it zat dirty rascal, ze Ice King? Let him do 'is worse, brother!"

As if Ice King had heard Slim's taunt, he responded.

"Since you asked so nicely..."

Ice King pressed a button on his steering wheel, just above where the horn would be. Gunter, to his surprise, was ejected out of the passenger seat. He was flung forward, with a paint can in hand. He flew over and ahead of the Pickings twins. Once a good bit ahead, Gunter turned the paint can upside down, sending its contents falling to the road below.

Surprisingly, the paint all landed in a controlled fall, all landing within the travel lanes of the westbound turnpike. It was in the shape of a giant pothole.

"Zoes he zink ve vere vorn yesteryear?" questioned Slim.

Slom toggled the switch labeled 'S' on the dashboard. The Appalachian Aircar ran right into the puddle, sending paint flying everywhere. Except for onto the Number 8, that was, as an invisible shield had materialized, not only keeping the paint from hitting the car, but allowing it to slide off and back down to the road.

"Drat!" cursed Ice King. "I thought they'd stop!"

Ice King pressed on the gas, intending to speed right through the paint as well.

But he did not. Upon reaching the paint, instead of going through it, the car nosed straight down into an actual real pothole.

**CRASH!**

"What the? How? **GUNTERRRRRRR!**"

Gunter, having landed safely on the ground, ran back to see how his master was. He gazed down into the hole and saw that the Double Zero had landed in the bottom of the pit nose-first. As a result, everything in front of the windshield was completely smashed in, leaving the car looking even more inoperable than it had been after their first incident of the day.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk," chuckled Gunter, laughing at his master's misfortune.

_[Is this the end of the road for the Ice King? Even if he gets the Absolute Chill repaired, will he have time to catch up to the main field?]_

"You bet your sweet honky tonks, I will!" Ice King guaranteed.

_[Stay tuned for Part 2 of today's fantastic, projectile-filled Wacky Race!]_


	8. The Turnpike Tolls for Thee, Part 2

_[Before we rejoin this week's Wacky Race proper, the staff of Mung Daal Catering is doing a special fundraising sale at the Blue Mountain Service Plaza, located at mile marker 203, which is just short of the halfway point of today's race!]_

Mung Daal and Shnitzel were not involved, as they were in the race, but Truffles and Chowder were. Well, mostly Chowder, who was manning the table selling wares, while Truffles snoozed away on a nearby lawn chair, about 200 feet away.

"Burple Nurples!" shouted Chowder. "Get your Burple Nurples! All proceeds go to Broke Home Foundation! It benefits homes that are broke! Like mine!"

He saw cars and passersby walk past him in both directions, none of them stopping to try, much less get a smell, of Chowder's concoction.

It was time for a different approach.

"**BURPLE NURPLES! BURPLE NURPLES! BURPLE NURPLES! BURPLE NURPLES! BURPLE NURPLES BURPLE NURPLES BURPLE NURPLES BURPLE NURPLES...**"

Finally, someone came running up to Chowder's table.

"If I buy a few, will you stop screeching?"

Chowder thought about it for a minute.

"Mmmm... okay!"

The man pulled out his wallet.

"How much?"

"50 dollops!"

He paused for a minute.

"What, for half a dozen?"

To which Chowder joyfully replied, "Apiece!"

"That's madness!"

"No, it's not!"

"How 'bout 25 apiece?"

"60!"

"**WHAT?** Um, 30?"

"70!"

"Okay, fine, 40!"

"100!"

"100? Look, you weird rabbit, cat, cabbit or whatever you are! I'm only paying 50 apiece, and that's final!"

The man slammed 300 dollops on the table.

"Take it or leave it, kid!"

Chowder picked up the dollops, licked one of them - as if testing it to make sure it was not a counterfeit - and then handed over a six-pack of Burple Nurples, in a cardboard tray. The man started walking away...

"**WAITTTTTTTTT!**" yelled Chowder.

The man spun around, now getting annoyed.

"Now what?"

"Aren't you gonna try one?"

He looked down at the Burple Nurples, then back at Chowder, who was flashing his best puppy dog eye look. He glanced down again at the Burple Nurples, then back at Chowder, then the Nurples, then Chowder, Nurples, Chowder, Nurples, Chowder, Nurples, Chowder...

"**ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,** I'll try one!"

He picked one up out of the tray and tossed it in his mouth. He gulped it down in one go.

"Say, these aren't half-bad, ki-"

Suddenly, the man started to gag. He reached for his own throat with his hands, as if trying to force the reflex to occur faster. Eventually, though, he fell to the ground and fell unconscious. Chowder came out from behind the table, gasping in shock, as he went to check on the man.

"**TRUFFLES!**"

Truffles woke up from her slumber and flew over. She was not happy about her nap being interrupted, but she quickly assessed the situation and figured out what was going on. She kicked the man in the side, and he responded by letting out a weak cough.

"He'll live."

With that, Truffles went back to her lawn chair to get back to her nap, while Chowder went back to resume selling his...

"Burple Nurples!"

Even though the semi-unconscious man continued to lay there, only a few feet away.

* * *

In the SCarGo, Mung Daal and Shnitzel had seen the whole thing, thanks to a live feed of the scene via tablet.

"You left the cabinet with the poison in it unlocked, didn't you?"

"Radda?" Shnitzel replied, defending himself. "Radda radda, radda radda radda radda!"

"What do you mean **I** was the one who left it out on the counter? Shame on you, Shnitzel for such blatant, misguided accusations!"

"Radda radda radda..."

The two continued to argue over who was at fault, even as the SCarGo continued along the turnpike.

_[Yeah, someone call my agent and tell her to hire someone else to cater the Mid-Atlantic Narrators Convention next month? Thanks!]_

* * *

Fade in back to the actual race, or, rather, a radar showing the locations of the main field of racers.

_[And the field is starting to make their way through the first few tunnels of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, as the roads pass under mountains on its westward.]_

Cars kept disappearing and reappearing on the radar, making it very hard to figure out how many of the twelve racers were in the lead pack.

_[Through the Blue Mountain Tunnel, the Kittatinny Mountain Tunnel, and the Tuscarora Mountain Tunnel the racers go!]_

* * *

Back to live action, at the exit of the Tuscarora Mountain Tunnel, cars began emerging from within. Altogether, eight cars came out within 30 seconds of each other.

_[The Candy Corn Carriage continues to lead the way, even without Princess Bubblegum awake and piloting it herself...]_

Another shot of Bubblegum still snoozing in the backseat of her vehicle was shown.

_[...but its two-plus mile lead has evaporated since we last saw it. Mordecai and Rigby are cruising right behind in second place, followed by the Zodiac Triplets, who have raced their way up to third!]_

But for how long? Guess who was sneaking up to challenge them for the position?

_[Well, well, look who's still in the race! The dastardly duo of the Ice King and Gunter the penguin are coming up strong!]_

The Double Zero moved into the left lane and lurched forward to pass the Number 13.

_[And there's the pass! Ice King moves up past the Zodiac Triplets to take third!]_

And then...

_[Now he's up on the back bumper of the Number 2...]_

Mordecai turned into the left lane to block, but Ice King quickly countered right and got alongside before the blue jay could get back over. They watched as the blue-skinned monarch passed them by.

_[...and into second goes the Double Zero!]_

Only one vehicle remained to pass... the Candy Corn Carriage! Again, Ice King threw caution to the wind and went for the pass, going fully offensive. Inside the Number 5 machine, Princess Bubblegum was still out, unaware of the threat coming around to her left. The auto-pilot continued on, keeping the car in its lane. The cameras focused once more on the automated defense system light.

But it did not come on.

Meanwhile, Ice King pulled the Absolute Chill alongside the Candy Corn Carriage.

"Check out these sweet moves, princess!" he shouted.

But he was surprised when he saw that the princess was not behind the wheel.

"That's odd. Who's driving that thing?"

He thought about it for a few seconds, then shrugged his shoulders.

"Whatevs. I've got a lead to take."

And with that...

_[The Ice King gets by the Candy Corn Carriage, and now he's in the lead!]_

"And now, to make sure we stay in the lead all the way to Pittsburgh! Mwa ha ha ha ha!"

Ice King sped ahead, to get a big enough lead to set up his next trap...

* * *

A few miles down the road, Ice King was seen moving a barrier onto the roadway where the current turnpike was placed. He and Gunter then proceeded to pain new westbound lanes, heading through some grassy land before coming across a steep incline. They took this opportunity to pain a tunnel leading into the mountain instead of over it.

_[Wait a minute, Ice King! Didn't you try something like this already?]_

"Yes, but this time it **WILL** work! Right, Gunter?"

Gunter nodded his head in approval. "Wenk wenk!"

Done with their work, they ran back to their car, positioned on the other side of the barrier they had moved into the road. As expected, the Candy Corn Carriage was the first car to barrel towards the newly planted detour.

"Wait," Ice King thought aloud, "wasn't there no one driving that thing?"

Ice King pulled out a pair of binoculars and peered into the cabin of the Number 5. Sure enough, there was no one piloting it.

"Oh no... **QUICK, GUNTER! HELP ME MOVE THE CAR!**"

The two got behind the Absolute Chill and started to push it out from behind the barrier, which the Candy Corn Carriage was sure to smash into.

* * *

Inside the Number 5, a new display light came on. When lit, this light told the user that the vehicle's collision avoidance feature had been activated.

* * *

Outside the car, the roof opened up and a pink balloon hastily inflated. The car, in its entirety, was lifted off of the ground. Ice King and Gunter were still trying to push the Double Zero out completely from behind the barrier, unaware that the Number 5 was about to float right above their heads.

That was until they found themselves in the shadow of said vehicle, which spurred them to look upwards.

"How in the post-apocalyptic world..."

Once safely clear of the road obstruction, a giant tack rose out of the roof to pop the balloon. The Candy Corn Carriage fell back to the ground. The impact with the road was finally enough to wake up Princess Bubblegum. In fact, she was thrown out of her seat, as she went face-first into the back of the driver's seat.

"Ow!" she cried as she slowly pushed herself up off of the carriage's floor. "What the cabbage?"

She crawled up into the driver's seat, minus her crown, which was now lodged in her dashboard... right where all of the display lights were.

"Oh, prunes! Now I'll never figure out what was up with that malfunction!"

At least the engine was still running, which she noticed as she buckled in and took over manual control of her car. Back with the Ice King, who was still stupefied as to what just happened.

"Man, she's craftier than I thought."

But he no longer had time to figure out how Bubblegum had guided her car over the barrier even though she was not behind the wheel, as the other cars started to arrive. All of them turned onto Ice King's 'fake' detour, going so fast that they had not noticed the Ice King, Gunter, or their car. The evil monarch turned his attention, waiting for the other racers to crash upon reaching the entrance to the 'tunnel.'

But, to his amazement, every single car went into the tunnel as if it were real. Ice King's jaw nearly dropped to the ground as all of the racers went in one side and out the other.

"You mean that paint actually **MAKES** real tunnels, instead just making them look like the real deal?"

Ice King and Gunter hopped back into the Absolute Chill, and the former started the engine once more.

"I can't let them get ahead any further!"

With that, Ice King, too, attempted to go into the new tunnel. Unfortunately...

**CRASH!**

The front of the car was once more smashed as it collided with the rock wall. Ice King was lying on what was left of the hood, having flown out of his seat after forgetting to put on his seatbelt.

"Ohhhhhh..." he groaned, clutching his right arm in pain.

Gunter, meanwhile, revealed that he had put on a helmet right before the collision, and thus, was ready to walk away without scratch. But not before...

Yep, you guessed it...

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

* * *

Back to the radar screen, as the leaders emerge from the fourth and final tunnel on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, the Allegheny Mountain Tunnel. Dots continued to appear, one after another, until eleven were on screen at once, meaning that almost all of the racers were separated by a distance of five miles or less.

_[Business is picking up as the Wacky Racers pass through Somerset County...]_

Once more to the front, where the Candy Corn Carriage continued to lead. But this time, Princess Bubblegum was awake and behind the wheel.

_[After everything the lovely Princess Bubblegum's machine has been through today, she's been lucky to have been leading the way most of this race so far...]_

Of course, the narrator ended up jinxing her, as Bubblegum heard her car's engine start to sputter.

"Oh my!"

Her eyes glanced over at the fuel gauge. The needle was pointed at the red E, for empty.

"No, please, don't quit on me now!"

But no amount of cute pleading could spur the engine to soldier on. The engine eventually died, with no more fuel left in it to provide power, and the Candy Corn Carriage coasted until it eventually came to a stop. Bubblegum had managed to pull it over to the shoulder. But with no spare gasoline on her and her being several miles away from the nearest service plaza, it looked like she was stranded.

It did not take long for her to spot a group of about four race vehicles to appear, speeding her way. She got out of her car, got behind head, and waved her arms about, trying to flag at least one of them down.

"Hello! Princess in need of assistance, please!"

Mordecai and Rigby, leading the four-pack, were the first to spot her.

"Look," Mordecai said, pointing ahead. "Bubblegum's in trouble. We should stop and see what's up."

He was about to turn the steering wheel to the right to pull over, but Rigby reached over and grabbed the wheel, stopping him.

"Dude, what are you doing?"

"Don't you see, man?" questioned Rigby. "We've been eating her bubble butt dust all day! Why do you wanna help her?"

"Because it's the right thing to do!"

"Screw that!"

"Rigby. I'm stopping."

Again, Mordecai made an attempt to turn to the right to pull over. And, once more, Rigby stopped him.

"Dude!"

"**NO STOPS!**"

Rigby also jumped out of seat and pushed his left foot down onto his friend's right foot, which was on the accelerator pedal, in order to get them to speed up. Mordecai tried to get free, but quickly realized that Rigby was not going to budge and there was no way now to get stopped in time.

He turned to look at Princess Bubblegum, with an apologetic look on his face. She, in turn, was staring back at him, first with hopeful eyes, then hurt ones, and finally angry ones.

The Number 2 machine raced by the Candy Corn Carriage, as did the 13, the 8, and the 3. As the four vehicles continued on and disappeared over the horizon, Princess Bubblegum huffed, upset none of them would help her.

"Figures. Chivalry's dead in this world."

She leaned back against her car, trying to keep calm as she waited patiently for the next group of racers to come by. A minute later, though, she saw a strange sight in the eastbound lanes of the turnpike.

It was the Muskrat 5000.

It had slowed down and was now traversing the grassy median to come back over to the westbound lanes. It then pulled to a stop about 50 feet behind the Candy Corn Carriage. An apologetic Mordecai and an angry Rigby hopped out.

"We're sorry, Princess Bubblegum!" exclaimed Mordecai, speaking first before she could lash out at them for passing her by the first time around. "We didn't want to pass you by..."

"You didn't!" argued Rigby. "I did!"

Mordecai punched Rigby in the shoulder.

"**OW!**"

"Rigby!"

"What?"

"Apologize to the princess!"

"Why? I won't mean it!"

Mordecai groaned. "Just... just do it."

Rigby screamed in disgust, but he knew there was no way they were getting back on the road until he did so.

"Fine. I'm sorry, Princess Bubblegum!"

Hearing his apology, even if less than half-hearted, the princess' angry frown flipped upside down and became a delightful smile.

"Apology accepted."

Mordecai did a fist pump. "Alright! The princess forgave us! Rigby, go get the gas can."

"But, Mordecai! We need that gas ourselves!"

"We have enough to get to the next gas station a few miles up ahead. She doesn't."

Rigby rolled his eyes. "Fine."

* * *

A few minutes later, both the Muskrat 5000 and the Candy Corn Carriage arrived, under their own power, at the North Somerset Service Plaza, where they could fill their tank for the last 55 miles or so of the race.

"Thanks once again for helping me, boys," Princess Bubblegum told them at the gas station.

"No probs," Rigby said. "You just owe us a solid."

Bubblegum seemed confused. "A solid?"

"No, she doesn't," Mordecai spoke up. "This one's on the house, princess!"

"Oh, come on, Mordecai!" griped Rigby. "If she's gonna cost us winning this race, she should owe us something!"

"It's fine, Rigby! We'll get 'em next time!"

"**ARRRGH!**" screamed Rigby.

Rigby was still quite upset as he marched back to the golf cart, hopped in, and just sat there, glaring angrily at Mordecai and Bubblegum.

"What crawled onto his tail and died?" questioned the princess.

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, we should get going."

Mordecai was about to hop back into the cart, but Bubblegum stopped him by grabbing him by the arm.

"Your friend's right. I should give you something."

She leaned in, attempting to give him a peck on the cheek. But Mordecai saw it coming and was immediately was spooked.

"**AAH!**"

He broke free of the princess' grip, jumped back in the cart, and pulled away from the station. As the Number 2 machine headed back to the turnpike, Bubblegum was not pleased at having her kiss being refused.

"Really, Glob? Do all boys get the wrong idea about kisses from girls?"

She then yelled after Mordecai.

"**IT WAS JUST A THANK YOU KISS, FOR GLOB'S SAKE!**"

* * *

_[Things are getting wild as the Racers encounter one final obstacle on their way to the finish... exiting the Pennsylvania Turnpike and paying the toll for its use.]_

"Hurry up!" March shouted at his sisters, as they tried to pool together what little money they had on them to pay the fare.

"I know I have a couple more dreadful bills somewhere in this mess of purse," stated April, emptying the contents of it onto her lap.

Suddenly, May snapped her fingers.

"Wait a minute!"

She reached behind her brother's right ear and pulled out, out of nowhere, a 50 dollar bill!

"**TA DA!**"

She was expecting applause. Instead, she got nothing but glares from her two siblings.

"What? I thought that was a great magic trick!"

March snatched the bill out of his youngest sister's hand and handed it to the toll booth attendant.

"Keep the change."

With that, the Number 13 machine finally continued on, to join in the final sprint to the finish.

* * *

_[The finish line awaits the Wacky Racers today in the Pittsburghian north suburb of Wilkinsburg! A spirit crowd awaits at the closed-off section of freeway where today's winner will be crowned!]_

Up the freeway, four vehicles were shown in the lead pack, and they would be racing for the win.

_[And look at these Wacky Racers, giving it their all to get to the finish line first! There's Number 8, the Appalachian Aircar, using hover power to propel themselves forward! And Number 13, the Triskaidekaphobiawagon, using the power of the zodiac rabbit to speed along. And don't forget Number 3, the MAD Mobile, using... the taunting power of Sonic the Hedgehog?]_

Sonic was seen running behind the Number 3 machine, pushing it on the highway, while simultaneously looking over at the other racers... and taunting them.

"C'mon, step it up! You're too slow! C'mon, step it up!"

April, annoyed by the hedgehog, popped her head out the passenger side window and threw one of her sneakers at Sonic, who cocked his head to dodge it.

"I'll have my shoe step **YOU** if you don't **SHUT UP!**"

_[But, wait! The fourth racer is... the Ice King? But... how? Haven't you wrecked, like, three cars today?]_

"Shush, you!" growled Ice King. "I'm trying to win a race here!"

_[And, at the line, the winner is...]_

The four racers were side-by-side, with one car using the shoulder on the three-lane freeway, as they crossed the line. But, thankfully, they were separated just enough to determine placings... including the victor.

_[...Number Double Zero, the Ice King?]_

The four cars came to a stop. The Ice King hopped out of his vehicle and started celebrating, as the crowd went silent, stunned by the result.

"That's right, you dumb blokes! I, the Ice King, am victorious! **MWA HA HA HA HA!**"

_[Wait a minute, folks! I'm getting handed something from the sanctioning body! This just in... the Ice King has been **DISQUALIFIED**!]_

The crowd cheered. Ice King, on the other hand, was enraged.

"What? **WHAT? WHY?**"

_[The rules state that each team is only allowed the use of one race car per event!]_

"So?"

The camera turned to the finish line, where three flatbed tow trucks arrived, each with the mangled remains of three other Absolute Chill cars. A regular tow truck was behind them, towing a hauler with the Ice King's race team logos on it. Opening the back revealed that two more vehicles were sitting at the ready inside.

With this amount of insurmountable evidence, the crowd began booing the Ice King.

"**BOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOO!**"

_[That means the winner of today's race is... Number 13, the Triskaidekaphobiawagon! Number 8, the Appalachian Aircar, will officially be credited with finishing second. And Number 3, the MAD Mobile, will take third!]_

The triplets were shocked that they had pulled out the victory.

"I can't believe it," said March, dropping to his knees and breaking out tears. "This couldn't have happened to any worse people!"

The race official was going to hand the winner's trophy to March, the eldest of the triplets, but seeing his condition, decided to handed it to the second-eldest, April.

"I'll accept this trophy, but not gladly."

"Oh, **EEEEEE!**" squealed May. "Daddy will be so proud of us!"

March and April once more turned and glared at their youngest sibling, upset over her elated reaction. Seeing this, she coughed and then took on a more dour reaction.

"I mean, yeah, he won't be so proud. Whatever, y'know, and junk."

_[And with that, the sun sets on another wild Wacky Race, one in which everyone is happy to react to it however they please._

_Even... the Ice King.]_

The Ice King was seen throwing a temper tantrum, pounding the ground repeatedly with his fists and crying like a baby.

"It's not fair! It's not fair! I won the race! I won, **I WON!**"

Gunter shrugged his shoulders, taking the disqualification in stride. And making fun of yet another failed attempt to win a Wacky Race.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

**** End Episode Four ****


	9. Superspeedy Malfunction, Part 1

**The New Wacky Races  
Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

Do you feel the need? The need for speed? This week's race is fast-paced, as it may be the shortest in terms of time! No need to fool around today, get to the front and protect that lead, whatever it takes!

Let's go!

**Disclaimer: **All original characters belong to me; all others are the property of their respective owners.

* * *

Fade in to the sight of a state sign welcoming readers to the state of Alabama.

[Today on 'The New Wacky Races,' the field will be racing through the Heart of Dixie! The Yellowhammer State! The Cotton State! The 22nd state admitted into the Union, Alabama!

The Wacky Racers will be traveling in a generally easterly direction, as they make their way from the Mississippi state border...]

* * *

[...to one of the fastest race tracks in the world, Talladega Superspeedway!]

A crowd of more than 25,000 has congregated in the stands around the start/finish line, awaiting the arrival of the racers.

[Today's race finishes here, after running about a lap and a half, or roughly the final four miles of the route, around the track!]

* * *

[The Wacky Racers have topped off their tanks and are out on the course!]

A rundown of the field began, starting with the frontrunners...

[Davey Edison Jr., in the Number 9, looks like he's in his element, as he has the Formula Firebird up front early!]

"Racers by heart always find their way to the front!" he stated aloud.

[Daffy Duck, in the Number 1, is holding down second.]

"Out of the way!" he shouted. "Crazy duck comin' through! And I **WILL** run you over!"

[Charming. Sitting back and relaxing in third place is Alfred E. Neuman, in the Number 3. And look! He's throwing out campaign buttons to advertise him running for President!]

The MAD mascot tossed a wicker basket full of campaign buttons out the driver's side window. Upon hitting the road, the buttons went flying everywhere, with a number of them landing pin-side up. This left behind a dangerous, unavoidable hazard, especially for whichever racer happened to be in fourth place.

And that was the Number 6 machine.

[Look out, your royal highness!]

The half-boat, half-automobile ran over the pins, and many of the vehicle's wheels began popping left and right. Eventually, it managed to pull over to the side of the road safely. But the occupants were not happy, particularly the driver, King George!

"You swine!" he shouted, shaking his fist at the MAD Mobile. "I'm not voting for you as next President of the United States!"

"My liege," cut in one of the Georges, "you're not a citizen of this country, so you can't vote."

"Which is why I'm not voting for him! Get your cranium out of your posterior, you swine!"

Another George walked up, holding a plate of bacon.

"George! Did you cook our swine? You swine! That was our mascot!"

This George was flabbergasted. "We... we had a mascot?"

King George picked up a strip of bacon and took a bite out of it. He smiled.

"My word, this is scrumptious! Isn't that right, you swine?"

"Sir!" the third George exclaimed. "You done with the 'you swine' jokes? 'Cause it's getting kinda old."

"**I AM YOUR KING! YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHEN THINGS GET OLD!**"

King George then calmed, realizing George number three had a point.

"Alas, you are right. Narrator, I order you to transition to the next scene!"

[You're not the boss of me! But my actual boss **IS** telling me to move on, so...]

**-  
The New Wacky Races  
Episode 5: Superspeedy Malfunction (10.01.12)  
-**

[Today's race will require the field to pass through two of the state's biggest cities: Tuscaloosa and Birmingham. You can already tell how close we are to the former, because already many of the Wacky Race fans on both shoulders are sporting crimson red!]

A quick glance around proved that the narrator was right. Nine out of every ten people along this part of route were wearing the colors of the University of Alabama, whose main campus is in Tuscaloosa.

[And look, even the school's mascot has come out to cheer the racers!]

Sure enough, the university's elephant mascot was dancing around on the shoulder, just a little ways down the road from where the leaders currently were. But there was something odd about it, as it shimmied back and forth and slowly made its way onto the road.

[Hold on there, symbol of school spirit! It's dangerous to get in the road!]

"That's the point, genius!" the mascot said, sarcastically.

[Wait a cotton pickin' minute! I'd recognize that cold, chilly voice anywhere!]

Just in case anyone did not get the hint, the mascot took off his head in order to reveal the man beneath the costume.

[Ice King!]

"Yes, baby, it's me! And it's time I school the racers, by teaching them what a chain reaction is! Eeee-heh-heh-heh-heh!"

He put his elephant head back on and continued progressing onto the road.

[Oh no! Half of the field could be taken out easily at this early juncture, with all the racers still bunched together! Someone should warn them! **LOOK OUT, WACKY RACERS!**]

The front of the field came into view, starting with the 9, the 1, and the 3. Davey was the first to spot the dancing elephant, and immediately reacted.

"Who let that pachyderm onto the race route?" he asked aloud.

He honked his horn three times to warn the elephant, but the mascot just kept on dancing.

"Evasive maneuvers!"

Gripping the steering wheel with two hands while keep his foot on the accelerator, Davey somehow steered around the unexpected obstacle, doing so without breaking a sweat. Much to the Ice King's chagrin.

"Whew!" Davey blew a sigh of relief as he looked back over his shoulder. "That was a close one!"

"He wasn't supposed to keep going!" grumbled Ice King the elephant. "He was supposed to stop!"

"**ONE SIDE, COMING THROUGH!**"

Out of instinct, Ice King dived to his right, just in time to avoid Daffy Duck, who also despite seeing the hazard, did not slow down either.

"**LEARN HOW TO WALK, YA JERK!**" Daffy yelled back.

Ice King picked himself up and dusted the asphalt pebbles off of his costume. He got back into position and heard brakes squealing. The Number 3 had slammed hard on the brake panel, and the van squirreled about left and right. Finally, it came to a stop just a few feet in front of the Ice King, who was jumping and clapping his feet in mid-air. Things got chaotic immediately thereafter, though, as the Number 4 had to slam on the brakes to avoid getting into the back of the MAD Mobile. Behind him, Kevin Levin, in the 11, had to do the same to dodge the 4. The same with the 13 to the 11, the 94 to the 13, the 2 to the 94, and the 8 to the 2. But...

[Oh no! The 8 can't get stopped in time! It hits the 2, which bangs into the 94, which bumps the 13, which taps the 11's tailpipe, which slams into the 4, which finally smashes into the rear of the 3! What a mess we have!]

"Heh heh heh heh!" Ice King the elephant mascot laughed maniacally. "Excellent! They've all wrecked!"

All the drivers involved were seen climbing out of their race cars. They started getting into verbal arguments over who was responsible for 'The Big One,' with all of them ignoring the true cause... the dancing elephant.

"**MAKE WAY!**" someone shouted.

All eyes shot up the road, as the Number 5 raced towards the accident scene.

[Princess Bubblegum, trouble ahead! Slow down!]

A look inside the Candy Corn Carriage showed that she was repeatedly slamming her foot down on the brake pedal. But her vehicle was not slowing down at all.

"I don't have any brakes!"

She then stuck her head out the window and yelled at the others while waving her free arm as well to doubly get their attention.

"**I CAN'T STOP! MY BRAKES ARE OUT!**"

All of the racers quickly abandoned their vehicles and sprinted for the shoulder. All except for Ice King, who was too busy getting his groove on to see the oncoming danger.

"**MOVE IT IF YOU WANNA KEEP IT!**" screamed Bubblegum, warning the mascot.

That finally got Ice King's attention, but by that time it was too late.

* * *

An hour ago, just after pre-race inspection but before the drivers were to push their cars to the starting line, Gunter was seen snickering...

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk..."

...before sliding under Princess Bubblegum's racer. Underneath the car, a cameraman was with the penguin as he took out a pair of clippers and cut the 5's brake fluid line.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!" he chuckled again.

* * *

Back to the present, just a second before the Number 5 was about to hit the Ice King in the elephant mascot costume.

"Gunter, you stupid penguin."

He was hit head on by the Number 5. But instead of being flattened, he was sent first onto the hood of Bubblegum's car, then the roof, and finally, flying off into the distance...

* * *

Gunter, who had decided to stay out of this scheme, was wading around in a nearby lake, searching for an early fish lunch. Suddenly, he had screaming.

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH****...**"

He looked up and saw the Ice King, still in costume, falling from the sky and towards him.

"Wenk?"

Gunter raised his arms into the sky, hoping to catch his master even though it was not probable given the Ice King's weight and speed of descent. But it was the thought that counts, right?

Unfortunately, Ice King landed in the water, ten feet to the right of where Gunter was standing. The resulting splash washed over Gunter, carrying him out of the water and washing him up on the nearest shore.

"Wenk **WENK** wenk," he grumbled, now completely soaked and without an early meal.

* * *

Princess Bubblegum, still traveling at top speed, was feeling a little bit guilty about hitting someone with her carriage.

"Hmmm... I hope that poor elephant man is alright. Still, I warned him I had no brakes!"

She shook her head before adding.

"What kind of dip dances in the road?"

* * *

Back at the mega-accident scene, the racers began to peel each other's cars away from each other, and each team had to hastily figure out if their vehicle could still run and continue on in the Wacky Race.

"It's trashed, man!" growled Rigby, kicking the only wheel still attached to the Number 2 machine. "Unbelievable! We can't win now!"

"Forget winning," reminded Mordecai. "Benson's gonna have our head when he learns of this."

Meanwhile, Andy Olaf was trying to dislodge the Number 11 from his car's backside, as it had slammed right into the vehicle's giant squirrel tail. He had his axe out and was chopping the delicate area between the tail's new opening and the hood of Kevin's car. Of course, that did not sit well with the latter.

"Oh, come on! I just buffed out the dents from the last race this morning!"

"Sorry!" Andy apologized. "Let's try Plan B."

Andy whistled, signaling for Fawna the deer to try and get the two separated. She turned around and prepared to kick them apart with her powerful hind legs. Kevin quickly got wise to the plan, though, and objected once more.

"That's a worse idea! Are you crazy?"

Upon hearing Kevin's statement, Fawna stopped rearing up and instead growled at the teenager.

"Don't say the C-word around Fawna," Andy warned. "She's in... a deer phase."

But it was too late, as Fawna had already been enraged. She charged at Kevin, going for a headbutt to the stomach. Kevin started running, not wanting to be on the receiving end of that.

"Call her off, man, call her off!"

"Sorry, but it's best to let nature take its course! Besides, I still have to ride with her for the next 100 miles!"

While Fawna chased Kevin all around the accident scene, March, April, May (aka the Zodiac triplets), were examining the front and rear damage to their Number 13. They had already managed to separate it from the 11 and the 94. Now came the task of fixing it all.

"Power of the rat, embed our vehicle with the power to self-diagnose itself."

A magical white aura surrounded the car, and suddenly, a dozen small crystals materialized around it. A number of them then dived underneath to take a look at the numerous parts of the undercarriage, three went to inspect the damage under the hood, and the rest scanned the interior, the rear, and the sides. After about a minute, they all reported their results, in the form of chipmunk chatter. A language that, luckily, May could understand and speak.

"Chip chip chip, chip chip?" she asked the crystals. "Chip chip!"

"Chip, chip!" they responded.

"Chippity chippity chip chip, chipper chip chip chippity chippity chip!"

As she continued to converse with them, her two older siblings looked oddly at each other.

"We're **SURE **she's not adopted?" questioned March.

Before April could finish, May wrapped up her chat with the crystals. She told her siblings what they needed to do.

"We need to summon some monkeys, a goat, and rooster!"

"A rooster?" April asked, curious about that selection.

Suddenly, one of the crystals returned to May's side and whispered into her ear.

"Oops," she said afterward. "Pig, not rooster! Got my elements messed up!"

The two siblings glanced at each other once more, then nodded in agreement.

"Oh, yeah, pig definitely makes sense."

"Whatever, definitely."

* * *

[While the racers at the back try to save some of their pride, the leaders are now within the city limits of Tuscaloosa. Once they reach the interstate, they will be tough for the backrunners to catch.]

The crowds in Tuscaloosa are four- and five- deep as they cheer on the leaders.

[The lead pack consists of the three cars: Number 9 - the Formula Firebird, Number 1 - the Daffy Float, and... the Double Zero? How did they catch up so fast?]

Ice King snickered. "Shortcuts are an ice wizard's best friend!"

At the head of the group, Davey was approaching a gaggle of his fans holding up all sorts of banners, blow-up dolls of his likeness, and small-scale models of his car.

"Wowzers! So many fans!"

He parked on the side of the road, then got out and started signing anything his fans wanted.

"Oh, thank you, thank you!" he said as he began going through the line. "You all are too kind!"

[Is this really the time to be hanging out with fans?]

"Nonsense! As a true race fan, Narrator, you should know that fans love it when their favorite driver stops to give them an autograph!"

So, despite the fact that he was in the middle of a race, Davey interacted up close and personal with his fans. Meanwhile, the Number 1 and the Double Zero drove by.

"Of all the..." Daffy said observing the scene. "How does that cookie cutter of a racer have so many groupies? I want groupies!"

He turned his car around and drove back to where Davey was parked, allowing the Ice King to take over the lead, uncontested.

[Well, Ice King, you're now in first place! And you didn't even have to do anything dastardly to get it.]

"I know!" he smirked. "Even I'm pleasantly surprised at what idiots some of these people are."

Daffy turned around a second time and parked the Number 1 right behind the Number 9. He hopped out and then tried to convert some of Davey's fans to be fans of his.

"Why you cheerin' on that shmuck?" Daffy asked a group of co-eds. "I drive Number 1! That means I'm the best! He drives Number 9! That means he's ninth best... at best!"

But they did not seem interested in his pleas, as the young women all turned back towards Davey, trying to get their attention. Daffy moved on to a heavy-set family and attempted to win them over.

"Sure, the guy comes from a prestidigitatious racing family," Daffy said to them, "but he's not a celebrity, like I am!"

The parents looked at each other curiously, then back at Daffy.

"Who are you?" they asked in tandem.

Seeing that the adults were a lost cause, Daffy turned to youngest of their three children, a two-year old male toddler rubbing his cheek against a model car of the Formula Firebird.

"Gimme that."

Daffy snatched it away from the baby and handed him a block of wood with the number one painted in orange on one side of it.

"Hang on to that, kid. One day, that'll be worth 20, no, wait, 50 times its value!"

The child, however, was not buying it. He started crying. Loudly. The father reached over and wrapped his right hand around Daffy's scrawny neck. Seeing himself in a heap of trouble, the duck took back the block and returned the model car, before scurrying away from the family.

Daffy found himself next to a group of motorcyclists, all of whom had the number 9 tattooed on their chests. He foolishly decided to try and turn them.

With a lie.

"Davey Edison's a cheater."

Upon hearing that, the entire gang glared at Daffy.

"He's an idol here in the South! Any idiot spewing that blasphemy is asking for a beatdown!"

They began to surround Daffy, ready to beat the living daylights out of him. But before they could, Davey stepped in.

"Hold on, now. I do not condone violence to any of my fellow racers. The only place that issues get settled is on the race course!"

The bikers all nodded, then lead the crowd in a round of applause, praising Davey for his non-confrontational beliefs. Naturally, the next few words out of Daffy's beak would throw him back into the frying pan.

"I don't need no help from you, you no-talent, spoon-fed, disgrace to the Wacky Race name!"

In response, Davey changed his stance.

"I was never here; I had nothing to do with what's going to happen next."

With that, he got back in his car, restarted the engine, and sped off. Once Davey was out of sight, the bikers again surrounded Daffy. And the crowd supported them.

"Roll! Roll! Roll him! Roll him!"

As they got closer and closer to Daffy, he only had a one-word response to sum his predicament.

"Mother!"

The bikers then jumped on him, and the pummeling began...

* * *

Elsewhere in Tuscaloosa, Princess Bubblegum, as well as King George and the Georges, were at the same car repair shop. The princess was getting her brake fluid line replaced, having gotten there by being towed by the Redcoat Special, which needed real tires to replace the nine spares they had to use in their one-car incident. They also had to replace the nine spares, almost all of which they borrowed from other racers.

Suddenly, the man working the counter received a completed invoice from one of the repair workers.

"Bonnibel Bubblegum?"

"That's me!" the princess said, putting down the fashion magazine she had been reading.

She went to the counter as the worker inputted the repair chargers into the register.

"Okay, with parts, labor, and tax, the total comes to $99.99."

"Four nines? How mathematical!"

She opened out her purse to pull out the royal Candy Kingdom credit card, but as she was, King George came up to the counter.

"As a gentleman and a fellow Wacky Racer, I decree that you put her bill on my tab!"

Bubblegum gasped. "King George, really? You don't..."

"Oh, but I insist! What better way to prove that our nations harbor no ill will towards each other than to scratch each other's backs?"

"I suppose."

She reluctantly accepted the offer by shaking King George's hand. She put away her purse, then waved goodbye to the king's subjects as she saw one of the repairmen pull up the Candy Corn Carriage to the front door.

"Thank you!" she complimented the worker, before hopping in.

Once Bubblegum had pulled away from the shop, another repairman walked in with the invoice for the Number 6.

"So how many Euros do you require for both jobs?" queried King George.

"Euros? Da heck are those? This is America!"

"It's currency, you Yankee! Take it or leave it!"

King George slammed 350 Euros on that counter, despite not knowing how much was actually due.

"The only leaving that's going on here is you! Without your boat-car-ship-freak of nature thingy!"

[Uh oh! Will King George and the Georges find a way to pay off their repairs and get back? And what about Daffy duck? Will he survive the beating of three lifetimes? And how many cars will actually be able to speed around the high bankings of Talladega Superspeedway? Stay tuned for Part 2 of this week's exciting race!]


	10. Superspeedy Malfunction, Part 2

Zoom in to the lead racers proceeding towards the city of Birmingham, via concurrent Interstates 20 and 59. The lead pack, so to speak, is a group of five, spread out by a total distance of three miles.

[Welcome back to the Wacky Races, folks, and since we last saw you, the order of the leaders has changed around!]

The cameras began by focusing on the new leader... who was once the old leader of today's race.

[Davey Edison Jr., in the Formula Firebird, has shown off his superb speed as he's rocketed back to the lead!]

But just a quarter-mile behind...

[And in second place is a pair we haven't talked about all day. Surviving the early multi-car pile-up with minimal damage, it's Number 8, piloted by Slim and Slom, the Pickings brothers!]

"Keep pouring eet on, brother," barked Slim, who was driving. "We need to catch ze Edison!"

A full mile back of the leader is the third-place machine, another survivor of the earlier wreck, the MAD Mobile.

[Presidential Candidate Alfred E. Neuman is back in third! And the MAD Mobile looks as good as new! But how?]

The narrator got his answer, as Handy Manny stuck his head out the passenger-side window, along with all of the tools in his toolbox.

[Oh, look! It's this week celebrity MAD guest stars, the cast of 'Handy Manny!']

"You know our motto!" Manny proclaimed. "If you break it, we fix it!"

The tools cheered, jumped up and down in excitement. Suddenly, a brief gust of wind blew the flat-head screwdriver, the pliers, and the monkey wrench out of the van, tossing them onto the side of the room. Manny and the other tools looked back to see if they were okay. Once Manny saw the three fallen tools get up, he waved goodbye.

"Oh well. We can buy new ones later. Right, amigos?"

Pat, the hammer, responded. "Yep. And they call me the dumb one! I'm the only one that's been around since the first day! Ha!"

Meanwhile, the three abandoned tools were soon passed by the fourth- and fifth-place racers on the road.

[Number 6, the Redcoat Special, is yet another car I'm surprised is still running, much less this high up. King George, how did you get off the hook at the repair shop?]

"With tact, yon fool. We offered everyone in the shop these!"

With his free hand, King George held up a 'British Royal Guard Swimsuit Model Calendar.'

"For some reason, those Yanks were into that snuff!"

Near the back of the ship, the three Georges were browsing through the calendars themselves. Suddenly, a cry of revulsion came out from two of them.

"Blimey, George, why?" one of them asked.

"You didn't cover everything, you dolt!" the second exclaimed.

The third, who was on the September page, posing in nothing but a Speedo, blushed with embarrassment.

"The economy hits everyone hard! I did what I had to to feed me family, you dunderheads!"

[Meanwhile, looks who's lurking in the shadow of the Number 6! It's Ice King, in... half of the Double Zero?]

Sure enough, Ice King was driving on the interstate, in a car half the size of that which he started with yet still had four wheels on it. Also, noticeably, Gunter was nowhere to be seen.

"Never knew I could split this baby into two, did you?"

[Ice King, you rapscallion! Where's the other half?]

* * *

The answer? It was with Gunter, who was lying back and letting that half auto-pilot itself. Suddenly, it pulled off to the side, stopping next to a traffic information sign. The penguin got out, waddled a few feet away so he could look up and get a clear look of the message being displayed. It currently read, '_Accident Exit 124. Three right lanes blocked. Thru traffic detour use I-459_.'

In fact, the exit for Interstate 459 was less than a mile away from that sign. But this was where the Ice King's latest plan would come to fruition. Gunter was holding a giant cellular phone, like those from the 1980s, and used it to make a call.

"Wenk wenk wenk, wenk wenk!" he told the person on the other end of the line.

In an instant, the information on the sign changed. It now read '_Accident I-459. Three right lanes blocked. Thru traffic detour use I-59_.'

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk," chuckled Gunter, evilly.

* * *

[Wait, Ice King! You're using outside help?]

"Fans in high places are **ALSO** an ice wizard's best friend!" exclaimed Ice King.

* * *

Back at the front, Gunter was hunkering down inside his half of the Double Zero. One by one, the racers sped by. They saw the sign and followed its botched advice, with the Formula Firebird, the Appalachian Aircar, the MAD Mobile, and the Redcoat Special each keeping straight and not taking the off-ramp to Interstate 459, which bypassed downtown Birmingham to the south.

Meanwhile, Ice King stopped to reconnect his half with Gunter's, and then they proceeded to take the 459.

[Well, it looks like the Ice King has bamboozled the leaders, sending them towards Alabama's famed Malfunction Junction and a mess of a traffic jam!]

Little did Ice King and Gunter know that immediately after they left, the information sign changed back to the correct information.

* * *

The four leaders started to see traffic pick up as they entered the city limits of Birmingham, then quickly slowed to a crawl at Exit 121, three miles short of I-59 & I-20's interchange with I-65, also known as the Malfunction Junction.

"This wasn't the information I was given," noted Davey aloud.

"Zis traffic needs to move eet," growled Slim and Slom, simultaneously.

"I order thee to part," commanded King George, "in the name of the King of England!"

* * *

While they were stuck with nowhere to go, the Absolute Chill was cruising along I-459, now comfortably back in the lead.

"Those fools all ought to be stuck, or getting close to being stuck, by now," Ice King commented. "Time for a break."

Ice King pulled off to the side of the road, and then turned off the engine.

[Wait, a break? Are you serious?]

"**YES! **I didn't get my ten hours last night! Right, Gunter?"

Gunter raised a flipper to agree. "Wenk!"

With that, Ice King lowered his seat backwards so he could take a quick nap.

[Wow. Never thought Ice King to be so confident as to want to nap.]

He and Gunter were quietly snoozing away when another one of the Wacky Racers passed by. It happened to be Number 4, the Trojan Flying Squirrel. The hole in its tail had been patched up with some off-color wood, as was a smaller hole in the stomach, near the cockpit windshield.

[Thanks to Ice King's siesta, he has no clue that Andy and Fawna have passed him to take over the lead!]

"I don't know what's wrong with their car," Andy thought aloud, "but I'm glad for their bad luck. Right, Fawna?"

Fawna tapped the floor with her front right hoof once, agreeing with him.

* * *

Back with the Malfunction Junction group...

[Meanwhile, it looks like these four haven't moved an inch!]

"Enough of dis tomfoolery!" declared Slim. "Slom, press ze button!"

"Pressing ze button," shouted Slom.

Slom pressed the button on the control panel labeled 'B.' Suddenly, bat wings sprouted from each of the doors of the Number 8 machine. The wings started flapping, and the Appalachian Aircar was lifted up into the sky, above the bumper-to-bumper traffic. The other three Wacky Racers stuck in the jam could do nothing but watch as the Pickings brothers flew away, flying above the highway. They reached the accident site, where local police were moving those involved to the shoulder to allow more traffic to pass.

"Good zing we had zese installed yesterday!" said Slim, in relief.

They searched for an opening in traffic after the incident, and landed back on the highway, where they could resume the race on four wheels. A few minutes later, the 9, the 3, and the 6 felt traffic loosening up a little bit, until they passed the accident itself, where everything was flowing freely afterwards.

"Pour on the power," King George ordered his shoulders. "There's still time to win this race!"

Davey and Alfred did the same in their individual race cars, speeding a little in order to make up for lost time.

* * *

Back with the napping Ice King...

[Wow. I... I guess he really doesn't want to win this week.]

Suddenly, another of the Wacky Racers came roaring by.

[Here comes Kevin Levin, throwing caution to the wind, apparently.]

He passed by while in the right lane, going so fast and hanging so close to the shoulder that the Absolute Chill shook as the 11 went by. The shaking got Ice King's attention, waking him from his slumber.

"Huh, what, where, who was that?" he asked as he sat up in his seat.

He rubbed his eyes and focused them just in time to see Kevin Levin's car speeding off into the distance.

"Blast!" he cursed. "How long were we out? The 11 just passed us!"

He leaned over to the passenger seat and attempted to wake Gunter, who had not been awakened by the close call. Finally, after a few attempts, the penguin opened his eyes.

"About time, Sleeping Beauty! Quick, pull out the map! We need to find a shortcut!"

Gunter nodded in compliance. He got the map from the glove compartment and started his search. Meanwhile, Ice King started the engine, and he pulled back onto the highway.

* * *

[Let's take a look at our radar to figure out where all of the racers are.]

The radar was showing five dots coming up from the center bottom of the screen, and five more dots coming from the center left. They all met in the middle, at which point all of the dots began moving towards the right.

[Whoa! Business has picked up as the racers turn towards the treacherous inclines of the Appalachian Mountains!]

* * *

A ten-car field was making their way eastward along Interstate 20, staying mostly single-file and only changing lanes to get past slow-moving trucks in the right lane.

"What's with all this traffic today?" grumbled an irate King George. "Don't these people know to get out of the way of a Wacky Race?"

[Number 4, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, started this climb as the leader. But that big wooden monstrosity is having trouble getting up this steep hill, and it's being passed by other racers on its left.]

Sure enough, cars were going by one at a time. It started with the 8, then the 5 and the 11 right afterwards. Inside the Number 4, Andy was pushing the gas pedal all the way down to the floor, while Fawna was gnawing at her seatbelt.

"Could you not do that, Fawna?" Andy asked nicely after noticing what she was up to.

But Fawna kept at it, until she finally chewed through it. She hopped out of her seat and ran out of the cockpit.

"Fawna! What did I say about moving in a moving vehicle?"

Fawna sprinted backwards, towards the tail. The vehicle's engine was located there, and by the sound of it, it was sputtering. Fawna got next to her, reared back, and kicked the engine's protective case with her hind legs. She repeated it again and again and again until, finally, on the sixth kick, the engine roared loudly, apparently tapping into some inner reserve which was hidden away. Back up front, Andy could feel the Trojan Flying Squirrel pick up some speed. Not enough to regain the positions it had lost, but enough to stay at a decent clip and prevent anyway else from going by.

[Number 4 is keeping pace with the leaders, using Mad Deer Power!]

Fawna returned to the cockpit and took her seat.

"Way to go, Fawna! I knew this baby needed a little kick to really get motorin'!"

[Back at the tail end of the pack, it looks like a certain villain is stuck between a rock and a hard place! Or, in this case, between a converted galleon and a parade float!]

Ice King was beeping his horn constantly as the Redcoat Special was so wide that it was taking up both lanes going up the hill. Behind the Double Zero, Daffy Duck was being even more impatient, yelling soft obscenities at the monarch, for some reason.

"Come on, grandpa, out of the way!"

Daffy started beeping his horn himself, in an even more frequent and annoying pattern.

"Don't you start with me, duck!" Ice King barked, looking back at Daffy.

Ice King thought that he had settled it right there and then. But then a brick flew in out of nowhere, nearly hitting Gunter in the back of the head.

"What the frig? **THEM'S FIGHTING WORDS!**"

Ice King turned around and started firing ice bolts at Daffy's pickup. He dodged the first few and then prepared his own retaliatory strike.

"You're trying to freeze me? **WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?**"

Daffy flung two more bricks at Ice King's car. One hit the left tail light, while the other hit the dashboard, just mere inches from Ice King's right hand.

"Oh, now it's on, beaky boy!"

Ice King let go of the steering wheel, forcing Gunter to hop over and try to keep the Absolute Chill straight while his master used his ice bolts to destroy the bricks being thrown at him by Daffy. Meanwhile, the Georges had heard the commotion and were looking over the stern of their ship.

"My king," the three shouted at their monarch in unison, "there's a lot of tomfoolery going on below!"

"This has gotten out of hand!" exclaimed King George. "Let's teach them not to ruin the spirit of the Wacky Race!"

The three Georges ran below deck and returned 30 seconds later with a cannon and two cannonballs. The Ice King and Daffy continued to go back and forth on the road below as the first ball was loaded.

"Fire when ready!" ordered King George.

The fuse was lit on the cannon, and the first ball was away. The cannon had been pointed at the Double Zero, but luckily, Gunter saw it in time and turned out of the way. It also missed the 1 car, which was traveling in the other lane.

"You're all against me!" shouted Daffy. "What did I ever do to deserve this hate?"

"I've got a list which I'll be glad to share," answered the Ice King, "**IF YOU LET ME FREEZE YOU!**"

He fired two bolts back, and Daffy dodged him. He stepped on the gas and passed by the Double Zero, moving into ninth place on the road. But Ice King was not about to give up right there and then. He prepared to shoot once more, while up aboard the Redcoat Special, the Georges were getting ready to fire their second and final cannonball. Both let their projectiles fly at the same time.

Daffy had his eye on the Ice King and dodged his attack, but did not see or hear the second cannonball, which landed square in his truck's front grill, destroying it and damaging the engine enough to kill it. Meanwhile, Ice King's bolts ended up hitting several of the real wheels on both sides of the Number 6 machine. With no rear traction, the former galleon started slowing down to the point where it stopped. It then proceeded to roll backwards down the hill, slamming right into the moving Double Zero and the stationary 1 car, both of which had nowhere to go.

What was left was, frankly, a mess.

[And that pretty much will end the day for these three race cars.]

The occupants of all three vehicles emerged from the wreckage. And none of them were happy.

"Drat, drat, drat!" cursed Ice King.

"It's your fault for driving like an old man, grandpa!" Daffy insulted him.

"At least he's not a maniac, like you," growled King George.

"What do you know? You drive on the wrong side of the road everywhere, for pete's sake!"

As the three drivers continued to bicker like children, Gunter and the three Georges just stood off to the side, shaking their heads in disbelief.

"What a day," one of the Georges remarked.

"I'll say," added the second.

"Anyone want tea?" queried the third, pulling out a tea seat, complete with an already boiling pot of gray tea.

Gunter, despite not really being a tea drinker, shrugged his shoulders and took up the trio on their offer.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk," Gunter snickered, before taking a sip from his cup.

* * *

The remaining contenders, now off of the highway, were seen passing by the sign indicating the entrance to Talladega Superspeedway. Once on the grounds, they followed a bunch of signs added just for this Wacky Race to lead them onto the track.

[Looks like the leaders have arrived at Talladega! Only four miles to go until someone claims today's Wacky Race trophy!]

Seven cars speed onto the track, single-file. They make their way onto the track at the entrance to Turn 3, staying below the yellow line throughout the curve, as they were not all up to speed.

[Once the cars come out of Turn 4, they can merge onto the track on their way to the tri-oval. When they get to the line, there will be one lap to go!

The racers try to hold their position! The Appalachian Aircar is still upfront. The Candy Corn Carriage sits in second. Then it's the Chick Magnet in third, then the MAD Mobile, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, the Formula Firebird, and even the Muskrat 5000 is still in contention in the final few miles!]

"Time to leave eet all on zee track!" exclaimed Slim.

His brother, Slom, nodded, for pushing the 'N' button on the control panel. That activated the nitrous boost in their car. But they were not the only ones making adjustments, as a lot of the other cars were also employing ways to get some extra speed out of their vehicles.

[The cars have merged onto the track, and are now going through the tri-oval! The crowd is on their feet as seven Wacky Racers approach! Out of the tri-oval they come and to the start-finish line; white flag is in the air!

Number 8 is already pulling away from the pack, while Kevin Levin jumps to the outside of Princess Bubblegum, trying to grab second! Into the 33-degree banking of Turn 1!]

"Give it all you got, baby," Kevin said, using his left hand to hold the steering wheel while his right caressed the dashboard.

[Davey Edison Jr. might have the fastest car, but can he get from sixth to first in one lap? He's got one spot, easily by the Number 4.]

"Go time!" Davey told himself, shifting into fourth gear.

[Down the backstretch they go, the Pickings brothers still leading, but Kevin Levin's running them down! Princess Bubblegum in third; the top three are now single-file! Back behind, the 9 and the 3 fight for fourth!]

Inside the Candy Corn Carriage, Princess Bubblegum kissed her hand, then pressed it down on a palm print screen sensor located next to the radio. The voice of Peppermint Butler filled the air.

"Love power, **GO!**"

The princess' carriage got a temporary horsepower boost, which she needed in order to get to the front in a hurry.

[The leaders into Turn 3, Bubblegum trying to go high! Pickings twins have their car hugging that yellow line as if their lives depended on it, with Levin right behind them... and the Number 9, now in fourth, trying to run them all down!

The 5 is moving, but she doesn't have any help... now the 11 moves up in front of her! 3 still ahead coming out of Turn 4, but the 11-5 tandem is moving up top! The 9's right behind; it will have a say in this!

The Pickings twins and Kevin Levin are side-by-side in the tri-oval. Edison trying to sneak in under Bubblegum, who's sticking to Levin's back bumper! Final few hundred feet, they come to the line, and the winner is...]

The four cars whiz by the finish line, with the 11 and the 8 neck-and-neck for the win, and the battle for third between the 5 and the 9 too close to call as well. The 3, the 2, and the 4 finish fifth through seventh not too long after.

[Whoa! We may have to go to the replay monitor to decide this one!]

* * *

A slow-motion replay was enacted, as the officials watch live with the viewers to see the finish, one one-thousandth of a second at a time. The frames play by...

[And the winner of the Wacky Race, by a nose... Number 11, the Chick Magnet! Number 8, the Appalachian Aircar, takes a close second.]

The replay continued until the last podium position could be determined.

[And again, by a nose, third place is awarded to Number 9, the Formula Firebird!]

* * *

Twenty minutes later, the top three were on the podium in the infield, celebrating the results to the loud cheers and roars from the large crowd.

[And there you have it, folks! On the fastest oval in the world, the margin of victory was three, count it, three one-thousandths of a second! Congratulations, Kevin Levin, you needed to race all 140 miles of today's course to get this one!]

Kevin flashed a smug smile after his victory. When asked about how difficult he thought this Wacky Race was going to win, he responded...

"Easy as pie."

* * *

[And with that, we come to the close of yet another Wacky Race, one filled with more crashes than we're used to, but still had drama all the way to the final few feet of racing! And while one racer indulges in the spoils of victory, several others are heading home today with broken race cars and tons of thinking to do if they want to win the next Wacky Race!]

Zoom in back to Interstate 20, where the Double Zero was the last of the vehicles in that three-car wreck on the uphill incline to be towed away from the scene.

"We were so close!" grumbled Ice King. "If only we hadn't taken that nap, we would've won! Darn it, darn it, **DARN IT!**"

He started kicking pebbles and dirt off of the side of the road in frustration. Gunter, meanwhile, was still finishing off the tea he had been offered by the Georges, and seemed at his peace as his master went ballistic after a near miss.

For once, a Wacky Race ended without Gunter snickering at their team's misfortune.

**** End Episode Five ****


	11. Red River Rivalry Race, Part 1

**The New Wacky Races  
Story Written by Freedom Fighter**

Okay, this is the sixth, and for now, the final episode being produced for this story. Do you want to see a second season? Well, now's the time to sound off! Get all your friends to read this, leave reviews, and hit me up on Twitter! The power's up to you, the readers! Sound off and let me know!

Anyway, the season is wrapped up with a very different kind of Wacky Race. Read on to see what I mean!

**Disclaimer: **All original characters belong to me; all others are the property of their respective owners.

Fade in to a shot of a map of the United States, centered to focus in on the southern states of Texas and Oklahoma.

[This week's Wacky Race promises to be full of fun and excitement! Our racers are in for a treat, as today, they're racing to the largest state fair in the country! We're talking about none other than...]

* * *

Switch to the live feed, coming from Fair Park in Dallas, Texas.

[...the State Fair of Texas! Home to Big Tex...]

A shot of the fair's 'mascot,' a 52-foot cowboy which occasionally came to 'life' to announce upcoming events.

"Today, the State Fair of Texas welcomes the Wacky Racers!" it bellowed.

[...the Texas Star...]

Move over to the fair's most popular ride, a 212-foot tall Ferris wheel.

[...and the Cotton Bowl!]

Pan over to a peddler selling bowls made out of cotton.

[No, not that kind of cotton bowl!]

"What?" growled the peddler, in disgust. "It's darn good quality cotton!"

* * *

[This kind of Cotton Bowl!]

Zoom in to the famed football stadium known as the Cotton Bowl, located on the Fair Park grounds.

[Opened in 1929, the Cotton Bowl has hosted numerous professional and collegiate football teams over the years. It also served as one of the venues for the World Cup in 1994. Today, it is best known as the host of the annual rivalry game between the University of Texas and the University of Oklahoma, known colloquially as the Red River Shootout!]

The narrator was interrupted by Big Tex, who appeared in the frame.

"Excuse me, pardner, but we no longer call it that. It's the Red River Rivalry, son! Red River Rivalry, get your facts straight!"

[Ahem, the Red River **RIVALRY**! The game is held here since the Cotton Bowl is almost exactly equidistant from the two universities in question, located in Austin and Norman, respectively.

In honor of this celebrated rivalry, this week we present a Wacky Races first! Two, count 'em, two starting lines!]

* * *

Action now focused on the racers, well, the first group, anyway. Six racing vehicles were traveling south on Interstate 35, departing from Norman, Oklahoma.

[Group one, which we will be referring to this week as the Sooners, will be driving to Dallas from Norman.

In this group, we have Number 94, the Mung Daal Catering team...]

"We were supposed to be there **YESTERDAY**!" screamed Truffles.

"We paid an arm and a leg to get our spot at the Texas Fair!" exclaimed Mung Daal, driving like a madman behind the wheel. "Yet we could earn three times our profit at the Fair by winning this one race! We can't fail!"

"Mmmmm," said Chowder, licking his lips as he thought about all the food that he would get to try at the Fair. "Can't wait to get my hands on some fried goat cheese!"

Mung, Truffles, and Shnitzel shot Chowder an odd look.

"You're a weird boy, you know that?" deadpanned Mung.

[In front of them, we also have in this group: Kevin Levin in the 11 car, King George and the Georges in the 6, Andy Olaf and Fawna the Deer in the 4, and Alfred E. Neuman in the 3.]

A look into the interior of the MAD Mobile, as Alfred tried to get the attention of the narrator. Apparently, he was not alone... he had two pretty teenage girls riding along with them.

[I didn't know presidential candidates had groupies...]

Upon closer inspection, though, it turned out that the groupies were not groupies, but celebrities!

[Oh wait! Is that Victoria Justice and Bridgit Mendler?]

"That's right, narrator guy!" Bridgit exclaimed. "We're this week's special celebrity guests!"

"We're also making appearances at the State Fair today!" added Victoria. "So hopefully our driver can get us there safe!"

They turned to their left and, apparently for the first time, saw Alfred's paper cutout-like head.

"We're obviously not being paid enough for this gig," mumbled Victoria.

"Should've taken Miranda Cosgrove's offer for a ride along," grumbled Bridgit.

* * *

Meanwhile, aboard Miranda Cosgrove's private jet, that teen starlet seemed concerned as she looked out the window from her seat and saw nothing below but the Pacific Ocean.

"I never knew Texas was on the other side of the ocean!"

[Disclaimer: This episode was written by someone who claims to be part of the staff for the 'MAD' cartoon, where making playful fun of celebrities is our thing. The portrayals of any celebrities shown in today's episode are in jest and are not representative of their actual personalities.

Except for Miranda Cosgrove. 'Cause when you make 200 grand per episode, who cares what other people think?]

"Tee hee, my face prints money!"

[Yes, Miranda. Yes, it does.]

**-  
The New Wacky Races  
Episode 6: Red River Rivalry Race (10.08.12)  
-**

We now switch over to the second group, traveling north on Interstate 35 from Austin, Texas.

[And now, a look at group two, which we'll be referring to today as the Longhorns, making their way to Dallas from Austin.

Mordecai and Rigby, driving the Number 2 machine, starts off our rundown of this group, as they start at the back of the pack.]

"You just had to draw six," grumbled Mordecai, in reference to their starting position.

"How is it my fault?" shot back Rigby. "That draw was rigged, and you know it!"

[Ahead of them are March, April, and May, better known as the Zodiac Triplets, in car 13. They're right behind Davey Edison Jr. in the Number 6, who happens to be trailing the diabolical duo of Ice King and Gunter in the Double Zero.]

Gunter had his face pressed up against the air vents, as he attempted to stay cool by having the air conditioner up full blast.

"You drama queen!" growled Ice King. "It's not even that toasty!"

He then smiled as he looked ahead to the Candy Corn Carriage, directly in front.

"Then again, maybe it is. Those are lovely fumes we're inhaling from that there beauty ahead!"

"**STOP BEING CREEPY!**"

Speed ahead to Princess Bubblegum, sticking her head out the window to glare back at the Ice King.

[The lovely Princess Bubblegum apparently didn't take too kindly to the Ice King's remarks. Though I must admit, she looks darn purdy in her outfit today.]

The princess had exchanged her normal attire for something more Texas-friendly, as she was sporting a short sleeve pink-and-white checkered flannel shirt, short shorts, and cowboy boots.

"**YEE HAW!** I reckon that them there Ice King is a dirty, rotten scoundrel that ain't fit to spit shine my dust-clad boots. Ride 'em, cowboy, 'cause this little princess ain't just whistlin' Dixie!"

* * *

To the set of 'Jessie,' where Debby Ryan was glaring at the camera.

"Okay, I do **NOT** talk like that! All the time. Except when it's sunny. And it's any day ending in -day... you get what I'm sayin'!"

[Alright, alright, enough with the cameos! If we let any more starlets appear in this episode, we won't have any money to show the rest of today's race!]

The actress who played the older sister of the title character of the show 'Out of Jimmy's Head' was seen trying to sneak onto the set. But upon hearing the narrator, she stopped and turned around, heading back to the exit with her head lowered in shame.

* * *

"Is she done?" Bubblegum asked, miffed after being interrupted.

[Yes.]

She smiled and then finished her speech.

"**YEE HAW!**"

[In addition to our ten full-timers, this week's part-timers add another layer to this special split-field rivalry race. On pole for the Longhorn group is Horatio Horne, driver of car number 10A, Hornzilla!]

Horatio Horne's car was actually a limousine that was painted burnt orange all around, and was accented by a steer's head attached to the front of the hood. He was about to open his mouth to thank the narrator for introducing him first, but suddenly, the screen split in half vertically in order to show the driver of the other part-timer, who was the pole sitter of the Sooner group.

"How come you're introducing him first?" he asked.

[Oh, and his rival, the driver of car number 10B, Boomerbastic, Samuel Schooner!]

"We've won the Golden Hat the last two years, ya stupid steer!" pointed out Samuel.

"Oh yeah?" fired back Horatio. "We lead the series, you wagon wheeler!"

A zoom out showed that Boomerbastic was a convertible that had been heavily modified so that it resembled a Conestoga wagon. Well, the canvas-covered part, anyway.

[Horatio and Samuel have a side bet riding on today's race. Whichever of them crosses today's finish line first will determined which alma mater the entire Wacky Races production crew is betting on to win this year's Red River Shootout!]

Both men turned to the camera to correct him.

"It's the Red River Rivalry, you idiot!"

The split screen went away, wiping Horatio off of the screen as focus started on the Sooner group.

[Number 10B continues to hold the early lead in the Sooner group. But Boomerbastic is about to get a challenge from Number 4, the Trojan Flying Squirrel.]

"No squirrel's that big!" shouted Samuel. "You must be from Texas!"

He pulled out a shotgun and waved it at his pursuers. In return, Andy held his axe out his window and waved it menacingly.

"Just try it, you varmint!"

Samuel accepted the challenge, firing one shot without even turning around to aim! It hit the axe in the center of the blade, with more than enough force to knock it out of Andy's hand and send it falling to the road behind him.

"That was my good luck axe!"

Andy slammed on the brakes. Once the 4 car was stopped, he hopped out and ran back to retrieve his axe. He started hugging it as if it was his own child.

"I'm sorry for letting that bad man hurt you, Charlie."

Meanwhile, the MAD Mobile sped by, as its occupants had witness the whole scene. Inside, Bridgit was videotaping her reaction with her handheld camera.

"So, apparently, they give axes people's names here. If you're ever in this part of the country, then... 'Good Luck Charlie.'"

She lowered her camcorder and was greeted at the sight of Victoria glaring at her.

"What? It's my thing!"

Meanwhile, Andy was seen running back with Charlie to his vehicle. As he did, the Redcoat Special roared past.

[Uh oh! I don't like the look on the king's face!]

"Open fire!" commanded King George.

Three cannonballs were launched from the starboard side of the ship-car hybrid, in quick succession. Each of them hit the same place, the squirrel tail, where the engine was located.

"Score one for jolly ol' England!" the King shouted.

Andy arrived too late to stop him, as Fawna had grabbed a bucket of water from somewhere else in the vehicle and was trying to put out the fire before it burned through the outer exterior and actually reached the engine. But it did not do much.

"Fawna, that ain't no way to put out a car fire!"

Luckily for them, Kevin Levin was willing to lend an assist. As he was about to pass by, he pressed a button on his dashboard that was labeled 'Hose Down.'

[Kevin Levin looks like he's giving a fellow competitor a complimentary car wash!]

A giant hose rose from the back of his hot rod. But instead of it being aimed at its host car, it turned to shoot water at the Number 4. A large stream of water shot out at once, engulfing the entirety of the Trojan Flying Squirrel, as well as Andy and Fawna. The fire was put out, but it left the car dripping wet.

And it left Andy and Fawna soaked as well.

"Thank you..." Andy shouted. "I... think."

Fawna spat out some of the water that had gotten into her mouth, unhappy that she had gotten more than her daily intake in that unexpected bath.

* * *

[Not one for wanting to settle for second, the racers in the Longhorn group are also starting to mix it up.

And who better than the Ice King, who has decided to celebrate taking over the lead in this sextet...]

Gunter was seen snickering at the sound of that word.

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

[Oh, hush you!]

"You said a dirty word!" pointed out Ice King. "You got to put a quarter in the swear jar!"

[I'm not putting a quar- say, what are you up to anyway, Ice King?]

The narrator shifted the focus to the 'Adventure Time' villain, in the midst of setting up a trap. He had also changed so that he was dressed up as a cowboy, while Gunter was dressed up as a cow.

"Just watch and see!"

He and Gunter walked into the road. At that moment, the Number 10A car was racing though. But when Horatio saw the cowboy and his cow in the road...

"What in tarnation?"

He slammed on the brakes, skidding to a stop inches away from the disguised Ice King and his penguin-posing-as-a-cow. Once he caught his breath after avoiding an accident, he started to scream.

"Hey, cowboy, you know this ain't no place for steer drives!"

"I know, I know, but I done darn lost my cattle herd!" Ice King explained. "Someone said they saw them come this-a-way."

"They all look like that one!"

Horatio pointed at Gunter, before going over to take a closer look.

"Never seen a cow this tiny."

Gunter began to sweat as Horatio got into his face and stared into his eyes.

"Wenk wenk?"

Fearing his noise was giving him away, Ice King kicked Gunter in the butt. Somehow, Horatio did not see it.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeenk," mooed Gunter.

"Hmmm... it sounds like a cow, so it must be a cow."

He stood up and turned to the Ice King.

"Still should probably get it checked, though. Might be sick. It's too small for its age."

"Yes, of course, but first, help me find the rest of the herd?"

"I guess."

Suddenly, the sound of the other racers in the group speeding towards them was heard in the distance.

"Maybe some of them snuck onto them there Wacky Racers? You go check, while I search up the highway!"

"Good idea."

Ice King and Gunter hopped into their car, chuckling under their breaths, while Horatio turned his attention to stopping and inspecting the other cars. The Double Zero pulled away and was out of sight by the time the first car, the Number 13, arrived.

"Hold it right there, strangers!"

The car came to a stop. Horatio poked his head in to get a look at the occupants, the Zodiac triplets.

"Seems a rancher is missing his cattle. You wouldn't happen to know anythin' 'bout that, would you?"

March and April frowned and then turned around to glare at their youngest sister, May, who was sitting in the back compartment with a baby cow.

"Hey!" May exclaimed. "I bought this calf fair and square."

"Why?" thought April out loud. "Cows aren't even part of the Zodiac!"

March had no verbal response. He just shook his head, embarrassed.

"Well," Horatio said, after getting a good look at the calf, "that doesn't look like that other cow that there rancher had. You can go."

He stepped aside and the Triskaidekaphobiawagon continued onward. The next vehicle along was the Candy Corn Carriage, and Horatio held up a hand to stop her. The princess complied, allowing him to approach her racer.

"What's a pretty little thang like you doin' here in these parts? Are you a cow?"

Bubblegum gasped, then slapped Horatio across the face.

"What the cabbage?" she asked. "In my kingdom, cows are a sign of a great harvest!"

"I meant no disrespect, miss. Just that a local man lost his cattle, and he was worried you Wacky Racers might have allowed one to hitch a ride."

"No. Not at all."

"My apologies."

With that, he stepped aside and allowed the princess to continue. Once she was a safe distance away, a family of cow-shaped piñatas emerged from underneath a blanket they were hiding from in the back seat.

"Gracias," the father piñata thanked the princess.

Bubblegum nodded in appreciation. The piñatas then went back to hiding, while Bubblegum leaned towards the camera to whisper something into it.

"I'm taking them to a party," she said, although obviously that was far from the case.

Back with Horatio, who had now stopped Mordecai and Rigby.

"Alright, you have them cows that belong to that rancher?"

"Does it **LOOK **like we have cows?" Rigby asked back.

"I'm asking the questions here, you!"

"Okay, okay! Don't have a cow, man!"

Mordecai punched Rigby in the shoulder.

"**OW!** What was **THAT **for?"

"I said we weren't doing that," replied Mordecai.

"We never get to do that!"

Mordecai rolled his eyes. He then pulled out a picture of the Ice King and showed it to the Texan.

"Did the rancher look like this?"

"No. I don't know who that is?"

"Hold on," Rigby said, reaching in and snatching the photo from his friend.

Rigby pulled out a pen and started drawing a cowboy outfit on the Ice King. He then showed the modified drawing to Horatio.

"How 'bout now?"

"**YES! THAT'S HIM!**"

"Dude," deadpanned Mordecai, "that's the Ice King. He's not a rancher. He's a crusty old guy in disguise who gets off on tricking people into slowing the rest of us racers down."

"I was bamboozled? **NOOOOOOOOOOO!**"

* * *

Back with the Ice King...

"Oh, that was great! Texas people will fall for anything!"

"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

Suddenly, the Ice King had to slow down as he came across a police checkpoint. He came to a stop and allowed the officer signaling him to come up.

"Sorry to trouble you, but we've had reports of cattle snatchers in the area and..."

He turned to Gunter, who was still in his cow costume, and gasped.

"What, him?" Ice King asked, noticing the officer's gaze. "That's not a real cow! That's Gunter! Show 'im, Gunter!"

Gunter complied, reaching for a little zipper that was on his back. But he could not reach it. Ice King leaned over and tried to help, but the zipper was stuck.

"I swear, officer! This really isn't a cow! It's just a Gunter!"

The officer waved at two others and motioned for them to come over. He then looked back at the Ice King.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of that there jalopy."

* * *

The jail cell door slammed shut, and Ice King grumbled something incoherent as he grabbed the bars and watched the officer walk away.

"Don't worry, folks! I'll just call my lawyer and my tailor, and I'll get this all straightened out. Just you wai-"

He stopped himself short, as a sudden realization came to him.

"Oh, fuddles. Gunter's my lawyer **AND** my tailor! Hey, narrator person! Go to commercial! Maybe after the act break, I'll have figured a way out of this!"

[Yeah, stay tuned for Part 2, folks. Or not... maybe we can let Ice King rot for a few hours.]

"**I HEARD THAT!**"


	12. Red River Rivalry Race, Part 2

[I'm Alfred E. Neuman, candidate for President of the U.S.A., and I approved this message.]

Victoria Justice and Bridgit Mendler were facing the camera mounted on the dashboard inside the passenger cabin of the MAD Mobile.

"Over the past few months," Victoria said, "you've been hearing many things about the candidates for president."

"Whether it's on TV, over the radio, or on the Internet," Bridgit explained, "the messages have been coming fast and furious."

"No matter what your opinion is on who's the best man to run our country..."

"...it is your right to state the opinion, no matter how wrong you may be."

"So make sure, if you're of voting age, which is doubtful because those people aren't in this story's demographic..."

"...that you register to vote. And on Election Day, you actually go vote."

Then, in unison...

"It's your right to vote. Whomever you vote for, we stand by you!"

The two girls then ripped off their shirts to reveal they were each wearing a white T-shirt underneath. Each of their shirts had their 'home' network's logo: Victoria Justice sporting Nickelodeon's; Bridgit Mendler with Disney Channel's.

The camera then panned over to Candidate Neuman, who ripped off his shirt to reveal that he had on a white T-shirt as well. With the Cartoon Network logo on it.

"Well, this just got awkward," said Bridgit, uncomfortably.

"Totally," added Victoria.

[Vote Alfred E. Neuman for President! Because you deserve a leader who willingly admits that, as our leader, he has absolutely no idea what he's doing!]

* * *

[We're back with this week's split-filled Wacky Race, and as you can see, both six-car fields are staying relatively neck-and-neck as they make their way to today's finish line in Dallas, Texas, just a few miles away from the Cotton Bowl!

The Sooners group is just crossing the state border into Texas...]

Near the front of that group is Samuel Schooner, who has turned his radio all the way up and was playing a song that sounded similar to the University of Oklahoma's fight song.

"**TEXAS SUCKS!**" he shouted out the window, at the top of his lungs.

[While the Longhorns group has just left the city limits of Waco.]

Near the front of that group was Horatio Horne, and his radio was playing a facsimile of the University of Texas' fight song.

"**ALL THE OTHER SCHOOLS IN TEXAS, EXCEPT U-T, SUCK!**" he screamed. "**AND O-U, DOUBLY!**"

* * *

Flip back to the map of Texas, which is now centered in the north-central part of the state, focused on the twin cities of Dallas and Fort Worth.

[It won't be long until both sets of racers reach the point on Interstate 35 where it splits into two different highways. One that goes through Dallas, and the other, which goes into Fort Worth.

Today's finish line is located one-and-a-half miles east of the intersection of Interstates 30 and 35E, just on the eastern outskirts of the city.]

* * *

Camera action turned to the Longhorn group, as the interstate split coming from south of the Texas Twin Cities is a little further away than the one coming from the north. The pack there was passing a sign that read 'Junction I-35W - Fort Worth / I-35E - Dallas - 1-1/2 miles.'

[The Ice King, back in the race after paying bail and getting Gunter back, is currently running fourth in this group. He's pulling up alongside the Formula Firebird, as Davey Edison Jr. tries to examine a map while driving.]

"I believe I should take 35E north," he said aloud.

"No!" Ice King shouted. "35W is faster!"

Hearing the Ice King's voice, Davey looked up from the map and tried to find him. But the Ice King sped ahead before he could catch him.

"Must've been hearing things. Alright, then... 35W it is!"

Ice King then pulled up to the back bumper of the Muskrat 5000 and attempted to confuse Mordecai and Rigby.

"The finish line is in Dallas, right?" questioned Rigby.

"Really? I thought it was closer to Fort Worth," replied Mordecai.

"You made me navigator, so trust me when I say it's Dallas!"

"You didn't even remember we had a map until I told you it was stuffed in the glove compartment!"

Ice King came up on the left side of the Number 2 to input his own two cents.

"It's closer to Fort Worth, dudes!"

He then, again, sped off before Mordecai or Rigby could spot him.

"See, Rigby? My conscious tells me go Fort Worth, and it's never wrong."

Ice King and Gunter were laughing over how well their plan was going. The only car ahead of them on the road belonged to Princess Bubblegum, and Ice King believed she could be fooled too.

"What do you want?" grumbled Bubblegum, being wise and spotting Ice King pulling up beside her.

"Just wanted to inform you, princess, that to get to the finish line, you need to get on Route 35E!"

The princess raised an eyebrow, suspicious of the Ice King's assistance.

"Oh, really? You wouldn't be just saying that to trick me, would you?"

"Why would I want to trick you?"

Bubblegum eyed the Ice King carefully. She saw him sweating, and immediately called him out.

"**I KNEW IT! **You liar!"

She stuck her tongue out at the Ice King, and then sped away.

[The Longhorn Wacky Racers are approaching the split...]

The Number 5 was the first to the split, and it went left, onto I-35W. The Ice King, in the Double Zero, stayed right and got onto I-35E.

[That's strange! Somebody went the wrong way!]

Seconds later, the 2, the 9, and the 13 also got into the left lane and followed Princess Bubblegum onto the highway heading to Fort Worth.

[Guys, hang on! You've been tricked!]

"What?" queried Princess Bubblegum, hearing the narrator cry out.

[The finish line is in Dallas! By going through Fort Worth, you're just adding 20 miles to your route! The Ice King tricked you!]

Upon hearing that, the princess' face went red with anger.

"**WHAT? ICE KINGGGGGG!**"

As she looked for an off-ramp to guide her and the others that followed her, over on northbound I-35E, Ice King was laughing out loud after fooling the other racers.

"Oh, those patsies will believe anything! Now, all I have to do is hope I beat those losers coming from the north to Dallas!"

"And me, you varmint!"

Ice King nearly did a double take. "Say wha?"

He turned to his right. Car 10A had pulled up alongside him. Horatio had not fallen for the trap like the others in the group.

"I live, breathe, and eat Texas, son! You may have fooled those city varmints, but you're gonna have to do better to best this Texas boy! **YEE HAW!**"

With that, Horatio Horne stepped on the gas and pulled into the group lead.

"**GUNTER! **Why didn't you tell me that one was from Texas?"

The penguin shrugged, giving him a 'that was obvious' look.

* * *

[Not everyone falls for the Ice King's trickery, but he's not the only one trying to bamboozle his rivals, as we switch to the Sooners group, which is coming up to the northern split.]

Along the approach on that side of the city, someone has been busy attaching new signs over the old ones. The signs here were now reading that I-35W led to Dallas and that I-35E went to Fort Worth.

Not too far from the actual junction, the three Georges were hard at work replacing the final few overhead signs. Their leader, King George, was supervising from atop the Redcoat Special, which was parked on the shoulder.

"Keep at it, men!" he bellowed. "The other Wacky Racers will be here shortly. We still have one more set of signs to change after this!"

[Looks like with the absence of the Ice King, another monarch has taken up the villain mantle in the Sooners group.]

King George spun around and found himself, to his surprise, staring right into the barrel of a shotgun being wielded by Samuel Schooner.

"I don't like Texas as much as the next non-Texas person, but us Oklahomans know that the left fork goes to Dallas! Stop messin' up those signs, you! Other racers aren't as smart as I am!"

At first, the king was shivering in fright. But then he stopped all of a sudden, becoming fearless in an instant. And with good reason. He snapped his fingers, and just like that, the three Georges were not only back on the ship, but they had each grabbed their muskets and had surrounded Samuel.

"That's cheating! Real Oklahomans don't cheat!"

"Do I look like I'm from your pitiful state, you ruffian?"

Before Samuel could answer that question, three race cars in their group sped by. That pack included the 11, the 94, and the 3.

"I guess I'm going right," Kevin said, not even suspecting that the signs had been doctored.

Shnitzel, though, spotted something out of the ordinary.

"Radda! Radda radda, radda radda radda!"

"What are you blabbering on about?" queried Mung Daal. "People can't just doctor signs like those! Most of the other racers aren't that bright! If the sign says South 35W goes to Dallas, then South 35W goes to Dallas!"

All three cars took the right fork onto 35W.

"Ye are too late," commented King George. "The damage, it has been done!"

Suddenly, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, still with a giant hole in its tail, drove up to and past the two parked cars. Andy was seen squinting his eyes as he tried to read the signs.

"Which way are we supposed to go?" Andy asked, turning to look at Fawna.

Fawna turned her head sideways, unable to voice a response.

"Oh, right," Andy suddenly remembered. "Deer can't read."

He went with his gut and kept left, getting onto I-35E. The correct route.

"That wood chopper saw through it?" questioned Samuel, surprised.

"Maybe ye southern Yanks aren't as half-witted as I was originally led to believe," admitted King George.

Samuel got off the ship and ran back to the 10B car to get back on the road, forgetting about correcting the king's misdeed. The British soldiers put away their muskets and then worked on getting the Number 4 machine started up once more.

"Hurry up!" barked King George. "We have a race to win!"

With that, both the 10B and the 4 were back on the road, bearing left and taking I-35E. Meanwhile... as for those who had gotten onto I-35W...

[Guys, hang on! You've been tricked!

Whoa! Talk about deja vu.]

"Huh?" asked Kevin Levin, hearing the narrator cry out.

[The finish line is in Dallas! By going through Fort Worth, you're just adding 20 miles to your route! King George and his men tricked you!]

"Shoulda known! That sign work reeks of upper-class 18th Century British!"

With that, he looked for the next exit so he could turn around, and upon getting off the interstate to make the maneuver, the 3 and the 94 followed suit, trusting that Kevin knew where he was going.

* * *

[Back with Group Longhorn, all six race teams are now back on the same page, or, route, and are beginning to go through the southern suburbs of Dallas. The six racers here are jockeying for position as they get closer to the finish.

Horatio Horne, in Hornzilla, has opened up a three-mile lead.]

"You know how they say everything's bigger in Texas? Well, everything's faster too!"

[Now in second place in this group is the Formula Firebird. Davey, why are you so far behind? The speed limit here is 65!]

Davey seemed shocked by that. "It is?"

He looked down at his speedometer and saw that he was only going 74. He changed that in a hurry, pressing down hard on the accelerator pedal and getting up to near 90 in a flash.

"So fast! I should consider buying a second home here!"

[The other racers are all lined up one after another, not too far behind the 9 car. Surprisingly, the Double Zero is at the back of this pack!

What's going on, Ice King? Just a few minutes ago, you diverted half of your group onto the wrong interstate! Now you've not only let them all catch back up, but you've let them go past, too?]

"There is a method to my madness! Just you watch!"

He nodded at Gunter, who proceeded to kick the car's glove compartment. Inside it was a CB radio, already hooked up and all set to go. He spoke into the radio, which was set to a local police channel.

"Breaker, breaker, one-nine. Got a report of street racing going on northbound on the 35E..."

* * *

On the other end of the radio, inside a police car parked further north on the highway, next to the 'Mile 400' marker, the two officers inside were hearing Ice King's message coming out loud and clear.

"...there may be as many as five vehicles traveling in excess of 100 miles per hour. Be advised, suspects may claim to be participating in a sanctioned Wacky Race, but we have no record of such a race approved to take place today."

The two officers looked at each other, wondering if the call was genuine. The senior of the two officers, Officer Tobbs, decided to pick up the radio and answer the call.

"This is Officer Tobbs of the DFWPD, badge number 17907. I've never heard your voice on the radio, stranger, and making false calls over police radio bands is against the law. Identify yourself!"

"I'm acting under the authorization of the Head Sheriff of Bell County, badge number 12345! He's had these blokes come through his parts an hour ago and was unable to chase them down!"

Officer Tobbs shook his head.

"Those Bell County hicks. Can't do anything right."

* * *

"Okay, understood. This is car 208, northbound on the 35E at mile marker 400, requesting back-up."

"Understood," came the voice of the dispatcher. "Back-up is en route."

Ice King put the CB radio back in place and started to laugh maniacally.

"That ought to slow them down!"

[Wait, Bell County? Weren't those the cops that put you in jail?]

"Yes. And they apologized for their wrongful imprisonment after realizing Gunter was a penguin in a cow suit! They let me go and offered me a favor, so they put in a good word for me with the DFWPD! I'll use the boys in blue to pave me path to victory!"

[You fiend!]

* * *

Up the road, Horatio Horne was going by mile marker 400. He saw the parked cop car and flew by it even though Officer Tobbs' partner was standing on the far side with a speed gun.

"One-zero-one!" he shouted, telling the speed of the 10A car.

"We got one!"

The siren went on and Car 208 gave chase.

"This is car 208," Tobbs said over the radio, "in pursuit of potential speed race traveling 100-plus."

* * *

Back down the road, just past the on-ramps from Exit 397, a bunch of squad cars were beginning to gather. Just in time, too, as the 9 car raced by. One car left to chase it down. Not too far behind, the other four cars were approaching.

"And now, for the genius part of my plan!" exclaimed Ice King.

He slowed down to exactly 65 miles per hour, allowing the other three cars to pull away. Suddenly, Rigby noticed the gaggle of squad cars on the side of the road.

"Look at all those cops! I wonder what poor schmuck would be stupid enough to piss them off."

They would find out quickly, as three police cars chased after the 2, the 5, and the 13 after they all zoomed past the group.

"**AAH!**" screamed Mordecai. "**WE'RE THE SCHMUCKS!**"

All three cars were forced to pull over to the side of the highway. As they tried to explain that they actually were sanctioned to be going at such speeds, the Double Zero passed them, cruising at the speed limit.

The Ice King would eventually catch up to and pass the pulled-over 9 and 10A as well, putting him back in front of the Longhorns group.

"This is great! I don't know how things could get any better!"

Suddenly, the dispatcher's voice rang out again over the CB radio, which Ice King had forgotten to turn off.

"Attention, all units! Reports of more street racing southbound on the 35E, around mile marker 450. All available units, please respond."

"Ooh!" the Ice King squealed in delight. "I didn't even plan on screwing over the other racers! **BONUS!**"

Gunter snickered with glee. "Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

"This race is ours, Gunter! **OURS!**"

Ice King put his foot back on the gas, hoping to speed away to the finish.

* * *

[The Ice King really has all the Wacky Racers in a pickle! They all now have been pulled over and may all be facing disqualification for failing to reach the finish!]

A look-in to all six racers in the Sooners group showed that, at different points of I-35E southbound, they were now parked as they dealt with the local authorities. Car 197 was the one fortunate enough to have pulled over the MAD Mobile. Officers Johnson and Johnson - no relation - were walking up to the car.

"License and registration, you speedin' varmint!" remarked the older Johnson, coming up on the driver's side.

He was ready to throw the book at Alfred E. Neuman. That was until he saw who one of the passengers in the van was.

"Land sakes! You... you're Victoria Justice!"

Victoria timidly waved hello to Officer Johnson.

"Hello!"

"My daughter loves your show!"

Suddenly, the other Officer Johnson peered into the van through the passenger's side. He had a similar reaction, only...

"I can't believe my boots! Bridgit Mendler!"

"Yeah," Bridgit nodded. "That's me."

"My daughter loves your show!"

The first Officer Johnson spoke up again. "What are you two doing here in our neck of the woods?"

"Well," Victoria began to explain, "we're on our way to the State Fair..."

"...and," cut in Bridgit, "we're running late, so if you could just kindly give Mr. Neuman his ticket so we can get going..."

"You two are making an appearance at the State Fair!" exclaimed the younger officer.

"What a coincidence!" shouted the older one. "We were on the way there! Why don't we give you lovely ladies a friendly Texas escort?"

"That's okay," Bridgit told them. "We don't wanna trouble you..."

"They're offering us an escort!" Victoria said, stopping her. "Let's take it."

He then turned to the older officer.

"We'd really appreciate it!"

"Very well, then! Hold onto your hats, girls! We'll be there in a flash!"

The two officers ran back to their car to lead the MAD Mobile to the Fair.

* * *

At the finish line, the fans were lined up a couple dozen-deep on the westbound side of the highway, which had been completely closed for the end of the race.

[The attendees of the Texas State Fair have made their way from the fairgrounds and to the finish line to welcome the Wacky Racers to Dallas!

But will they be cheering when the Ice King crosses the line first?]

* * *

"They better be!" threatened the Ice King, shaking his fist at the camera.

The Double Zero was approaching the junction for Interstate 30, with the different ramps for westbound and eastbound separated by a few smaller exits in-between for access to the streets below the freeway for downtown Dallas.

"Gunter! Which way am I going again? East or west?"

Gunter attempted to look at the map to point his master in the right direction. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew the map out of his hands and the car.

"Blast it, Gunter! Now I have to guess!"

The first exit was for westbound, and he moved to the deceleration lane.

[Um, Ice King?]

"Quiet, you!"

[But...]

"No buts! You think you can trick me into going the wrong way! Well, you are wrong, you invisible couch potato! Ice King's winning this Wacky Race, baby!"

Ice King proceeded to get onto westbound I-30, unaware he was going the wrong way.

[Well, he can't say I didn't try to do something nice for him.]

The CB radio sparked to life once more, as the dispatcher's voice rang out again.

"Attention, all units! Disregard the report about speeders on the 35E. They are sanctioned racers."

Ice King laughed. "Too little, too late! I'm already at the finish!"

He looked ahead of him, trying to spot the cheering crowd at the finish. But he strangely did not see anything.

"Hmmm... what the hey-hey? Where the Glob is everyone?"

* * *

Meanwhile, on eastbound Interstate 30, the crowd was cheering as one of the Wacky Racers was coming up to the finish line.

[The crowd is on their feet as two Wacky Racers sprint for the line! Oh, wait a minute... one of those is a police car, escorting the other! And, it just backed it off! This week's winner's got this going away!]

The crowd exploded with joy as the winner crossed the line.

[It's no contest! Number 3, the MAD Mobile, is this week's big winner!]

Inside the car, Victoria was grooving in her seat as she celebrated her driver's win.

"That's right, people! We are 'Victorious!'"

Bridgit crossed her arms over her chest as she glared at Victoria.

"Oh, come it off, Mendler! I get to name drop, just like you!"

A minute later, second- and third-place were neck-and-neck as they raced to the line!

[Big race here, as the Texas fan and the Oklahoma fan race for bragging rights! And the first of them to the line is...]

A cloud of smoke enveloped the finishing area, making it unclear if Car 10A or Car 10B crossed first.

[Oh my! We may have to go to infrared here to choose the winner between these two!]

The infrared vision is brought out to see through the smoke, and the image apparently showed that the Hornzilla and the Bombastic crossed the line at the exact same time.

[Double oh my! It's a tie between cars 10A and 10B!]

Unfortunately, neither Horatio Horne nor Samuel Schooner were happy with a tie.

"We keep racin' 'til we have a winner!" declared Samuel.

"I agree," barked Horatio. "Race you to El Paso?"

They nodded in agreement, hopped back in their cars, and then drove the wrong way down Interstate 30, heading westward to the far end of the state.

* * *

That night, all of the race teams, with the two rival cars an exception, relaxed at the Texas State Fair. Winning driver Alfred E. Neuman was seen taking pictures with the winner's trophy.

[Well, Presidential Candidate Neuman not only won today's Wacky Race, he may have earned a number of votes for the upcoming election as well!]

A woman came up, holding out her baby as if to signify she wanted to sign him. The MAD Mascot did one better. He grabbed the baby, put her into the top of the trophy, and then sprinted off.

"**EEK!** That candidate just stole my baby! He's got my vote!"

[Meanwhile, today's celebrity MAD passengers, Bridgit Mendler and Victoria Justice, are busy signing autographs for their many, many fans.]

The two teenage girls were enjoying themselves, but things got a little strange when Princess Bubblegum plunked down a tween magazine on the table in front of them.

"I'm a huge fan!" she admitted, blushing a little.

Bridgit and Victoria smiled, and then teamed up to sign the cover simultaneously.

* * *

Up in the Texas Star, Ice King and Gunter seemed to be taking everything in stride as their Ferris wheel car reached the very top.

"Can't believe that dumb cluck of a narrator was right! We lost because we went the wrong way!"

Gunter started giggling. "Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk!"

Ice King bopped Gunter on the head. The penguin grumbled as he rubbed the newly-formed bump on his scalp.

"Wenk wenk wenk."

"Oh well," Ice King sighed. "Those Wacky Racers can celebrate all they want! Because next time, the Ice King will be the one holding up the trophy! You just watch!"

[Okay, Ice King. We'll hold you to that promise! In the meantime, good night, folks, and see you on the next thrilling installment of the Wacky Races!]

**** End Episode Six **  
** End Season One ****


End file.
